I can't figure out when to have a caregiver come. The times I need them most are diaper-changing time in the morning, midday, and night, but I can't afford to have someone there for a full 12 hours, and Mom would be annoyed by that anyway.
I can do it myself at night because I don't have as much to do then, but in the morning, I need to feed our animals, make and take calls, and take Dad to mass.
If I have someone here in the morning, then they can't tend to Mom without throwing Dad off course, since his time to get ready for Church (every day) is 10:30-11:30 and he doesn't want to get dressed in front of a strange female.
So, that leaves 9-10:30 am and then midday times that someone could come. But I know they arent going to schedule someone to come for an hour and a half, then leave and come back from 2-5.
I just don't know how to organize this, and today was awful. The guy who came to build the wheelchair ramp showed up at 10 am, almost 2 hours late. At 11 am, he needed me to go with him to pay for materials, but the lawn guy had just arrived and I needed to pay him and talk to him about cutting back our shrubs, and Dad wanted to be taken to church at 11:40 and the home health nurse had called to say she was coming and needed me there. I had not changed Mom's diaper yet and she was wondering why I had not brought her herbal tea.
And, in another thread, the majority of people thought that caregiver should not have to do ANY cleaning other than any mess they make or their immediate "Care" area. If all they're doing is changing a diaper, and the rest of the time, they're sitting while I coordinate Dr appts, sweep, mop, do the dishes, get Dad dressed, make their meals, give Mom's meds, brush her teeth, and do the laundry, then why even have a caregiver?
If you wanted to talk to someone at the church, call the office. Usually the secretary can tell you what’s available. Tell them you want your mother to receive communion as a shut in and perhaps your father would start joining her in that.
It might make it easier for him and you on the day they brought communion to your home.
Standing outside the church (I only get to shower twice a week, so I'm not ever dressed to go in a church) and asking strangers to give him a ride isn't just awkward; it's not likely to be a productive use of my time, especially since I"m leaving Mom at home alone while I go to get him. I"m likely to only be able to talk to one person each day because older people don't talk fast and don't process info quickly.
This is 14 round trips every week. If I get one person for one day sometimes, and another for another day sometimes, but maybe they want to play it by ear ( because most of them don't go every day), then I'd end up spending a LOT more time coordinating his rides every week than I do just driving him there.
That will take up more time than just taking him myself.
I think I just have to wait until the day comes when he can't remember whether or not he went to mass....so I can just not take him but tell him that he went. :/
In addition, back home at my own church, whenever ANYONE requires help due to a hospitalization of spouse or a family of 8, having 6 children (one who is severely disabled), a "meal train" is automatically started. The recipient doesn't even have to ask as the church knows who is in need. One friend with the 6 children has been a recipient of the Meal Train FOR THREE YEARS!
I checked with my sister and she confirmed that the caregivers from the agency are not allowed to transport, it is too great a liability.
When it oftens happens that I get desperate for help, the actual process of calling out for help has been so stressful, and not productive. Time passes, and things get a little better, and I realize there is no help coming. I stop seeking help, rest up, do everything another day. It is amazing how much we have learned to do without, or I have learned that I cannot meet each and every need my loved one has to make his life enjoyable or more pleasant. Maybe tomorrow, I can do better, after resting.
As for the repeats, sometimes others suggest what has already been suggested because they either did not read everyone's post, missed the suggestion while skimming the answers, or the postings occurred so close together that they were not seen.
Two suggestions:
Rather than email the church office, perhaps chat with the priest himself? He might
have some ideas for you.
The other option is to check with the local Senior Center. Many times they have
elders who are willing to visit with shut-ins, run simple quick errands, etc. Perhaps
they might have some people willing to provide transport. As you noted, most likely
you will need multiple people as not everyone attends or is available every day.
If possible, try to ask face-to-face with either place. If not, at least phone call. Emails tend to get lost in the shuffle.
A few suggested having the care-giver drop him off on the way out, but you would have to check with the various companies about this. The one we hired would run to the store to pickup milk or a few items for mom, but would NOT transport her anywhere (liability.) Some may offer this service, others will not. You'll have to ask when vetting the companies.
Do you think that you could get a volunteer from a church or the town's elder case worker to assist for a few hours?
I'm definitely disapppointed since they've given a lot of $$ to that church over the last 20 years. But, I can't force them to help.
I have seen other people in their 70's and 80's coming out of noon mass, and thought about asking them, but the reality of that conversation seemed like an awkward and drawn-out process to approach parishioners one-by-one asking "hi. You don't know me, but you might know my Dad. Would you mind picking him up and giving him a ride home sometimes?"
There were just so many issues with that question. For one, since I don't know anyone there, I could see myself not knowing who I'd already asked. And just because they go to that church doesn't mean Dad is on their way, or that they want to be obligated to get him on certain days. And it can easily be even more time-consuming if I'm having to coordinate different drivers for different days every week, esp since people are likely to not want to be obligated to always being there on a specific day.
We do have one neighbor (Mike) just 3 doors down who goes to that mass sometimes, but Dad now acts as though Mike's life now revolves around Dad's needs. I've had to tell Dad I don't have Mike's phone number, so he won't call him to ask for a ride since he can't remember that I told him Mike WILL text me if he's going to mass. Otherwise, he's busy. But, Dad doesn't care how busy anyone is; the world revolves around him going to mass every day.
Two days ago, I took Dad to church and Mike texted that he'd been late to mass but had Dad with him and was stopping at the grocery store before bringing him home. Dad wanted to go in the store with Mike, and was oblivious to the fact that Mike was short on time. I've been shopping with Dad when I was in a hurry and it's nerve-wracking because he doesn't care what anyone else has scheduled.
So I know Dad was shuffling like a snail around the store, especially since this is a store he doesn't know, and wouldn't know where to find anything. When Mike brought him home, I could tell he was flustered at how much longer his shopping trip took because of Dad.
You are not insane.
Just the addition of the handyman and lawn care unsettled an already difficult schedule.
When I had to "be here", be available for two weeks on the handyman' s schedule, I could not get a moment's thought to myself, plus showers were a challenge with the house open.
Things might settle down soon. In the meantime, you can borrow my rules:
1) Never never on a Monday-doctor appointments.
2) Always in the afternoon, never before 11:00 a.m.-appointments
As for Mass, are there mid-day, early evenings? Can a caregiver drop him off on the way out? (If he is able without supervision?) Then you can pick him up, or the suggestions here to have a fellow parishioner take Dad.
As for the late handyman....he will have to re-schedule next time. Mom's diaper is a priority. That must have been stressful for you!
First question: When you say you cannot afford 12 hour care-giving, the question arises as to why YOU would be paying for this? Or is it just a wording issue, and it means that you would be paying from mom/dad's income/savings and THEY cannot afford it? It does not sound like you would need full-time care-givers anyway, so the focus should be on finding a way to get care-givers who can come at the times that you need them.
Our mom lived alone, and out of concern we hired from a place that had a one hour minimum. That was only 3 days/week initially, mainly to check on her and ensure she took her meds (we got a pill dispenser, so it would be easier to monitor - you don't want her to miss meds, but don't want her to take too many either!) At least one of those did try to help with minimal 'housekeeping', such as sweeping the floor and/or cleaning the bathroom while she was there. We did not ask for this, but it was nice to know they did it. I do not think the others who came did the same, but not being there I cannot say for sure they did not (we could not always get that one I knew tried to help!) The point here is that you *SHOULD* be able to find a company that provides 1 or 2 hour help - shop around and take notes. Since you live with your parents, you are also able to keep tabs on the help and perhaps engage them to do some light housekeeping. We had them up visits to 5 days/week with the plan to add more hours as needed, but unfortunately after a few weeks she refused to let them in. That meant finding alternative living arrangements, as it was clear she could not remain alone without some oversight. This is not easy for someone who refuses to move in with one of us or consider AL!
From your various postings, it sounds like if you can find a care-giver place with the one hour minimum or even two, you could get mom settled between 8-9 or even 830-930, before dad is up (you stated that 'Mom will wake up by 8 but Dad isn't up until 9 or 9:30.') Having help with mom early leaves time for you to do what you need to do before dad is needing help. I would also concur with others who suggested trying to find someone who can bring dad to mass for you, also freeing up time for you. There must be someone at the church he is friends with and perhaps would be willing to transport him for you (and keep an eye on him!) Since you say mom might be against long hours of care-givers, she could also balk at this 1-2 hour visit - you have to stay FIRM on this, and let her know they are helping YOU to help them! Don't let mom or dad set the rules!!
If you can get someone to bring dad to/from church, you might be able to swing the mid-day diaper change for mom just before he comes back and then provide lunch for them. That would eliminate the need for a mid-day caregiver (and save money.) Contact the church and see if there are any parishioners who volunteer to help others (one would hope church-goers have at least a few among them who are magnanimous!)
Since you say you can do the night change, it sounds like you mainly need help in that morning rush (if you can get transport for dad to mass.) Getting someone to change mom, maybe shower and feed her, etc., you could use that "free" time to take care of the animals, calls and any other crisis that might occur from time to time.
Another consideration is getting a male caregiver (if dad might be up when they are still there assisting you with mom.) However, the timing is everything - if you can get that care-giver person for mom in/out before dad is up or ready to bath/dress, then there would be no issue in getting him ready.
You say: "But I know they aren't going to schedule someone to come for an hour and a half, then leave and come back from 2-5." As mentioned above, that is not a hard fact. You have to check out any/all companies that provide care-giving and inquire first! If the morning help and getting someone to transport dad works out, you might not even need the mid-day help. If you do, those places who have shorter minimums could handle this. They have multiple people working for them and can certainly schedule someone for that afternoon visit.
Your 'awful' day was one that I sometimes encounter. Although mom is in MC, I do have to coordinate many other tasks in addition to my own, which are taking a backseat for now. The 'perfect storm' happens now and then. I can schedule a doctor visit for a month that is WIDE open and every so often a slew of things occur on that very day!! It just makes it all so much worse, but then it goes away until the next time. In your case, you should not have to worry about the ramp guy again - that was a one-time occurrence to gum up the works. If possible, know what needs to be done for the yard work (or any other work you need to schedule) ahead of time, and provide that information BEFORE he arrives (phone, email, text), then he should be able to arrive and do the work without using up your time except to pay for his services. If these people are really in business, you should also be able to pay by mail or in person at another time, if you are tied up. Any reasonable business person would accept payment within a given time (a week?)
Your final thought was about how others said caregivers sit around doing nothing after changing the diaper - this goes back to vetting the various caregiver places in your area. You can ask what their services provide and exclude those that don't provide anything other than personal care (in addition to weeding out those who have long minimum visits.)
Another thought - there are ways to get financial help and/or some care-giving services provided by Medicare and/or Medicaid. The Medicare help is limited, but since you do not need a lot of hours, it might be covered. The company we hired to test and then provide caregivers mentioned this, but because mom refused any "personal" help, such as bathing, we were OOL. Medicare DID cover the initial visit/testing, and some follow up visits by the nurse because of UTI, but we/she had to cover the caregivers who came to check on mom. She would not qualify for Medicaid, so that option was not explored. It is an income based program, so if your parents are very low income, they may qualify as well.
And yet, you know, that does suggest another way to look at it: here you are posting about it and with both parents intact :)
We need new t-shirts. "Caregiving - I survived!"
This daycare also has a bus, picks my mom up and they have activities for about 5 hours on weekdays. They can even shower your loved one while they are there.
It’s more affordable than home-care and I can run errands, clean and even take a nap!
It has been a lifesaver for me. Mom didn’t like it for a while at first but I kept up the routine making it a habit. I have no family help.
Not sure what might be available near you but daycare is a slice of heaven.
Bless you in finding a solution to your already too busy household.
You really have too much on your plate already. Something has to give.
So we don't crash and burn ourselves, we have to stop enabling our parents. Thus cutting back on things that you do. I know there will be guilt. Then and only then would one's parents consider downsizing or hiring a caregiver for half of the day to start. Wish I knew I could have set boundaries with my parents, as I did crash and burn twice and it ruined my health :(
The daily aide helps with hygiene including teeth, hair, nails, getting dressed, applying lotion etc.
She makes a hot breakfast and sets up snacks, water and lunch. Does laundry, floors, dusts, cleans appliances. Waters plants. Feeds and waters the dog. Cleans up after the dog. Records vitals. She is a busy bee.
She will not sit and visit which is a deal breaker for aunt but she will dance around when aunt sings and that makes it all ok. Her most important job is to make sure aunt eats breakfast and takes her meds. On the weekends she has two different churches that deliver communion and a different aide who is there two hours and likes to visit. She also does pills, vitals, meals and any laundry needing attention but doesn’t do as much cleaning. It takes awhile to find the right fit.
Prioritize what’s important and count anything else as a perk.
Every layer of care helps.
You might consider a housekeeper to come in for a couple of hours twice a week or once a month. Whatever works. You can check on volunteers to take your dad to church. Take advantage of delivery services. Consider a laundry service. Don’t try to do it all yourself.
My very elderly Dad had a day caregiver from 7 a.m. to 3pm. She would get Dad up and into the shower, get him dressed, help him down the stairs, go out and get the newspaper and get Dad settled in his recliner to read the paper or watch the morning news. Then she would make breakfast, and make sure he took his pills.
Mid-morning she would strip the bed, wash the sheets, and anything in the hamper. Another day she would vacuum. Another day she would dust. Dad's dishwasher wasn't working so she would need to hand wash the dishes.
She would take Dad outside for a short walk. Then it was noon, she would drive Dad to see my Mom who was in long-term-care and she would help feed Mom. Then back to the house to prepare Dad his lunch. She would also help Dad with minor yard work, like trimming the landscape or help plant flowers. Drive Dad for his haircuts, or to Burger King which he really enjoyed. And she was good about shooing away door to door salespeople :)
My Dad also wanted to go to Mass each morning. But this wanting to go to Mass didn't start until he was in his 90's. I understood how important this was but the logistics would have been difficult. I felt so guilty having to say no to my Dad on that request. On Sundays he and Mom [when Mom still lived at home] would watch Mass on TV. If Dad would have had cable, I probably could have found a weekday morning Mass somewhere in the world. My Mom didn't care to go to Mass anymore, as she never liked shaking hands during Mass :P
However, there are times in home care when the caregiver has nothing to do. When the client is sleeping or visiting with family or wants to be left alone for a while or is content where she is at for the time being. A caregiver shouldn't stand over her client waiting for the opportunity to be helpful. She stays close but not too close so she can helpful when the client is in need.
I used to work in home healthcare as a hospice provider and there was a lot of down time. I'd bring a book with me. Someone doesn't need to be cared for every single minute of every hour. Downtime is inevitable. I had a case where I worked the night shift and I got to sleep, in a bed in a guest room, while my client slept next door. The family paid to have someone nearby in case the client woke up in the middle of the night. And she would. I'd help her to the bedside commode and get her back into bed. The whole thing took less than 10 minutes. I'd go back to sleep, the client would go back to sleep, and at 8am the day hospice provider would arrive.
Figure out what your mom needs, when she needs it, and if you can accommodate yours and hers schedule so she can get the care she needs. Maybe you have to rearrange the routine a bit.