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@Cover , Don’t diminish the fact that this person is upset due to suffering from dementia .
Furthermore , Covid is everywhere , my 34 year old son has Covid right now . He works from home everyday , so he didn’t get it at work . He drove his own car to Michigan to visit a friend last weekend and they went to a museum and then rode on a shuttle bus to a factory tour at Ford . I’m assuming he may have eaten in restaurants too , although he said the shuttle bus was very crowded , he’s thinking that’s where he got it .
NanainUkee: Unfortunately your LO lacks the capacity to understand that home, to him, is not really a brick and mortar structure, but rather a place where he lived as a much younger person. You'll have to change the conversation, e,g. 'let's get a snack/treat.'
I agree with Geaton777 and MeDolly when they said that perhaps you're visiting too much. There really is no good reason that you must visit him every single day. Wouldn't you like a few days off a week to just do something for yourself and not have to worry about going to visit your LO? And if you're answering no to the above question then it may be you who has more of an issue than your LO. You yourself say that your LO is in "an excellent memory care facility" so you should be able to stay away for days during the week knowing that he is being well taken care of. And it may just be YOU that's reminding him about home thus by seeing you every day it reminds him that he's not home. Why don't you try just visiting 3 times a week and see if that helps? It certainly won't hurt as it will give you more time for you to do things that you enjoy, and it may just let your LO adjust to his new home.
When possible I use this as a discovery and often bonding opportunity. “Home” doesn’t always mean what we naturally assume it does and can actually mean a variety of places or times during their lives. I will often ask “which home do you mean”, “where is that” or simply “tell me about home, why do you want to go there now”? It often leads to stories and information as well as my mom coming round to realizing that she is home. I also often help her come to terms with not knowing that she lives where she is and thinking she lived somewhere else by saying she must have been having a lovely dream about ——home.
These are excellent suggestions but I am reminded of the song “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home” Sad. Ask what he misses most about home just to get to his feelings.
The therapeutic fibbing is what has helped me navigate alzheimers with my dad. I have a whole pitch down now - "you put a deposit down on a place (house/condo, etc.) close to my house, 5 min. away. We are waiting for them to finish cleaning so it is all set for you to move in. Maybe a week - week and half, I'm waiting for the lady to call me." I have been saying this at least 3 times a week for about 10 mos now. "Lying" to him is so foreign to me, but this disease is horrible and has robbed him of any sense of logic. I always tell my dad none of us want this for him when he says things like he doesn't want to be there. And that makes him feel better, it calms him.
Wanting to go home, for a dementia patient, is most often him expressing a desire for comfort and familiarity, of how things were when he was young and living with not a care in the world. He can BE at home and ask to GO home, which frequently happens. He's not looking for a brick and mortar building as much as a place in time he's lost, sadly.
The worst thing you can do is to tell him he IS home because he won't be comforted by that statement and may actually get more agitated instead. Hug him and tell him you love him very much and hold his hand, kiss his cheek. Let him know you'll always be there for him as a familiar loved one. Then offer him a snack or to walk around the grounds with him. Divert him, in other words.
Wanting to go home every day could be an inability to adjust because you are visiting him too often;
or, he is depressed and maybe could use some meds for anxiety;
or, he is Sundowning and the "home" he wants to go to is actually his childhood home (this is a feature of dementia).
Was he recently placed? Is he on any meds currently? You can ask the admins for advice -- they've handled this issue plenty of times. I wish you peace in your heart as you work to help him.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Don’t diminish the fact that this person is upset due to suffering from dementia .
Furthermore , Covid is everywhere , my 34 year old son has Covid right now . He works from home everyday , so he didn’t get it at work . He drove his own car to Michigan to visit a friend last weekend and they went to a museum and then rode on a shuttle bus to a factory tour at Ford . I’m assuming he may have eaten in restaurants too , although he said the shuttle bus was very crowded , he’s thinking that’s where he got it .
Wouldn't you like a few days off a week to just do something for yourself and not have to worry about going to visit your LO?
And if you're answering no to the above question then it may be you who has more of an issue than your LO.
You yourself say that your LO is in "an excellent memory care facility" so you should be able to stay away for days during the week knowing that he is being well taken care of.
And it may just be YOU that's reminding him about home thus by seeing you every day it reminds him that he's not home.
Why don't you try just visiting 3 times a week and see if that helps? It certainly won't hurt as it will give you more time for you to do things that you enjoy, and it may just let your LO adjust to his new home.
NanainUkee
I have been saying this at least 3 times a week for about 10 mos now. "Lying" to him is so foreign to me, but this disease is horrible and has robbed him of any sense of logic.
I always tell my dad none of us want this for him when he says things like he doesn't want to be there. And that makes him feel better, it calms him.
The worst thing you can do is to tell him he IS home because he won't be comforted by that statement and may actually get more agitated instead. Hug him and tell him you love him very much and hold his hand, kiss his cheek. Let him know you'll always be there for him as a familiar loved one. Then offer him a snack or to walk around the grounds with him. Divert him, in other words.
Best of luck to you navigating a tough situation.
NanainUkee
or, he is depressed and maybe could use some meds for anxiety;
or, he is Sundowning and the "home" he wants to go to is actually his childhood home (this is a feature of dementia).
Was he recently placed? Is he on any meds currently? You can ask the admins for advice -- they've handled this issue plenty of times. I wish you peace in your heart as you work to help him.
My pat answer is " When the doctor sends me a letter that says you can return home I will let you know until then you have to stay here".
Have you considered not visiting so often, let him get acclimated to his new home?
Good Luck!
I will add this thought to other suggestions.
Nanain Ukee