My elderly mom with dementia kicks every single caregiver out and does not want to be placed anywhere. I feel that I will be trapped as long as she lives. I try to explain to her all the damages she is doing. She has dementia and does not have any reasoning. She keeps falling and getting injured but insists that she is fine. I watch her many hours and so does my daughter. We are very tired. I have a special needs son who is 36 and a dog that I take care of. What do other people with the same situation do?
You are enabling her to continue this way. It is unfair of you to place your daughter in the situation for hours at a time, as I'm sure the young lady has other things she would rather be doing.
Instead of calling a helper a caregiver, how about you make believe that the caregiver is your friend and you want to introduce your friend to your mother? I knew a woman who did this successfully with her mother who was a young widow and had early onset Alzheimer's. The women hit it off, and my friend's mother never knew that her daughter paid this woman to be her friend. That may buy you some time during this pandemic to find other living arrangements for your mother, and give you and your daughter some much needed respite.
- are you your mom's durable PoA? If not, is anyone? With her dementia, a PoA has the legal authority to have her placed, even if she is not cooperative (it's where she needs to be for her own protection). With her falling and dementia, she will most likely be recommended for Memory Care. If she has funds the durable PoA can choose a facility and get her in on private pay. If she hasn't many assets you can apply for Medicaid for her.
- if no one is PoA for her, you can choose to pursue guardianship through the courts. Not sure how long or expensive a process this may be, but it means you will have the authority to make all decisions for her. If you are not up to this, you can contact social services and discuss whether she qualifies for some in-home services (which will help you but it's not a permanent solution). The county can pursue guardianship and then they will get her into a facility and have control over all her care, medical and finances.
If your mom falls again and requires a trip to the ER, you can refuse to have her returned to your home on the basis of an "unsafe discharge". Don't let them pressure you into taking her back, even temporarily. The hospital social worker will start the process of placing her and gaining guardianship.
I'm not sure what can be done during the covid problems as nursing homes are locked down for now. But you can start by calling social services to see if they can provide any relief for you at all. Please do not feel any guilt over any of this. You've done as much as is possible to help her and now you've hit a wall. May you have quick success in resettling her elsewhere, and have peace in your heart that this solution is best for everyone.
Your mother doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time and live your life unless you allow her to do so. Establishing healthy boundaries with ones parents is hard. I speak from experience watching my husband do it with his parents. Sooner or later, it must be done. The choice is yours as to doing it proactively or reactively. With my inlaws, I did it reactively after burning myself out to the point of getting sick. My husband also did it reactively when I insisted that things could no longer continue, which is a long story in itself.
In home is not working despite your best efforts? Then she needs a senior care setting where progressive care is available. She is not going to get better. Her needs are only going to increase.
Given the pandemic, you have more time to research senior living options available to her in her budget range. A lot of information is available on this forum for free, including senior care specialists that are free of charge.
Don't call this person 'her' caregiver - call her my housekeeper or something. Evidently mom still has enough memory to know she doesn't want someone caring for her - so make it about you.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-many-of-us-are-stuck-waiting-for-a-major-crisis-455995.htm?orderby=oldest
Sadly, membership is up this year.
She hates everybody except her daughter, and only tolerates my hubby. Her oldest son is MIA.
So far, SIL Is doing OK managing her. I am not even allowed in MIL's home anymore and DH is furious with me for not 'trying hard enough'--well, SHE kicked ME out and told me to never come back, so yes, I do look terrible to the rest of the family, but you cannot force caregiving on someone.
As long as she doesn't fall again---she's ok being home alone. I think she has a twice a week aide and a housekeeper. She doesn't DO anything at all.
DH just frets over how bad she is--a visit to her puts him in a foul mood for days. He is actually just waiting for another fall that will put her in a NH. She should have moved to an Assisted Living 10 years ago, when she would have had some interest in making friends or being social, but now she refuses to even talk about it.
I guess we're in the WFTF category. My DH gets mid-night calls from work and when the home line rings at 2 am, my heart stops---one night it will be that she's fallen.
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