My mother does not have dementia . She is in assisted living because she has other health issues. She has lived with each of her children but it became apparent that she needed more care than any of us could give. She decided on her own that she needed to go. That being said, she is miserable. I have posted several times about various complaints and missteps, etc since she has been there. Last week she topped herself. She had received her monthly bill and there was an extra $20 charge which she thought was for kleenex. She was outraged. She called me and I told her to ask about it. Come to find out, she didn’t “ask” about it, she DEMANDED to know why she was being charged in a nasty note that included refusing to pay , etc. The Director emailed me and we spoke on the phone. Seems mom misread the bill. Simple mistake, however when we went to the Director’s office to show mom and discuss it she absolutely freaked out!
we both tried to tell her that it’s not what she said but how she said it; that you can “catch more flies with honey…”, etc. she reacted by telling me to shut up and when I’m her age I can say something. Then she said she was “miserable and she’s going to make sure everyone around her is miserable as well!” She knows exactly what she is doing! I was so shocked, she was behaving like a child. Like a two year old! I have not really spoken to her other than through texts since. It has been a few days. I apologized to the Director and I hope my mom does as well , but it’s doubtful. How do people deal with such rotten attitude ? The Director suggested counseling for mom, which I agree with, but I seriously doubt she will agree to it.
can they kick her out for being so mean and nasty? We wonder if that is her goal.
Did the bill say what the $20 was for, if not it should have. Does Mom pay her bills or does someone else. If someone else, the bill should be sent to them and not Mom.
May be time for an intervention. A family sit down with her and tell her that kind of display was over the wall. That if she is miserable that's her own fault. The reason she is in an AL is because she feels entitled to say and do what she wants. She has alienated her family with that attitude and now she could be kicked out of her AL for that attitude. She is one person and they will not allow her to make the other paying resident's lives miserable. Her room can be filled with another resident very easily. Tell her if she is asked to leave (and yes they can ask her to leave) the next place maybe a NH. Because, she has burnt her bridges with her own children. She can be a miserable B all she wants but she doesn't have the right to bring others into her misery. Tell her if she does not make the effort to change, she is going to be one lonely person. The nicer she is to the staff the more they likely hey will do for her. Then tell her to think about what you said and walk out. I don't really care how old you are, it does not give you the right to treat people this way. And I am not beyond giving a little threat to get my point across.
Actions have consequences.
Women like this do not take well to suggestions for 'counseling' b/c they think it's OTHERS who need to change to accommodate THEIR needs, not the other way around. Your mother may learn in short order that the world doesn't work that way, that SHE is the one who will have to change HER behavior in order to adapt to her new environment. Stop stepping in to apologize and 'fix' things, too. Let mommy be a big girl now and handle her own life. In reality, the Director is familiar with this type of behavior and it's not the first time she's witnessed it! I'm sure she has her own ways of dealing with these elders, too!
Try not to stress out TOO much about all of this, and allow mom to handle her own issues at the ALF. $20 isn't going to break her, one way or another, either! Next time there's a discrepancy on her bill, let HER figure it out on her own. You acting as a middleman just stresses you out and doesn't wind up 'fixing' anything anyway. I used to step in and try to 'fix' things for my mother who was always creating drama, until I too figured out it wasn't accomplishing anything. So I told her to fix it HERSELF, and that's when things calmed down b/c she decided everything wasn't really the big 'crisis' she was telling ME it was originally! When SHE had to fix it herself, it suddenly became 'no big deal', you know?
Wishing you the best of luck....it's not easy having a difficult mother, that's for sure!
She is making herself miserable while everyone around her is trying to help. It’s just senseless.