Mom (94y/o) has been in the assisted living wing for about 2.5 years, it's a fantastic Christian based ALF with a caring staff that is amazing! Mom hates it! She has progressively declined, in particular in the last two months, both physically and mentally. I am her daughter (64 y/o), the only living family left, single and looking for work and financially unstable. She had lived with me 4 yrs. prior to moving into the ALF. It was hell! I am certain she has NPD. My brother (has passed) was the "Golden Child" leaving me to be the scapegoat. I've had counseling that was not productive. She has lied to me, can't trust her, pulled the rug out from under me when I have let my guard down and tried to trust her, threatened to call the police and tell them I was abusing her, etc. Today's discussion with the doctor and staff was she needs to be moved to the memory wing, lesser for memory care (although there is early dementia), but she is having difficulty with daily personal care, dressing, standing, etc. I help her with showers. She's refusing to go to meals, 100% incontinent so there are soiled clothes everywhere. She's experiencing chronic UTIs and severe dehydration. (these issues have contributed to some of the confusion/memory and inability issues, but it's more than that) She feels she's fine, everything is someone else's fault, certain she could actually live in her own home. She is constantly asking me to let her come live with me again. For my own sanity I can't and won't allow her to come back, it breaks my heart as a Christian, that I can't open my home to her, but boundaries to a narcissist are just a power struggle that winning is at any cost. The staff has said they would "take care" of moving her to memory care, I should stay away for about a week and let them handle it. I know they do this all the time, and sometimes taking the "family" element out of the situation helps. She says there are just crazy people in memory care and she's scared to death of that wing. When in fact, it's also for those that need more daily care like her. Somehow me staying away and letting the staff handle it is making me feel like they are "tricking" her into the move and here is this physically fragile 94 y/o that people are forcing her in to going somewhere that she refuses to go and I am abandoning her, when in fact I feel it would be in her best interest. I have many conflicting emotions, some I'm sure for the brutal "narcissistic training" my whole life. Past experience of talking or reasoning with my mother is useless, there are no discussions with a narcissist. I am just expecting holy hell to happen, both during and after. I can't explain my feelings for her as many years of mental and verbal abuse, my Christian beliefs, guilt, obligation...."muddy the waters," but nonetheless she is my mother. Any advice or situations that have worked best without WWII happening, would be appreciated.
At 1st I would suspect red flags for them requesting your absence. I think it is necessary for the seperation to take place in order for her to adapt to trusting strangers to care for her. If you are not there, she can't put the blame on you. Or the guilt! Trust that it is for the best. Keep your sanity intact. She hasn't much time, as she is clearly in her Winter of life. All the best to you. Stay strong, keep what you have learned.
Bleased be.
It's it's rather unfortunate often times when we think self-care is selfish, but it's not. I'm learning we all are worthy whether we have been told we are or not and everyone's life needs to be taken into consideration.
My my thoughts and prayers go out to you as well. Visit some of the facilities, try to check on what options you have. I do have to say her current ALF was truly an answered prayer, and now I need to leave everything in God's hands in moving forward.
Up until just past Christmas, sis and I had been taking Mom out every other day to eat. She lived at home alone, wouldn't cook or eat at home alone (afraid of choking, but always has been). We noticed a significant mental decline in her and she did something to her knee that caused so much pain she couldn't get up to go to the bathroom easily. So she stopped drinking. We knew this could not continue so on Jan 11, we tricked her (had to) into going to a doctor's office, where she was immediately whisked to the hospital, then to rehab, then to her new home. This has been hell, but a different kind of hell. We have not seen her - at the advice of the home's staff and our support group - since moving her there on Jan 28.
As yours is, she is absolutely miserable. Asking for her daughters. Doesn't believe she's ill (tip: look up "anosognosia") and a multitude of other unpleasant things. The staff at the home we picked is terrific and really know how to handle Alz victims. We aren't visiting, but we call every day and ask how it went. She's even a handful for them but we have discovered they are protecting US, telling us she's not settling in well but is doing okay. We are concerned and want to be involved but will not subject ourselves to more abuse. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your religious beliefs, I would assume, may make you feel you are doing her a disservice. And if that's so, it's very sad. I have a hard time with a religion that would have you break your back to save someone unsave-able.
Maybe this little quote I heard yesterday will have some meaning for you (it did me): You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I wish you the best, and most of all, some peace. We all need that. It's value cannot be underestimated.
I won't go into sordid details, but I have a situation much like yours, with a parent in assisted living, who has turned out to be an incredibly destructive force in my life. I am younger, with two teens and a husband at home. I recently found out some incredibly devastating lies that were told to me by my mother, and had to relive some horribly painful grief. I, too, share your faith, and have struggled mightily to balance the honoring part with the sanity part.
A friend gave me an invaluable piece of advice in December, shortly before I had the stomach-turning task of informing my mother that I could not in all good conscience take her with us for Christmas. My friend said this: when you can't be her daughter, be her provider. For me, that meant I had permission to take a step back, make sure she was in a safe place with everything she needed, leave her be, and just take a breath. And I did just that. I encourage you to do the same thing, as clutching her care so tightly to your breast will tear you apart. You have your own life to live--do the best you can to make sure she's taken care of, and enjoy time with her on your terms. Carrying the burden you are willing to bear will tear you apart, make you bitter, and will do nothing good for either of you. Let the staff be the "bad guys" and you be the good guy, being there when you are ready to be.
I hope this helps, and I hope God blesses and heals your tender heart.
Since my Dad was always fugal with money I had to use a "theraputic fib" telling him that the new room would cost less [which it didn't]. His ears perked up and he was ready to pack. His main concern was the chef. Luckily the same chef handed all the wings in the facility, so that made Dad happy as he loved the meals that were provided.
The nursing care facilitie has had a lot of experience in how to get patients to co-operate. This is in everyone's best interest to stay away.
As much as it will cause you grief, trust when they say not to come by. Try to take these few days for yourself. Do something kind for yourself. That's not selfish. We are the same age, meaning you have a lot of years left to go. Breaking down your own health won't help anyone involved. Especially your mother.
1) O.P.E.D.--"Old People Eventually Die". We can be kind to them, do our best to take care of them and make them as comfortable and happy as possible, but eventually nature takes its course and we cannot prevent it or even prolong it very much. We are not guilty because our parents or other loved ones die. This is the natural order of things. We simply have to accept it and know we did what we could (assuming, of course, that we actually did, but that's probably not an issue with anyone on this forum).
2) We cannot "make" people happy if they choose to be unhappy. If dementia creeps it, it is even more difficult to make them happy. We shouldn't sacrifice our lives trying to do the impossible.
3) We don't deserve to be abused by people who willingly (i.e., not demented) choose to abuse us. If dementia arrives, we can make a certain allowance for it, but only up to a point. Then we have to protect our own health, sanity and our relationships with other family members and friends.
4) When we need help, there is no shame in asking for it or changing the circumstances to provide it even if the parent or other elderly person doesn't want to accept it.
Also maybe stop calling it MC around her, maybe personal care or something that doesn't elicit her fear of "crazy people", people only with memory issues. I can understand the fear of moving to MC meaning she is "loosing her mind" maybe just getting more "help" is easier step.
In your circumstance. it might be better for you, to just tell your mom that you'll be there to visit in her new place after she gets moved in.
But, you could ask your mom if she would rather you come to make the move with her or wait til she's moved in to visit, and see what she says.
I have a 94 yr old Dad and anything new can be scary.
Eeveryone likes FAMILIAR.
Prayers
She was definitely housed with a "different" cast of characters, but after time, I got used to the assembly and from time to time would interact with the other residents as best I could. I did notice that some residents received regular and loving visits ,and others had been warehoused.
I had been taking care of my wife at home and was basically ambushed by my kids one Sunday who told me I was no longer capable of taking care of her on my own and she needed a professional environment. They had already scouted out a couple of places.
Let them do it. It will work out
From what I read, there are many in our shoes. And not too many parents are grateful to their children who have to make these decisions! And many that are in our shoes, say to make sure we don’t give up our life to care for them. Your mom needs the professionals now. They seem like great people. Put your faith in them and do what you need to do for yourself finally. We’re not getting any younger and we have a life to live too. Love and light to you.
She most likely doesn’t want to make this move because it is difficult for them to lose whatever control she has over her life decisions. I saw that with my parents even though I was able to take care of them in my home. It is traumatic for them to lose their independence.
It sounds like the staff at her facility knows what they are doing. Trust them and be there for her afterwards. Its good to know that she will be receiving more help with her new needs.
I too had gone through hateful abuse with mom. She resented that I was helping her. Most days I would be in tears. I prayed and cried a lot. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore I stopped taking the verbal and physical attacks less personal and forced myself to stay as positive as I could muster and just love her through whatever time she had left on this Earth. I didn’t want to have any regrets in the end. She passed away last 4 mos ago and I can honestly say I don’t know how I survived it but I have no regrets and am so very glad I was able to actually enjoy the last few months with her instead of letting her attitude effect me so severely.
Hugs. I know this isn’t easy for any of you. Just do the best you can. That’s all we can do after all.💕
When you do go back after the big move, I would not try to explain or rationalize the move. Keep the answer simple - the doctor said it's best for you. You needed too much care to stay in your old room, etc. I understand you don't like it here, but how can we make it better?
Good luck!
My advice is to trust the facility. They have done a good job with your mother so far. I agree with them, let them take care of the move. That is their job. They do this all the time. They do not bear any of the emotional burdens. This is what they are getting paid to do. Take their advice, and step aside for the period of time they suggest, to allow your mother to be moved to the appropriate level of care. That would be the best thing you can do for her, and them for that matter. Let them do their job freely.
It is hard, I know. But you will learn much in the stepping aside, and so too your mom.
Please know, that just because you are her daughter, and just because you are Christian, does not mean that your home is the best placement. The best care you can provide just may be the facility she is in right now. It is what God has provided, and it is working. Praise Him for His Goodness, and trust.
This. THIS. And an add-on I've read here is that as long as the parent is safe, fed, and clean, that that is taking care of them (even if it's by someone else and somewhere else). Way too many people take the "Honor thy father and mother" as meaning taking them into your home, being their doormat, impoverishing oneself, etc.
I read an Advent reflections publication last year, and boy did it lay it on on the essay on honoring one's father and mother. There was NOTHING about establishing boundaries. The message was clear. Be a doormat. I'm guessing the author had NO idea what it meant to take care of elders.
Did it mention the parents part such as saving up for their future and their children or that a father shouldn't provoke his children to anger? Just curious because I see a lot of pick and choose and out of context to control people and that sounds like a good example. No offense intended but this person and I obviously believe differently.
Your mother is very unhappy. That is extremely sad for her. But whether living with you, living in the excellent ALF, facing this move to memory care - and it sounds as if it would be better described as stepped-up care - she has been very unhappy throughout; and sadly that will continue.
The point is that *nothing* you can do will change the person your mother is. Accept that, and then accept the professional advice you know you can trust.
I am genuinely sorry for your mother's demons. They are horrible for you but they're at least as horrible for her: imagine having them in your head! If you could change her habits and beliefs of course you would, but you have to accept that this is beyond human power and still have compassion for her misery.
You feel the urge to participate in the move and to stand by her. The question you must ask yourself is whether this will help *her*. How will it help her to have someone to scream at and plead with, from whom she is guaranteed to get an emotional reaction? It won't change the reality, that she now needs enhanced care, it will just make the transition that much more traumatic. Don't get in the way any more than you would insist on holding her hand during surgery.
Honor thy father and mother is about respecting them, NOT laying down and being their doormat. God does not expect His children to stand around and be abused because they believe on Him.
I am a Christian with boundaries, they are in the bible, maybe not called boundaries but they are, ie separate yourself from unbelievers, if you go into a city and they won't listen, leave and shake the dust of that place off your shoes, I could go on and on. God gives us these as examples of what behaviors to accept, boundaries. My point is that you matter, not just your mom. She is safe, well cared for and has never been happy unless she is tearing someone to bits.
Let the doctors direct her level of care, you stay out of it. I would also recommend staying away longer than a week and not visit as often or stay long. She needs to learn to live in her new reality. Scripture talks about when we are old others will lead us where we don't want to go. This is a perfect example of that.
It will be hard but you can implement and enforce boundaries with her. Be consistent and take care of you. Write them down and write down the consequences of her crossing them ie I am not going to let her speak ugly, nasty words to me, when she does the 1st time I will say, mom I am not okay with you being ugly and nasty with me, please stop or I will leave, next nasty word I will get up and leave. It will take time, you have 64 years of habits to get through, but it is very doable.
If she needs MC, she needs MC you didn't do this to her and you can't fix it. Step back and let her needs be met in the best possible setting. You can do this, your life matters as well.
Best of wishes getting through this, may God grant you strength and wisdom as you need it.