What to do with my mom? She refuses any other help but mine.

Fear. As Gena/Touch Matters pointed out.

Try replacing the word *refuses* with *fearful*. Like this;

"My mother *is FEARFUL of* any outside help, especially an outsider to help her at home. She tells me that only I should watch her".

You CAN change this. Go from her 'maid' to her 'care co-ordinator'. Arranging the help she needs. Either in home or a move into AL.

The first step starts with you.

YOUR step out of fear too. Fear of upsetting her. Fear of not obeying mother.

You need 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep and also you should only work for her in shifts.

Dont let her tell you what you need to do: she will suck you dry, spit you out and kill you from the stress of her demands.

Hi Alex,

You need to take care of yourself first. Consider a couple of counseling sessions for you.

Can Mom afford caregivers? I'd tell Mom you have work and kid commitments for the next several weeks and have an agency send someone 6 hours a day to start.

If Mom can afford caregivers, I'd start with 6 hours per day (even if she needs more which it sounds like she does.)

Don't go by for 2 weeks. Enjoy your kids and wife.

Boundaries. Sorry Mom, I need to be with my family. Sorry Mom, I am exhausted and not coming over til Saturday for an hour. Insist she hire outside help. She will run you into the ground if you let her.

She has tested your willingness to bend to her will, and you have shown her that you will do whatever she asks.
That is unfair to you. It is time for you to stand up to her and set boundaries.
Let her know you already have enough on your plate and can't properly take care of her needs in addition to your work and family obligations.
It sounds like she's lonely and wants attention, but doesn't want the work of creating her own social life.
Let her know you will continue to stop by and see her, but she will have to find some other way of getting her needs met besides relying on you.
That could be a "Visiting Angel", a trained caregiver to help take care of personal needs, or she can move into assisted living, where she would have the opportunity to socialize with others her age.
Once you establish your clear boundaries, Don't Give In! When she sees how easily she can manipulate you, you will be right back to where you are now.

Alex, you wrote that sometimes she's confused and sometimes she's OK. It sounds like she needs an assisted living facility because you cannot continue to live like this. You have a wife and children and they are your FIRST priority. I see so many old people be selfish with their children and expect you to care for them 24/7. I know it's hard, but you or you and someone else, will have to sit down and tell her that she needs to go into assisted living because she needs help that you cannot give her 24/7. She will fight you and give you the guilt trip. But you have to be strong for the sake of your mental health and your family. Start looking for an assisted living place and TELL HER that this is how it's going to be becasue you will no longer be there every day because you CANNOT. You have a family and they come first. Get ready becasue it will be very hard, but you have to do it. Once it's done, you'll be relieved.

Understand she is SCARED and likely confused.
* You do not indicate her age nor if she is diagnosed with dementia.
("I've tried many times to explain" - STOP EXPLAINING)

* You need to do what you need to do, i.e., get support (caregivers) if you are unable to do what she needs.

- In essence, you DO NOT follow her directions ('only you' help her). She feels safe / comfortable with you and doesn't want a stranger helping. This is a natural response from her although YOU need to take control of the situation - to address her needs as best you can (with the support of others, caregiver, friend, etc).

* Ultimately, if you do not have legal authority (in some situations), there is nothing (more) you can do, i.e., medications.

* Yes, she is conflicted so it seems 'natural' that she would tell you to go home (irritated in the moment) and then hours later (regret / feel insecure / unsafe ... so calls you, repeatedly).

- If I were in your shoes, I would have someone there (to hopefully stop the constant 'calling you'). If that doesn't work, I would SET BOUNDARIES by telling her that she can call you once a day. If she calls you after you leave her earlier in the day, tell her you will not answer the phone (as she told you to leave)
* She may not understand due to not having the cognitive ability to understand - she is confused and reacting out of fears.

You can 'try' to set these boundaries and if she continues to call repeatedly after you visit - and she tells you to leave - DO NOT answer the phone.

She will either get it or she won't.
However, you need to set boundaries for yourself. (And her).
You need your energy / focus on your immediately family / kids.

You only have so much energy. Setting boundaries with her, hiring others to supplement your visits will help. You first need to realize that it is OKAY for you to do this - that you DESERVE to set boundaries ... for her benefit, as well as yours. If your energy is depleted / gone, you cannot be there for You, Her, nor your kids. That 'energy' pie can only be divided in so many slices.

P.S. I set up others to support me: volunteers, care providers. If you need volunteers for 'socializing' - contact local churches, associations / networks you are involved with (i.e., gardening group - friends.

Ask friends to ask their friends "could you spend an hour every other week with my mom-to keep her company). It just takes a few folks to cover 2-3 days/a week. YOUR MOTHER will initially resist 'strangers visiting.' That is okay-listen to her with compassion --- and they still visit. She will adjust and perhaps learn to appreciate others - with time.

With a few folks willing to help on a regular basis, this could 'ease' your mother's fears / address some of her needs, and give you the respite you DESPERATELY need. It takes a village and you need to create one.

I can't tell you have two amazing volunteers helped me - by visiting my friend-companion weekly. I was so exhausted for two years. These 'fill in' people gave me a day wherein I didn't feel a need to visit. He was well taken care of by others. There are also students in colleges studying geriatrics, social work, counseling that need experience interacting with elders in need. This could be a 'win-win' - they get the experience and you/r mom gets some socializing. And, these volunteers then report back to you how the visit went - for you to address needs as they arise.

Gena / Touch Matters

First of all, you have a family to provide for and that has to come first before mom's fear, frustration, or supposedly "broken" brain. You cannot be her caregiver and manage work and a family. That's not happening.

I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now operate my own homecare agency. Let me tell you, I've seen your situation more times than I can count and really there's only one way to handle it.

Your mother is the dependent one with all the needs. That being said she no longer calls the shots about how those needs will be met, or by who. Sure, some people make their own care arrangements ahead of time and have secured the funds to pay for them but mother did not do this. Like so many seniors she simply assumed that you'd be her aging care plan. Unfortunately most of our senior 'loved ones' who went this route are in for a shock.

You tell your mother plainly but not unkindly, that either she accepts outside caregiver help or it's the alternative which is a nursing home. Then you go ahead and make the arrangements either way.

If you think her needs can be met by homecare, call a homecare agency and have them come out to her home for an assessment of care needs. Have your mother at this meeting so she can be proactive in her own care, but also you will have to keep a leash on how much you let her decide. Keep things simple and keep your explanations simple.

Either she works and cooperates with homecare or she goes into a nursing home.

You can't keep it simpler than this.

I find in my long experience with situations like yours, that when it's put to the senior like I have just stated, they get on board with homecare very quickly.

Good luck to you and call a few homecare agencies just to talk. speak to your mother's doctor and get his imput and maybe some dementia testing done so you get a starting point here.

It's a lot but if you can get these things done first it's good peace of mind for you.

The larger issue that you have to “get” is that she is scared, frustrated, and confused most of the time and the only time she feels safe is when you are there. She is unable to understand it herself or express that feeling but the brain is built for survival and it is expressed in her need to have you there to keep her safe. No talking, explaining, or tricks will change this. You can help by transitioning her “safe person” to hired care by being there at the same time and demonstrating that you trust this person and slowly reducing your time with her as you increase hired person’s time with her. That is the kind thing to do. It may take several weeks for her to begin to trust this other person but having you help train that person to know what your mom likes/dislikes, needs/does independently, will help. Don’t bother overly explaining as she will forget over and over, just kindly answer her questions using the same simple phrases each time. Know that both receptive and expressive language is suffering so expect her to continue in this survival mode and do what you need to do. She will never be able to understand what she is asking of you or react differently. Treat her like you would a young child with ignoring, using the same words each time, going ahead and moving to a plan that makes sense not what she demands. Do it all with love and know that what you are doing is the caring and kind thing. Take out the emotion and make decisions to take care of her needs not her demands.

Hi there
my friends mum dud the same to her
she is now physically and mentally exhausted and I’m sure that’s generated her current health issues - stress of it all. Unfortunately there comes a time when you must say you matter as well
or you will end up like my friend and she left it too k she to throw back and now she dies the most but her mother isn’t her to be the opposite.
you’ll need to force the issue. Maybe have someone come in while you are there to begin with
and say you can’t be there all if the time so it is t negotiable.
be firm.
as fir your mother calling you needing help later in the evening- she really sounds like she isn’t able to cope with living alone
maybe speak to her doctor and find out what options there are
something needs to be done
before you have a breakdown and then you won’t be able to help her which would be the worst thing that could happen
good luck
its not easy.

I read a great deal on the broken brain that mom was exhibiting. She would say things and then forget. She was afraid but unable to ask for help. It came out as expectations. I was immensely frustrated with the bossy part of her or the neglectful way she was caring for herself. I invited a lady (whom I was going to hire to be a companion to mom and more as she developed a trusting relationship. I gave her a bit of mom’s background, told her I would introduce her as a friend and then we would stop by together and I would have to leave if I thought things were going well. I was not going to force this on mom, it needed to be her decision of accepting friendship. I searched and found someone through another lady who was available 3 half days a week. Bottom line-it was a success. I did not go into this without prayers and requests for God’s best plan. This lady coordinated with me so I could tell mom I was not able to see her on the days that mom had her companion. This lady was wonderful. She invited mom to lunch (when mom could go out-she is unable to do so now). They went to afternoon events at her church. They went shopping. (I was able to get the receipts to take things back-mom sometimes shopped without using). They watched movies at home and had light meals which friend and mom did together. Later as mom needed more care, the days increased. Mom still does well with 1/2 days even though now she in in MC. This “friend” worked out so well. She loves mom and mom loves her. One of her friends come to be with mom on the 2 days she is off. Mom doesn’t even think about it now, it is a person who helps her, does one/one cueing and she can trust them both to shower and lotion and give her vitamins and eyedrops. It will only frustrate you if you try to reason with her and it will break your heart when you realize that she cannot do any better. The reversion that occurs where self care and memory and awareness was hard on mom. When she was partially aware, she told me tearfully “I cannot remember and I don’t know anything I have done, I cannot do anything but roll yarn in a ball.”

My mother has dementia so I cannot reason with her. Combative, selfish behaviour was an early stage problem. It sounds like your mother may have some dementia as well.

But, if you think you can still reason with her, consider writing down all the things she wants/needs done. Make a comprehensive list WITH her. Then check off the things you are willing to do for her. Hold her accountable for how the remaining items are going to get done. Will she do them herself? Will she hire help? What will happen if they remain undone? Press her for answers. Those are HER problems to solve. Not yours.

Either your mother’s brain is broken (and she needs hired care or placement) or she is selfish and unreasonable so you need to set boundaries.

I understand the position you’re in. My mother threatened, then tried, to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to be with her 24/7. I used her suicide note to involve EMS and the police. She is now in care.

Good luck!

Alex I think the key here is how to change yourself, deprogram yourself, not how to change your mom.

Alex33, welcome to the forum. Please fill out the profile when you get a chance. We can give suggestions/ideas on any part of this caregiving journey.


If your Mom still insists that you and only you can be her caregiver, tell her that 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they are caring. Those are not good odds. What if that happens? What would your Mom do? Imagine the guilt your Mom would feel if that happened. Don't mention your wife and children as your Mom only seems to focus on you.

Learn these phrases.

”No “

“ Sorry Mom , that’s not possible “.

“ Sorry Mom, I can not come right now , I have my own responsibilities at home to tend to .”

” Mom I can not provide all the help you need , hired help will be required .”

Your mother pays for the hired help to come to her home or she goes into assisted living . You use Moms money or sell her home to pay for her care .

Stand up to Mom’s demands with the word “ No”.

Your life matters too , as well as your marriage , and health and family time with your children .

Alex, the advice is all good, but how do you implement it? My suggestion would be to pick a day when M has everything she needs in the house, so if she chooses she can survive for 24 hours. Then put your phone on block and simply leave her alone. The next day, go around and see her. Tell her that it’s the way it’s going to be. If she wants help, she is going to need to hire someone. Melt down? Walk out!

Set her up for the day, perhaps go and see her in the evening. Tell her again. After that, repeat the experience of a day on her own. You will probably need to do it three times before she understands that you are serious.

The point is, you are not going to ‘talk her into’ being different. You have to demonstrate it in real terms. When she finally gets the point that YOU are being different, it may be possible to talk to her sensibly.

Something else you will have to accept is that you are NOT going to be able to do this without upsetting M.

Why are you "taking orders" from your mother still, as a grown adult? It sounds like you live outside of the USA, so I don't know the situation, but here in the states, we can call Adult Protective Services and report a vulnerable elder living alone. If you cannot do that, hire a caregiver on moms dime and gee mom, sorry if you don't like it but I work and have a family to care for. Love you, but I can't possibly go on like this w/o breaking down.

Call Adult Protective Services intake number, and report her as a vulnerable Senior living alone. Tell them you work and have kids, and she refuses any other help.
You cannot caregive her 24/7 and work to support your own family!

She is either a Senior Brat, or has some form of dementia, to think she can force you to make her a priority over your own wife and family.

I also want to add to others, that I thought I laid down boundaries, and I actually did but some people need a much darker deeper line drawn in the sand, specially people that are manipulative vrs the people that are vonerable to manipulation.

So even though I thought I had my boundaries down I really really didn't.

Sorry your going through this , but you need to get a lot stronger and start thinking of yourself, you need to sleep. It's not a want it's a human need, it will effect you in so many ways.

Cult leaders do sleep deprivation, to achieve control, is this any different?

Get some time away, get some sleep, better nutrition, therapy, or good self help books. I would if I where you read , Melody Beattys book, Codependency no more. Another one of her books was the 12 steps to codependency. It goes through all the AA steps, but just for codependent people.

I remember the first paragraph, said do you feel that your life is out of control, then do these steps. Something like that anyways. Your life is out of control, no doubt. So try it.
Best of luck, hope we could help

Slavery was outlawed in the USA long ago. You don't have to do what she says.

From reading your post, I wonder if you are from a culture where obedience to parents is paramount. If that's true, could she move back to her home country where she could get the kind of care she wants from some other child?

Your wife and kids should come first with you, not your mother.

Another struggling son! ITs taken me about a year to get out of a similar predicament, but its still not fully solved.. It takes daily discipline with setting your boundaries properly. Its not easy .
How old is she? Is she cognitively sound or has dementia? How much can she understand?

I'm assuming(though you know what happens when one assumes)that you are an adult now, so why in the world are you allowing your mom to still treat you as a child???
I mean really. Your ONLY responsibilities here are to yourself, your wife and your children. Period, End of sentence.
Did you notice that your mom was NOWHERE on that list of your responsibilities?
That would be because she IS NOT your responsibility.
As long as you keep enabling her and putting yourself as her only option, she will never be open to someone else caring for her.
So it's time(way past time actually)that you put your big boy pants on now and learn the word NO.
No mom I can no longer care for you. No mom I can't come over right now. No mom I won't be at your beck and call any more. You get the point(I hope).
I wish you the very best in getting in-home paid help(with moms money NOT yours)set up for your mom so you can get your priorities back in order, and be there for your wife and children.

Sigh.

If your mom grew up in the us, then as a teen or 20 something she watched The Twilight Zone. Which had episodes like this:

Long Distance Call. All about overbearing grandma getting a kid to try suicide after she died.

The Masks. Old rich guy disfigures his whole family before dying and giving them their inheritance.

Kick the Can. Nursing home residents convince themselves and you that they’re kids again.

Passage on the Lady Anne: Oldsters put the only young couple on a lifeboat rather than have them continue on a doomed voyage of death and dementia.

Twilight Zone was like one of three selections on tv, and the highest rated one between 1959 and 1964. YOUR MOM KNEW as a young person what a Senior Brat was, and now she is one.

Not acceptable.

Mommy needs to be told that mommy needs to get an aide or she will be reported to APS.

I think you are going to have to deal with her honestly, and understanding that you must maintain your wellness and support your own family.
You are going to have to create boundaries and maintain them. You will have to have a good sitdown talk with your mom and tell her you are not strong enough, and haven't enough time or energy to deal with her requirements of you. Give her emergency numbers to call if she feels to sick to get out of bed. That requires hospitalization, not your running back and forth trying to fix things for her. It may also require long term care, but that isn't your concern.
Your obligation is to yourself and to your family. Tell your mom you can talk with her every morning and evening briefly, but if she requires care she will have to hire on some care, and if she cannot do that she will have to have placement where her needs can be met, and you will hep her to find that.

If you cannot find a way to stand up for yourself then I would suggest therapy. Sometimes a licensed social worker working with life transitions in private practice is best for these issues, and to help you come to agreement with your mother as to proper boundaries.

Set some boundaries and stick to them. To an extent she is playing you.

No one can walk all over you unless you are laying face down on the floor.

No, is a complete sentence try using the word, she is manipulating you.

I think our parents forget how life was with children, work and keeping up a home. Maybe you should show her there are only so many hours in a day. 10 hours goes to getting up for work, driving to work, working and driving home. When you get home dinner needs to be made and a lot of time kids run to their extra curricular things. But the time you get home, its 8pm or so. Kids have to get ready for bed. You and wife might get an hour or two to spend with just each other. Sorry Mom, but where in all that do you think I can do for you too. You need to get help in.

With my Mom, we set up a day where I would take her shopping and run errands. She went to dinner with us every Friday. My Mom, though, had her Church and widowed friends.

There’s a saying here, begun by a wise poster, “there will be no other solutions as long as you’re the only solution” Without meaning to, you’ve let your mom know she can get away with being the only solution to her needs. It’s time you refuse to be the only solution. She must have others come in to help or move to where help is available. You’ve inadvertently given her the illusion that’s she’s okay to be on her own, when she clearly is not. Mom isn’t changing, it’s up to you to stand strong and require changes. Your health and family depend on it

Is mom cognizant?
If so you tell her that you can no longer "help" her doing all that you do.
You "help" her when you can on YOUR schedule. Say "Mom, I can help out on Monday and Thursday, the rest of the week you are on your own. If you need more help than I can give you you will have to hire someone or it will wait until the next day that I can come over."
If something happens and she calls you and says she is sick and can not stand or get out of bed you can call 911 and explain the situation. When she ends up in the ER or she is admitted to the hospital you can ask to talk to a Social Worker and let them know that she does not have anyone to help her at home and that you feel that to discharge her to her home would be unsafe.