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If you've kept up with my many musings, you know that my Father's ALF has been under a flu quarantine for the past week. They started allowing select ADULTS visit Wednesday, but they have to wear masks and gloves.
I informed Dad's ex wife about the flu quarantine last week when she wanted to visit, so she was aware. Today I received a text at 2:30 PM from her stating that she was "almost there" (meaning my Dad's ALF) with the grandchildren (8 and 4 years old). I texted her back letting her know that due to the flu quarantine, the facility wasn't allowing visitors under the age of 18 into the building. Of course, she pushed back stating that they had driven "all this way", and I politely asked her to turn around and come another day. She texted me back stating that she understood, and I assumed that the situation was handled.
I was standing at the nurses station talking to the head nurse when GUESS WHO WALKS IN?!?! With the kids!!! I stopped them and reminded her that it was not good for the kids to be at the ALF. Her response, "The lady downstairs said we could come up, and they're wearing masks!!"
I was flabbergasted. First, it was completely inconsiderate of her to text me at the last minute about her visit. Had I known her plans, I could have saved her a trip. Secondly, she blatantly ignored my request to NOT bring the kids. She told me she understood my request, but showed up anyway. I think she wasn't expecting me to be there when she arrived, which makes me even more upset!!!
Our relationship is beyond fractured, but I try to be nice to her since she and her husband are the only people that visit Dad. However, I feel like she just went too far with this one. At the time I didn't say anything. I didn't want to be disrespectful or make a scene, but I think I should say something.
How can I let her know how I feel without ruining the breaks that she and her husband provide?
Oh, Tinyblu, I hear you. I really do and its so hard when people don't listen, even when its for their own good.
I'm just starting to think some people are going to do whatever they want regardless of how you deliver the message.
I've found with my own siblings, I could tell them the sky is blue and they would still say I am wrong. I know its extremely frustrating but if you can, I would try and let it go. If you can, try to do something just for you today and put them out of your mind. They are not worth your thoughts. And like you said, they are the only ones that visit.
Its a lot easier said than done. I really struggled with this too. I constantly have to redirect myself and learn to let things go more.
I also find it problematic that after saying no one under 18, they told her the kids could come if they were wearing masks. On the bright side ( try to look at that!) the kids may have cheered him up at bit.
I actually learned that the staff member downstairs advised her NOT to bring the kids in, but Evil Ex Step Mom insisted on bringing them up with masks.
The whole thing actually caused Dad more anxiety because they made Dad put on a mask so he could visit with them in the common area (where no one has been allowed). Dad didn't like the material over his mouth and nose and got quite worked up. The staff ended up taking him back to his room.
It still angers me that even in my adulthood I have to deal with this. No wonder I'm codependent. Even at 40, I'm still not heard. If I would have gone against her wishes like that when I was younger, there would have been HE** to pay... and a dinner missed!!!
TinyBlu, it's not your fault. If anyone was at fault, it was the woman at the front desk who failed to put her foot down. She was the gatekeeper, literally. If the facility meant no, they would have kept the kids out. Let it go. If people die from this visit, so be it. It comes back to the facility enforcing boundaries, not you. So what if this person runs over everyone - the front desk let it happen. They can call for security or backup, and the woman did not.
Tinyblu- i haven't read any other post from you regarding your boundary problem. In this case only, the ex wife and the kids couldn't have come inside IF the staff followed the quarantine rule. The staff was the one that let them in. The ex could have talked until she was blue in the face and still didn't get in if the staff followed the rule. You should talk to the person in charge at the facility so that this would not happen again. Don't waste your time taking to the ex-wife. She obviously doesn't care.
Tiny, let it go. You advised her of the rules and the facility caved.
This only makes me think even more that you need a NH for your dad.
When NH says "no" they mean it. From all of your recent posts, dad needs a higher level of care right now. Start looking at VA homes. Get him on lists.
Yeah... I decided to let it go and not say anything at all (as I've always done. The Wicked Witch wins again because Tinyblu has no backbone).
...and it's weird. Dad is in an odd "care" state. He has dementia, but it's not a really severe case. He can still toilet and bathe himself and get around fairly well. It takes him a while to stand, but once he's up, he stands tall and walks soundly. The only reason he uses the scooter is because of his lungs. As I understand it, even the level of oxygen he's on is low compared to others, so I'm not sure if he needs a NH just yet. I don't think he's "sick enough" for that.
The only reason he's in ALF is because (sorry to be selfish), I just didn't have the time or patience to give Dad the care he needed. Besides, the VA nursing home (the only option I can afford) would be 1.5 hours away from where I live which is a bit too far for my comfort level. I struggle enough with the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) as is. I think that would drive us both bonkers.
...and it LOOKS like a nursing home... very institutional. When Dad and I originally toured places, be begged me not to put him in a place like THAT, and I couldn't live with myself if I placed him in an "institutional" setting or even some of the places that accepted Medicaid. They were AWFUL. There were literally people sitting around in wheelchairs in the hall, smelling of excrement, and babbling to themselves. It was heartbreaking. I would feel like I'm "putting him away"
I am in a jail of my own making due to codependency, and I feel like I am paying for the mistakes DAD made. It's tough...
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I'm so sorry, my friend. I know its tough. But keep at it and eventually I hope they will.
Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
If you've kept up with my many musings, you know that my Father's ALF has been under a flu quarantine for the past week. They started allowing select ADULTS visit Wednesday, but they have to wear masks and gloves.
I informed Dad's ex wife about the flu quarantine last week when she wanted to visit, so she was aware. Today I received a text at 2:30 PM from her stating that she was "almost there" (meaning my Dad's ALF) with the grandchildren (8 and 4 years old). I texted her back letting her know that due to the flu quarantine, the facility wasn't allowing visitors under the age of 18 into the building. Of course, she pushed back stating that they had driven "all this way", and I politely asked her to turn around and come another day. She texted me back stating that she understood, and I assumed that the situation was handled.
I was standing at the nurses station talking to the head nurse when GUESS WHO WALKS IN?!?! With the kids!!! I stopped them and reminded her that it was not good for the kids to be at the ALF. Her response, "The lady downstairs said we could come up, and they're wearing masks!!"
I was flabbergasted. First, it was completely inconsiderate of her to text me at the last minute about her visit. Had I known her plans, I could have saved her a trip. Secondly, she blatantly ignored my request to NOT bring the kids. She told me she understood my request, but showed up anyway. I think she wasn't expecting me to be there when she arrived, which makes me even more upset!!!
Our relationship is beyond fractured, but I try to be nice to her since she and her husband are the only people that visit Dad. However, I feel like she just went too far with this one. At the time I didn't say anything. I didn't want to be disrespectful or make a scene, but I think I should say something.
How can I let her know how I feel without ruining the breaks that she and her husband provide?
Or should I just let it go?
I'm just starting to think some people are going to do whatever they want regardless of how you deliver the message.
I've found with my own siblings, I could tell them the sky is blue and they would still say I am wrong. I know its extremely frustrating but if you can, I would try and let it go. If you can, try to do something just for you today and put them out of your mind. They are not worth your thoughts. And like you said, they are the only ones that visit.
Its a lot easier said than done. I really struggled with this too. I constantly have to redirect myself and learn to let things go more.
The whole thing actually caused Dad more anxiety because they made Dad put on a mask so he could visit with them in the common area (where no one has been allowed). Dad didn't like the material over his mouth and nose and got quite worked up. The staff ended up taking him back to his room.
It still angers me that even in my adulthood I have to deal with this. No wonder I'm codependent. Even at 40, I'm still not heard. If I would have gone against her wishes like that when I was younger, there would have been HE** to pay... and a dinner missed!!!
This only makes me think even more that you need a NH for your dad.
When NH says "no" they mean it. From all of your recent posts, dad needs a higher level of care right now. Start looking at VA homes. Get him on lists.
...and it's weird. Dad is in an odd "care" state. He has dementia, but it's not a really severe case. He can still toilet and bathe himself and get around fairly well. It takes him a while to stand, but once he's up, he stands tall and walks soundly. The only reason he uses the scooter is because of his lungs. As I understand it, even the level of oxygen he's on is low compared to others, so I'm not sure if he needs a NH just yet.
I don't think he's "sick enough" for that.
The only reason he's in ALF is because (sorry to be selfish), I just didn't have the time or patience to give Dad the care he needed. Besides, the VA nursing home (the only option I can afford) would be 1.5 hours away from where I live which is a bit too far for my comfort level. I struggle enough with the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) as is. I think that would drive us both bonkers.
...and it LOOKS like a nursing home... very institutional. When Dad and I originally toured places, be begged me not to put him in a place like THAT, and I couldn't live with myself if I placed him in an "institutional" setting or even some of the places that accepted Medicaid. They were AWFUL. There were literally people sitting around in wheelchairs in the hall, smelling of excrement, and babbling to themselves. It was heartbreaking. I would feel like I'm "putting him away"
I am in a jail of my own making due to codependency, and I feel like I am paying for the mistakes DAD made. It's tough...