My husband does not help me with his elderly father at all. I carry him to all bid doctor appointments, do all his shopping, pay all his bills, etc. If something happens to him it's me that has to talk to the doctor s. I have to plan all family holidays around his dad and what his wants. What about our family and what we want? I also carried for my husband's mother til she passed away with no help from him or his sister. I never get a Thank you, I appreciate you nothing. What should I do? I have so much resentment built up.
However, this one thing my mother did when my brother and I were little changed my father's worldview. It might work for you. She up and went to stay with her sister for three weeks, and left him in charge of us and the house. When she returned, he was very humbled about the amount of unpaid work she did in the home, and started to take quite a different role after that. (This was around 1974 and they divorced three years later anyway. Your mileage may vary.)
The first thing I'd resign from is arranging all family holidays around FIL's wants. Take them into consideration, yes, as you would for any family member. But either 1) you get to plan the holiday as you see fit or 2) your husband or some other family member can plan and prepare the celebration. You having the responsibility but not the authority is simply not reasonable.
One by one, resign full responsibility for other tasks. Shopping? Decide whether you are willing to do some of it or none of it. Announce that decision and stick to it.
Doctor appointments? You will do 2 per months. (Or 1 or 0. You decide.)
You could resign in a big bang, all at once, or piece by piece. What would work better in your household? You can resign fully or continue to make a contribution. But extricating yourself from this unfair situation is the only solution I can see.
Understandably, you resent being stuck as a caregiver to your inlaws without any help or appreciation. But what are the choices here? Do your husband or his siblings have free time to ferry your FIL around or help with his needs? Can your FIL or the family afford paid help?
If you share a bit more about your situation, we might be able to help you better.
It's time you sat down with him and laid things out. Develop a list of "reasonable" things that he can be assisting with. Even if you are full-time housewife, your husband has no right to expect that you do everything to care for his father.
Your husband needs to learn how to do all of these things to assist his father. What if something happens to you - and you are no longer able to provide that care? He needs to be taught what to do and how to do it.
If you are going to take the three weeks off, do it DURING the holidays.
No seriously.
I know you will need to put your big girls on but there is no one who can make this change but YOU.
If someone was going to step up they would have by now.
What's your vision?
Does help of any sort sound good?
Do you need help with bathing and meds?
Do you need someone to cook?
I know you need a house cleaner.
Would a plumber be the place to start?
You don't know how much power you have. Your family would fall apart without you. Don't take that to mean that you have to keep doing it. Take it to mean you can stop doing it all. You need to stop doing it all. Catch your breath. Get a plan.
Maybe a therapist would be the place to start?
Does anyone have POA for health or finances?
Make a list of all that needs doing.
I am the POA for an aunt who is actually my husbands aunt. No relation. But she is my friend. So I do what I do because I want to. When I started to burn out I started adding layers of help. I started with HH. They do the meds, the baths, the vitals. Another pair of eyes to keep things real. They call in physical therapy which is a huge help.
Then I added a housekeeper. At first just once a quarter. I have a yard man. Her little poodle gets picked up for grooming every six weeks. I got her meals on wheels. Then I added a daily aid to give the meds. Next I hired a couple (relatives) to buy groceries, make her food, pay the aids, manage the cameras I added after a fall. Run over when she presses her medialert by mistake. Someone to understand all that needs to be done for her besides me.
She's up to a daily aid three hours a day now.
All of this is paid for by her.
I still manage it all and handle her finances and take her to her doctors appointments.
Frankly I can't imagine doing it all anymore. It helped so much each time I hired a layer of help. I will continue to do what's necessary if it costs her all she has because that's what it is for. When she runs out, if she does, off to the NH.
Your FIL obviously has assets that mean nothing to his heir. Use those for his care. If you don't know how come back and let us know what you need help with. But only you know where you are right now today.
What are you afraid of? Stop in your tracks and get help.
And we haven't even talked about your FIL. What does he want? Your husband nor his family should enter your mind as to what they want because they are not honoring him or you.
If so, then I’d suggest you roll up the doormat and schedule a 2 - 3 week trip away.... visit a cousin, friends, your own family. Volunteer for a 2 -3 week rebuild program through a church group for this summers hurricane hit zones if need be. Leave & make hubs deal with it.
Really once he’s on Day 3 of butt duty, things will change. Don’t return ahead of schedule.
Can your FIL afford to hire helpers or even a Senior Care Manager?