My 83 year old mother refuses to talk about any planning at all for what to do in case she requires long term care. She gets very angry about this. My brother and I have both tried to approach her. She refuses to talk about any financial planning and will not do a quit claim, or even deem us to have power of attorney if she becomes unable to care for herself . She says that we are after our inheritance and says that she will live alone and will never want our help. Or she says that she feels that it is wrong to worry about the future.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but we've always had a close relationship. My brother and I have tried for years to talk about the subject and the response has always been the same.
We are very willing to come and care for her one day in her own home if she'd like. But the home and her farm will never be in our name. Would it be taken away from her to pay for expenses even if we are living with her to care for her?
- Where I live, there is a limit on how much land you can own while being eligible for any government benefits (about 4 acres). There are some more complicated rules for family farms which are being passed down, but you need to check your own rules, not mine. If your mother has heard about this sort of limit, she may be thinking that she will be forced to sell and move if she applies for a benefit. However the details may not be like that for her.
- Does she know about the 5 year look-back for Medicaid? If she can stay there for more than 5 years, the farm can pass ownership now without future problems. (And again, check locally)
- As she thinks you are after your inheritance, does she realise that a sale to you can include a life interest for her, so that she has the right to live there permanently? (And again, check the implications of that for you and your brother)
These are complicated questions for which you need legal help, but knowing the answers can lead you to a couple of very simple options. Don’t talk about the complications with your mother, sort out the options with the lawyer. It would make sense to write the simple options down and leave the letter with her. Give it a heading like ‘How to protect your farm’. She’ll probably scream blue murder, and then read it when you’ve gone. Perhaps send her a copy in the post, just in case she puts it in the fire in the ‘blue murder’ stage. I’d probably tackle this side of things first, because she is likely to find the idea of a POA very threatening. If you can deal with the farm and benefits, the POA is likely to be less of a problem in a year or so.
Best of luck, Margaret
Does your mother have any friends who have signed POAs? Sometimes, if their peers speak positively about it, their friends will take heed. My parents refused for years, but after their friend bragged on how she had signed HCPOA, DPOA and Advance Medical Directive, my parents changed their minds and did too. Their friend was thrilled to have it done and over, so she didn’t have to concern herself with it anymore.
Another incentive is that without POA, it will be up to the courts who handles matters. I told my parents, I’ll have to take all your financial records to the courthouse so they can review everything, which is true. Most people would not like that loss of privacy. The Guardian has to provide accountings and show records to support it.
property is mortgage free, no one can take it. And Medicaid has special rules when it comes to farms. If she needed to go in to long term care and couldn’t afford it, that’s when Medicaid would come in to play and they again they don’t just take houses.
Sometimes after a health scare, a crack opens in their denial & it can be arranged. I call that being whacked by a reality stick.
Sometimes cognitive decline arrives before 'the talk' is successful. The planning & practical part of the brain is already becoming inaffective. The *I'll manage* stage sets in. (Easier to just say that then actually plan...)
Past that is no longer denial but 'lack of insight'. Sometimes a firm Doctor can sway them, otherwise you are left waiting for a health crisis to force change. Guardianship may be required.
One Doctor described that to me as *RIP* Rotting in Place.
(I have 2 x I'll manage & 1 rotting in my family).
Keep trying with 'the talk'. Wouldn't it be nice for Mom to plan what SHE wants rather than have it forced on her? 🤗
At 83, your Mom remembers what Nursing Homes were like back when she was young. Not someplace you want to be if you could help it. They have improved a lot. Now we have Assisted Livings which were not around years ago.
For now the one thing I would try to talk her into was POAs. Explain that a POA does not give you the authority to take her money. Its a tool for you to help her if for some reason she can't do for herself. Make sure bills are paid for one thing. With Both financial and Medical, you follow her wishs. Hopefully there is a Will in place.
Do not promise you will take care of her. If her actions are the beginning of a Dementia, that becomes a 24/7 job. Not everyone can care for someone that long.
I think you should get familiar with the Medicaid laws in your State. Especially where a farm is involved. As Margaret responded the house may not be counted but the land may be an asset that can be sold for Moms care. There is a 5 yr look back with Medicaid so don't do anything concerning the farm until you have talked to a lawyer well versed in Medicaid.
If she's receptive to the living will, it might open the door to complete the other necessary documents... POAs and a will or trust.
Good luck.
Sometimes I think I'm just waiting for the state to call me. Or someone to call me to tell me she's dead. I hate what I'm going through with my mother. But there is not much I can do. I'm sorry for your dilema. I wish elderly would understand the the human body is just not built to last forever, and it fails at some point, and it's really very important to put affairs in order before the inevitable happens. Its a shame when adult children have to suffer a parents catastrophic decision to not prepare for the end of life.
My MIL made her end of life a 'memorable' one, not a resentful one.
I think it's the combination effect. Some people were always planners, some not. Then add cog problems (reasoning first to go it seems) - this is the result. I feel for you. I am on a similar trajectory watching close family members & seeing lack of planning/reasoning.
I am trying (where I can) to work behind the scenes instead.
If your mom ever needs care and you plan on providing it I don't know what you are worrying about. You would not have to worry about a lien against anything if you are not planning on putting her in long term care facility.
I would not listen to any advice on a caregiver forum about what is and isn't allowed, there are variables that we don't know and those can affect what your personal situation is.
Go see an attorney.