Currently, my grandmother lives with me and has been recovering from a disease caused by having lung cancer. This immuno-compromising disease left my grandmother debilitated, unable to shower, use the bathroom, or even rise from the bed without requiring assistance. This was in late 2018. Since then, she has slowly been recovering and my mother and I share the responsibility of assisting with everyday tasks. She stayed in a nursing facility for 6 months until she could rise by herself and use the bathroom by herself. In the facility, she received physical therapy but that ended when she returned home. In the beginning, I was not compensated for any help I gave. My mother does not ask for any compensation from my grandma as well. A year ago, my grandmother began paying me $60/week sporadically, but around 4 months ago she suddenly began paying only $30/ every 2 weeks without discussing this change with me first. I initially did not mind. As her strength increased and she began to do more tasks independently, I started to push her whenever she asked me to do something. For example, if she asked me, "Can you put the dishes away, please? I would do it but I'm too weak." I would answer "Do you want to try to do some yourself? I'll stand here with you and if you can't do it I have no problem finishing the task but I think you should try". She has become increasingly irritated at my responses and I'm beginning to think she just wants someone to do everything for her just because she doesn't want to. With that in mind, I feel I should be compensated more than I am. How do I have this conversation with her and what is a fair amount to ask for? As of now, her needs that I help with include being in the room when she showers, putting cream on large areas of her body that were affected by the disease (every day), taking her dogs out, taking out her trash, opening water bottles, and various other miscellaneous tasks.
Unfortunately, caregiving can become a trap. I hate to see a young person just starting adulthood get stuck in a bad situation.
And she's the one who's failing to communicate?
You say she's living with you - whose house is it, hers, yours, your mother's? I have trouble imagining the discussion about putting the dishes away taking place in a kitchen that in fact belongs to you.
Is your mother or are you in charge of helping your grandmother to manage her bills?
Are you in education, employment, full-time, part-time..?
They may see it as trying to SAVE the families funds... but I can see how it can come across as devaluing the free family help they receive.
I think clearer communication can resolve this & sooth the OP's resentment.
Is G'ma or Mom in charge of the finances?
Is it actually Mom that expects helping/caring for G'ma is just part of living in the household, not an extra to be paid for?
It goes both ways. One of my kids (when young) wanted to be paid for doing the dishes or sweeping the floor. I said yes, if they started paying rent, gas, electricity, phone, water, food. I joke a bit, as caregiving for a Grandparent is VERY different & will be ongoing & probably progressive too.
Maybe a conversation around what's expected/reasonable for you to contribute to the household (chores, care duties, money) & what's expected/reasonable back to you (paid for personal care duties).
It's a tricky one, isn't it? The only tasks listed that are really care-related are supervising showers and cream application. To pay someone to do that, you're looking at a one hour a.m. call which costs... whatever it costs in California. But then again, this is a 25 year old family member with no training in moving & handling and no experience. Can she legitimately claim an equivalent pay rate? Would the family pay for a caregiver if she refused to do it? - no, is my guess, it would all land on poor old Mom.
Putting the dishes away, walking the dogs, taking the trash out... well. This is just part of living in a household, isn't it? Opening water bottles? Good grief. I think you'd have to be quite far along the burnout highway to resent opening a water bottle for your granny.
Or, okay - are these responsibilities costing the OP anything, for example if they reduce her hours of paid work? Um. Dunno, but it doesn't sound like it.
Isagavila, maybe try adding up how many hours are occupied by supporting your grandmother and take it from there.
Is she living in a home that you own, or is it mom's? How old are you? It sounds like you are at the age where you should be in school, college preparing for your own future. If that is the case, figure out a way to get out and start living your life.I
Your profile says you are 25. Get out and start building your future.
What are your plans to become self-supporting? Do any of these hobbies have the potential to become a career?
As your grandmother ages, you will be expected to do more and more for her. If you are resentful now, think how much more so you will be as her needs increase.
What about getting a paid job outside of the home as your first step to becoming independent?
Back in the day, my Grandma had to take on the care of her widdowed Grandmother. Probably was the olderest girl still living at home. At around age 13-14 school education was over & full-time work expected. So Gran-care probably fell to the next oldest granddaughter.
Your expectations may differ from your Grandma's! You probably won't be able to change her long-held views or sense of 'duty'.
So, instead, what about your long term plans?
Full time work will give you a greater income & ability to save for your own home & towards retirement (one distant day).
How about a compromise eg you get a part-time job to start & Grandma hires an aide for showers 2 X a week.
How will you support yourself when GMa dies?
How will you afford the mortgage?
Unless you are independently wealthy, you need a job, a career, a profession.
A big part of the issue is that you are seeking the validation and good feelings (and compensation) that most of us get from our jobs from...grandma.
Don't isolate yourself this way.
If it is YOUR house then grandma should be paying 1/3 of the household expenses (if there are 3 of you in the house)
If the reason you are not working outside the house is because you are having to be there to take care of grandma she should be paying you the same amount that she would have to pay any other caregiver. (In many areas that is about $20-30 and m ore per hour, more for overnight, more for live-in Google rates in your area) You will have to pay taxes on that income.
If YOU are living in mom or grandma's house ... get your act together, get a job and move out. You are far to young to be a stay at home caregiver for the next 10, 20, or more years. ( what happens when mom needs help, you going to do it again for another 10, 20, 30 years?) You will wake up one day and wonder where your life has gone and you will find it difficult move on. If you like caregiving check your local Community College, take a Certificate Course and become a Certified CNA if you like that, continue and go into Nursing School.