It's sad to see your own parents or in-laws get old and loose to Alzheimer's and Dementia. The guilt always sets in for anyone who takes on the caring of these people. I had two of my in-laws to care for and because their daughter, who is a nurse, didn't care or put in the time for her parents, she left them in our care cause we lived with them. I was not asked at all to care for them, she just asumed that I will. I thought ok let's try it and it was hard for me even if my husband was there to help me. I took the brunt of their anger and outbursts and I am on dialysis myself. I told my sister-in-law something has to be done cause this is too much for me, caring for two. I guess she thought whatever my sister-in-law has the POA and the Trustee so she don't care. She just do what they say no matter what. I asked her to get them in a program or get someone to watch them and give me some time to recuperate or some days off from caring. She didn't care and said they don't want anyone or to go anywhere. When dad passed on in Jan, I told my sister-in-law your turn and that was it. Now mom lives with her and I don't care cause she didn't when I had them both...
Because it is grief and hardship you are looking at here no matter what. It is so sad in my opinion that we live long and longer, losing a bit of ourselves daily. Our mobility, our hearing, our sight, our balance, our wellness, our continence, and eventually our memories and all we are. It is worth grieving. And it is worth grieving that our children and their families sacrifice their own time, well-being, money, family time, worry for us. And that they sometimes become so unwell both mentally and/or physically that they even die before we do.
It isn't about guilt. It is about grief. It is so hard no matter who is doing the care.
I am so very sorry for al concerned.
So SIL holds POA, then she should be finding Mom care or as she is doing, caring for her Mom. I bet ur feeling guilty because you are not feeling guilty because SIL has MILs care. 😊 As a person who could be made to feel guilty, that is something I go thru every so often. But I am learning to push that thought to the back of my mind, I know was not perfect in my Moms care. I could feel guilty but I refuse to because I was the one who was there. Not my brothers, me. And you can be so manipulated when people know u feel guilty.
So move forward best you can, knowing that you did the best you could with your in-laws when they were under your roof, and start enjoying the one and only life you have.
God bless you.