What to do when parent either can't or won't socialize with others?
It's been cloudy and cold the last few days (for FL) and my mom has been extra miserable. God forbid the weather not be perfect! She's in that "I'm not happy" mood and basically wants me to sit around listening while she complains non-stop. Nope. Not gonna happen. I've been trying to avoid her with excuses, but I can tell it's only making her more angry.
The other day she started asking me questions about the expense sheet I kept when we purchased and renovated her condo. She wanted to know if she got "credit" for the money she gave us at the start of the renovations. It was $20K out of the 70K+ spent. I told her yes, and then went to get my ledger to show her where the 20K was listed and couldn't immediately find it so I asked her why she was wondering. I knew her money was listed and my mom has a photocopy of the ledger, something she requested last year. At that point she dropped it and moved on to some other "concern".
My take away- she is miserable here. Living by me has not been the experience she thought it would be. Never mind that it's been my worse nightmare come true. For her -- she is miserable too. I believe that she wants to move, but the problem is twofold. She really has no place to go (this is the biggest problem), and she can't afford it, not a place to her standards. The way the equity in her condo stands right now, we would both lose money. I also made it clear to her last summer when she threatened to move over me trying to stop her driving that I would not be signing anything unless I had a guarantee protected by a lawyer that I get every cent we put in FIRST and she can have what's left. I refuse to take a loss on this when I took money out of our retirement account to fund this FOR HER. But like I said, the biggest issue is she has nowhere to go. I could rent her condo for easy 2K a month or more, so if it came down to it, the finances could probably be worked out, and that would be FINE by me!! But there is no place for her to go.
She's dealing with her own issues, or rather NOT dealing with them and her increased digs at me, from everything to what I wear to "your hair looks dirty". It wasn't. She was just in a mood. That's code for she needs attention. I'm tired of the digs about how we "never" go out to eat. We "never" do this, or that... it just goes on and on. I want to scream I AM NOT YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE!
She has NO friends here. She refuses to even consider the senior center or anything related. There are snow bird activities going on, I've offered to go with her to start... nope. Wants nothing to do with it.
I'm at my wits end, again. I keep hoping the Wellbutrin will kick in but it hasn't yet. I told my husband last night that I'm thinking of lying to her and saying I got a job somewhere, just to be unavailable without having to explain what I'm doing.
To make matters worse, I can't talk to my mom about ANY of this. I have already been ORDERED to NEVER say the word dementia to her again, ever. (I dared to say it twice in the last 18 months while wanting to talk about the future) So any and all conversations about her future care needs are somehow forbidden. She wants business as usual which means she runs the show, she decides all the rules, and if she isn't happy, nobody is going to be happy.
Is there any way I can make this better?
38 Answers
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Why does tour mother get to make the rules Piper? You're reasoning from a false premise.
Mom HAS dementia. That's the elephant in the room.
It's not your job to make her happy.
Sometimes, we become delusional because we want something for them so badly. I did this far too long with my mom and had to learn this the hard way. We fall into the, “What if? and If only? Or Should I?” trap. Vicious circle.
Not because we moved her to a new location .. she was where she always lived, but she was in denial of aging .. and faltering in health .. and so forth.
I explained many many times that she can go to the senior center, . . transport will come for her .. and/or I would go with her, to start .. her daughter (who comes to town periodically, lives 1K miles away) even went with her, one time, . to try to acclimate her to that environment in the hopes she'd strike an interest.
Her refusal to do so . was always cloaked in a mantra of "those are all old people, I don't want to go be around old people".
She was an "old people" . but failure to recognize that and deal with it.
She lived that way isolated for far too long.
She now lives in a SNF . and is surrounded by those "old people" she didn't ever want to be around. I wish I could report that she is now acclimated. Far from it.
I think what that isolation created .. was a setting whereby she was allowed/enabled to deny the reality that "IS". You too are old, .. and .. guess what .. so are others, . doesn't mean life comes to a complete halt . and the only social outlet is what your kids, g'kids can summon to the front for you.
My only advice, . you don't play that game. Life is what she makes it .. and you need to stick to that, for your own good .. you matter too.
Remind her when she begins to balk/complain that there are means to get her to a senior center to make some friends, . and change the subject . and move along. Don't get trapped into some setting whereby you are her only outlet, and she uses that time to vent/complain incessantly. It's not fair to you .. and in the end, .. it's not good for her.
She could have used the public transportation for disabled/elders, but she was too good for that.
She would call people on the phone, but I think that was a lot of her just prattling on and on. She didn't hear very well. But I guess it counted as socialization?
She eventually had an infected gallbladder, was hospitalized for 17 days, then to rehab, then to a SNF. She didn't try to engage with the other residents much, but did engage with the staff (when she wasn't experiencing paranoia, that is).
I did not want to be her social support, and thought it was inappropriate for her doctor to suggest as much to me. ("She needs social support. She needs someone to check in with her every day to see what she needs.") I just looked at the doctor.
If your mother will only at present constantly complain to you then I think you need to be less available to her and if need be tell her why. That may not change her personality but you will not be tortured by her behavior to you. You are doing your best. We can't force happiness or contentment on others. We can only try to be the person we want to be and meet reasonable needs.
I don't understand if she lives with you in a condo you own? Freedom is more important than money. Is it time for mom to move into AL? Give some people an inch and they take a yard over and over. She's got you where she wants you.
You have to ask yourself....what does better look like? And take steps to make it happen, legally and every other way.
We are moving my mom into MC in a couple weeks and she has no idea...and it will be up to her to find a little happiness. best wishes.
Don't let her guilt trip you, or put you under stress - you are an adult and should be treated as one if she wants to be treated the same way.
You are trying to 'fix' an 'unfixable' situation. The trouble is the word 'want' ....... your mother wants A through Z and even God Himself would be unable and unwilling to grant all of those wishes because life on Earth comes with some pain. Some sacrifice. Lots of imperfection, even for HER! And the demands she issues are unrealistic, unwarranted, and unachievable. Until you realize that, you will continue jumping thru the fiery hoops and burning your poor body over & over again.
Stop jumping. It's okay to say no. It's okay to relax. It's okay to let the phone calls go to voicemail. It's okay to go out and have a nice day with your friends or with DH. It's okay if mother's every need goes unmet. It's okay to realize it's not your responsibility to see to it that such a thing happens. It's okay to tell her that you can no longer be her slave or her scratching post or her Girl Friday. It's okay to let yourself off of this hook you've been put on to.
It's time for your mother to realize that the earth does not revolve around her, at least for YOU. If she'd like to move, you will help her to the best of your ability. But if all she'd like to do is to continue to complain into your ear, you're not available for such a thing any longer. You, my dear, are busy living your LIFE and have no more time for such nonsense.
Enough is enough.
They are bored and want someone to talk to. They need their own peers. An activity center would be good if they are willing to go.
My dad leaves the house too late to go to one. So we go other places, like a store or restaurant.
I hope you find a resolution. All the best
Some of your mother's dementia behaviors could be anxiety issues, is she taking anti-anxiety medication?
Next step is to just start being unavailable to hear her complaints. Use a fall detector so she can summons help if she truly needs it then set the do not disturb function on your phone to ignore her number for a period of time. You may put a camera in a hallway or living room so you can confirm Mom is doing okay. If there's a senior care or adult day care available, I would be completely unavailable during those hours. Don't make excuses, simply state you are an adult and you have a life to live that doesn't include your parent. If she's lonely during those hours, then she can attend senior/adult activities.
You have no obligation to be her entire social world just because she chooses not to socialize with others similar in age and health. With dementia, this is not going to get easier, so make your stand now. Schedule some time in the morning and again in the late afternoon or evening to check on and/or help mother as needed. Schedule a weekly night you go out for dinner and visit with her afterwards at her condo. Lunches out should be at the senior/adult care center with her new friends.
I feel the struggle, anger and subtle guilt underlining your words, something familiar and a situation that, no doubt, started in childhood. I know for a fact my mother was the elephant in the room, a flaming narcissist, now 90 yrs old. Sounds like a similar set of behaviors and we are... trapped?
Wish I could say this is unusual, but it seems Generation X has been squeezed emotionally and financially by parents that never accepted reality. But never accept aging??? Oh yeah. Defy gravity?? Sure.
Similar to your situation, my words and boundaries I set for the sake of my family don't make a difference in the behavior she expects from my 90 yr old Dad or me. It's all about her,her,her and there will be NO DISCUSSION about AL or eventual NH.
My Dad has Chronic Lymphcytic Leukemia and is 6"0' and 128 lbs. He has no defense against her wants, she is relentless, he calls me to relay her desires so she can hear his gruff and angry tone he takes with me. Gaslighting later. Never happened. It's a familiar pattern.
I have 3 caretakers to help care for her needs currently to take the pressure off Dad, but there will not be enough pension $$ to keep her in their home after Dad passes. Thinking of the space between Dad passing and Mom's move to NH makes me feel ill.
But why??? Shouldn't I be looking forward to it???
Anyway, mother is now 93 and still alive, living in Memory Care, still her usual miserable self. I NEVER go see her alone; I always take DH with me as a buffer.
Wishing you good luck & Godspeed as you muddle thru the next phase of this; I'm so sorry for your poor dad and his CLL situation, and having to deal with HER the whole time.
You know by now that her behavior will not change but you can change yours. Don’t waste any more time or energy on a futile attempt to make her conform. She is a nonconformist.
So sorry, piper. Hugs. 💗
Others are also talking about the social/emotional boundaries, you’ll need to set those! I started late :) but did a lot of work and practice on how often I answered the phone, offered/agreed to see her, etc. I personally worked on it with a counselor.
Then when she made a few big mistakes with the stove, microwave, thermostat - after I had already been doing her bills, taxes, etc. for a while - I essentially manipulated her into moving to a senior apt., she has since moved to AL/MC. You’re likely going to have to commandeer things more and more over time, it’s not a comfortable role but get your feet wet in small ways now. Good luck. 💐
At least my mom still goes to see my sister who lives 2 hours away and gets some socialization in with some of her old friends. Although that is quite limited as well.
It's just sad and frustrating. I don't think it's healthy but what can we do about it??
People who have dementia often complain of things that they don't like, but, refuse to change it when given the opportunity. My LO would beg me to visit and be so happy when I arrived, but, soon starting insulting me and being very rude. It took me a while to understand that her brain was not working right. She couldn't socialize the way she used to anymore.
Do you have any friends who can help? It's very stressful being in that kind of situation. I hope you can get some respite time.
Some of the things I've gotten from this thread: The use of the words "Her peers". The next time she complains about being bored and/or lonely I am going to suggest the senior center (again) but this time before she can say she doesn't want to be around old people, I'm going to say "So you can socialize with YOUR PEERS". In fact, that's also how I'm going to bring up a senior living community, by saying "You need to live among your peers". Oh yeah, the words PEERS is going into my mental tool box immediately.
As has been one of my problems all along I need to continue to work on being assertive, and not letting FOG keep me from setting boundaries. Yesterday afternoon I knew she would text wanting to get together. Sure enough she did. I started stressing because I was definitely not up for it yesterday and trying to think of an excuse and my husband said "You don't need an excuse! Just tell her we want to lay low and you will see her tomorrow, if you want to". So I texted her "We're going to lay low this evening but tomorrow I'm making Reuben chowder if you want to come over then". She ignored my text, LOL. So typical of her. I know she is sitting there looking at my text and was mad, because when she wants something, she wants it NOW. Oh well, we had a peaceful night.
BTW Gemma I'm the one who recently started Wellbutrin. It's only been five days so I'm going to give it a couple weeks. So far I just feel a little nausea. I also wondered yesterday if I was feeling the "anger" side effect I read about some having, and that worried me. If that happens it will be a deal breaker because Lord knows I can't afford that side effect, but today seems better. Crossing my fingers it helps soon with the depression.
Kimber, my dad was a buffer too, like Lea said her's was, only mine died about 20 years ago. My solution then was to live long distance (oh how I long for those days) but now I do what Lea does and have my husband with me unless he absolutely can't be there for some reason. You will find another buffer, and maybe your mom will feel different if/when dad passes first. I too feel ill when I think about the drama that will come with placement, but all we can do is one step at a time, right?
I had to laugh when CTT said she didn't want to be her mom's social support (I don't either) but the looking at the doctor part Lol. I have already decided that when the doctor talks shift to my mom not being safe to live alone, I will make it clear I am not available. Any doctor to suggest it, I will resist and ask them if they are ready to write that letter yet that she needs an ALF.
Thank you all again. I don't even want to think about where my mental state would be without this forum. Hugs to all of you.
its a long road with a dementia/Alzheimer’s parent, as you become the Parent. You have to set strong boundaries. It’s difficult at first, start slow like you are now.
it gets easier to stand your ground as you go along.
assisted living is the way to go, no matter how much they complain.
they know how to better care for there condition.
whether or not she chooses to participate in activities is her choice.
you cannot be her “entertainment delivery service”.
fit your own needs in. It feels selfish at first, because you probably have never done anything for yourself.
you were taught to seek Moms approval at all times, whether she was worthy or not.
You can’t help anyone if you are too broken and sick from Someone sucking your energy out of you constantly.
i wonder if you would need the Wellbutrin if you didn’t have Mom pulling on you all the time?
take care of yourself, you are worth it!
Same situation here...I am totally burnt out. Have been doing this for too long!
Ive found that at times you have to lie.
She is a controller & manipulator even in her dementia state...unbelievable.
I realize now, though they had a nice social life when Daddy was alive, he was the initiator.
She just watches t.v. all day.
When I visit (twice a week) I brace my self for health complaints and watching cowboy pictures and judge shows.
Last week she wanted to know about the SIX charges on her monthly bank statement.
I said, "do you mean the rent, cable, hair and three checks for Christmas gifts? " Lord, I almost lost it. I now understand she just wanted attention. Thank you.
I still work (self employed) but I'm thinking of taking a quilting class from the senior center to get her out of the apartment. My husband and I take her out about once a month. Her wheelchair is way to heavy for me to handle on my own.
One last vent. Mom constantly says she hasn't heard from... insert, my brother, sister, child,...
I pulled her phone book out and said, if you call them, it won't cost any extra on your phone bill.
She NEVER calls unless she needs, Coke, bread, a pie.
I had major surgery last year, she called the day I came home from the hospital, then two weeks later to ask if I would go to the grocery store for her. I explained I needed help going to the in-suite bathroom and she said, "Oh, I thought you were better now. "
I pray, Lord allow me to do what I can when I can. I, too, had to decide not to try to be her entertainment.
If your intent is to con Mom into blowing the stink off by “joining you” at “your” quilting class in her building, brace yourself for 0% enjoyment and 100% bullsh*t. Resisting. Complaining. Excuses. Deliberately forgetting.
Option #3 - Just skip it.
Bottom line: Mom has no interest in a social life. It might be weird to you, but she is fine with it.
Hang in there! I know how frustrating this. (((big hugs)))
I started quilting about 4 years about. I love it. And it is a great social outlet but for you. Not for here. At least not with both of you in the same class. It will be awful. It is a pretty expensive hobby at least for start up costs but it is fun. I met with one group that does charity quilting for a women’s shelter and we sit and sew and chat away. Good luck with your mom and your sewing.
Try to change an expected behavior on your part. Also, taking her to the center and joining her would be a good thing to try. You could tell her it’s a one off and see how it goes.
i think fear of speaking and going out play a huge role.
Now onto the other issue. I am wondering about my Aunt & Uncle, they are like glued at the hip, she won't go anywhere without him and the only contact they have is with family. They have been snowbirds in Florida for 5 years, rent one of my places, tons of activities in the park , they have not attended 1 thing, nada. They say that they are not joiners. I really wonder what is going to happen when one of them dies. They have no friends, their entire lives rotate around each other and their family.
My step father and his wife are the same way, no life outside of each other. They are in AL, he attends nothing, sometimes she goes and watches a movie...by herself! Big step!
I am beginning to wonder if it is a generational thing, the little women just follows the lead of her husband, has no ability to formulate a life of her own and when he dies she is lost.
I agree with the others, you are not her entertainment committee, let her sit, maybe she will then reach out. Good Luck!
This isolation here still really threw me. I've talked to my siblings about it and came to realize she's always been a little anti-social. She kept her circle small and people like her BFF Shirley were the ones who were social butterflies. I told her when she first brought up moving that she couldn't expect me to be Shirley 2.0, and she said "I'll meet other people". Nope. The outings I set up with people in my building close to her age went nowhere.
Then there are people like my MIL. She and my FIL snowbird and have been doing it for 30+ years. My MIL goes to all the activities and the senior center. My FIL does guy activities too. They are in their 80's and snowbirding and doing all kinds of activities right now. So when one of them passes, the other will still have a support network. My MIL puts effort into maintaining her friendships.
It's possible that if two people are unhealthy co-dependent on each other there could be some hard issues when one passes. I hope that doesn't happen with your relatives but it might.
I feel like this experienced has given me a crash course in what old age is like, and healthy versus unhealthy coping. I like to think I will be more like my MIL. She's always been very proactive about her health and staying busy.
On to the important stuff. Reuben chowder tastes like a Reuben sandwich but served as a chowder in a bread bowl. It has corned beef, sauerkraut, a cream base with some diced potatoes and swiss cheese. You can vary to taste. Then you top the bread bowl with more swiss cheese and let it toast under the broiler for a bit. It has like 80 million calories but it is soooo delicious! Let me know if you want me to message you the base recipe.
You sound really stressed but maybe it's time to stand up to Mom, sell the condo, move her out, and rent a one bedroom apartment so she had no alternative but to live where she can get the professional care she sounds like she needs.
I'm so sorry your going through this. Make sure you take care of yourself mentally and physically. If you don't mom is left alone anyway.
I'll pray for you 🙏.
As I look back I see that Dad and Mom were stuck together like glue, Mom was the controller, so now she controls me. Instead of reacting to the buttons she pushes I am trying to learn to analyse what she needs vs what she wants.
Changing my perception helps, for instance she says I need to give up my community garden plot, I think it is none of her business, as queen of my life I get this luxury. (Sanctuary and away time for me.) A lot of the demands I can gloss over, some I have to choose whether it is worth fighting for. Pick the battles that are worth it.
And if she has dementia, know the problem is not you, her brain is changing. You can't reason with dementia, it is a disease.
What you do or think is no one's business but your own AND you need to do the things you enjoy to ensure YOUR happiness! That is the way it works, but we can't explain that to those who don't understand it or accept it - esp those with dementia. I used to hear it all the time from mom too, about my cats. Now she just makes some off-handed comments about 'her and her cats'!
Hope you guys like it!
what I did was to bring in another caregiver. But, she was introduced as just someone who would help get the place organized. I was there. After a couple hours I offered my Dad some ice tea...also the new person.
we sat around and just chatted. After a bit of time I “had” something else to do...left them to chat,
after the second day, my Dad mentioned he doesn’t get to go to Walmart hardly at all...she offered to take him.
the next day they were friends, That weekend he missed her a lot. After that, he barely noticed if I was around or not.
it solved two problems. First, he would not accept anyone but me as caregiver...so he got a “friend”....second he had someone to hang out with, and go places with.
she was a gem
I would tell her that we are going to lunch and you have a new place picked out that you are going to try and just do it. If she refuses to get out of the car, take your keys and let her sit and pout while you go enjoy a nice lunch meeting new people. I would do this once a week and as soon as she made a friend I would stop participating and let her fly solo with it.
My dad is finally making agreeable noises about going to the senior center. I just keep telling him, when he starts saying he doesn't get out enough or doesn't have anyone to do things with, dad, I think that you will be pleasantly surprised by who you will meet at the senior community center. I bet you find someone or a couple of men that would like to ____. This has been going on since 2017, I have felt like a nag, but it is finally making progress. Yippee! I am believing that he will have new friends to play with before summer hits.
Keep giving her the solution and learn some clever comebacks for her ugly comments.
It is okay to tell her that she shouldn't say anything if she can't say something nice. Let her get angry, maybe she will see that it doesn't work and she will try to be nice. Can't hurt anyway, she is already being ugly and difficult.
You can do this! I remember your 1st post and I think that you are doing a great job for her. Whether she sees it or agrees doesn't change the fact that you have stepped up to help her when she was never there for you. I think it must get stuck in some people's craw when they're being help by an adult child that they treated awfully when they were children. I would think it makes them feel ashamed and then they bite us instead of appreciating what is being done for them.
Sure would be nice if parents cooperated.
As her dementia got worse, she could not follow directions at activities or keep up with conversations, so unless my dad was there to help, she could not participate. She has no motivation to do anything but eat, read watch TV a d. funny enough, get her nails done because then she gets compliments. Yes, she is a narcissist.
I believe that along with the inability to understand information, the part of her brain that controls motivation died...not uncommon with dementia.
I finally gave up...we simply let her do what she wants. She has my dad for now, but that could change at a moment's notice as his kidneys are failing.
If that happens, we will place mom in a beautiful care home with ten residents where they will take her to a activities automatically and bring her to meals.
At some point, your mom will need to be placed in a facility or come live with you... so be sure you have the financial resources for that.
Good luck