After Dad died 8 years ago, Mom sold the house and used the money to build an in-law apartment off the back of my sister's house. She's been there ever since and is now 86 y.o. I live close by, and until recently my primary role had been in taking Mom out, to get her hair done, shop, go to doctor appointments, etc. My goal was to get her out - good for her mind and her body, and also to give my sister and her family a bit of respite. Recently, though, Mom's mobility issues, combined with her fear of Covid, have greatly changed her willingness leave the house. She's only gone out a handful of times in the past year, despite my repeated attempts to just take her for a drive, etc.
My sister is overwhelmed with work/Mom/Covid and every time I see her there seems to be a simmering rage just below the surface. I went to see Mom yesterday and Sis was barely civil to me. I want to help but don't know how. I've brought them meals ("My husband won't eat that") offered to stay with Mom so they can go away ("We don't have the money to go away - you should know that"), offered to run errands, anything I could think of. I've straight up asked what I can do to help and she just responds "There's nothing you can do."
I work full time and have an Autistic child so I can certainly relate to how hard it is to provide care for someone 24/7. I really want to contribute - I call Mom every day and bring her anything she needs but it isn't enough. We also have 2 brothers - one of whom lives on the opposite coast and contributes nothing. The other is close by but lives from one self-made financial crisis to the next and had soaked Mom for money so many times that it's safest to keep him at arm's length.
I've started to dread going over there as my sister's anger towards me is so hard to take. What can I do?
Ask your other siblings for money to get a Gift Card to a Restaurant and movie and offer to come there to watch mom while they go out..
Tell brother that has been doing nothing how straining it is for your sister and that she needs a break and ask him to contribute money monthly so you can hire a Caregiver to go to your sister's home once a week for a few hrs to give her a break.
Aso the other sister to watch mom and take your sister to get a Manicure and Pedicure.
Arange for Sister to get a massage.
Send or bring your Sister some pretty flowers and a card telling her how thankful your are that she's taking such good care of mom.
Your Sister needs at least a weekly break before she has burnout or a nervous breakdown.
Her and her husband need some alone time and if she isn't married, your sister needs some time for herself.
You need to make this happen.
The OP does not need to make this happen.
If the main caregiver is overwhelmed, they need to take action. Take responsibility to say 'I need help'. Maybe stop being a Lone Ranger? Get a team, or a bigger team. Not siblings here & there to pop in when it suits them & certainly not to send occasional money unwillingly. A proper reliable care team they can trust.
I think the kindest thing is giving space & time to listen. Ask the reasons why the current plan no longer works. Then work together for a new plan. Things change. We all get older!
Love? Does she think it is more loving to do it all herself?
Truth? Did she make 'the promise' of no NH ever?
Obey? Does she think she must obey Mother's wishes of no outside help?
I am still in the middle of this with my lot. The Carer-Extraordinaire in my clan is motivated by Duty. After more than 6 chats (much much more), inc interventions with more family & social worker - there is little real change. Medical professionals advised me to walk away for my own self-preservation 😔. They said some will martyr themselves for duty. But this differs to your sister as no resentment - like a captain who willingly goes down with the ship.
The resentment from your sister indicates she is giving too much.
She must choose to change her situation. The alternative of waiting for magic to fix it doesn't work.
Is she ready to LOOK at the situation with fresh eyes - SEE what is required & CHANGE to a new plan?
Or is she holding tight under a blanket of denial?
A therapist told me it can take SIX sit down honest chats before someone may be ready to look & acceptance starts to creeps in. Then more chats to find the new plan.
So keep talking! With time & support, hopefully together you can steer towards a better place.
Add COVID to all the regular stress of a badly arranged situation and this is what you get!! Absolute exhaustion. The shear thought of change. Any change—good or bad—that requires energy she may not have.
I am FORCING myself into therapy before I end up destroyed and destroying everyone else!! I absolutely HATE my parents negative attitude...and yet I have been sucked into the vortex...and find , too, do nothing but complain to my nice sister who means well.
I am not sure how you could suggest therapy.... in my case it was my daughter who did. And I guess I knew I needed help.
Your sister is angry and resentful. These emotions are what is constant and familiar to her therefore she feeds them to her own detriment. If this were not the case she would not contribute to her own suffering by not accepting anything that you have offered. It is sad but there is no way you can help her until your sister decides to help herself. Nothing grows you Iike pain. Your sister needs to go deep and change within herself. Until that process for her begins you will be the focus of her anger and resentment. Give her space to realize the value your check-ins are and take care of you and your child.
Except, keep going. And keep talking.
All I can say is that when caregiving for an extended period of time it does change our perspective on things. Yes, even our moods/ personalities change and I am sorry about that.
You sound sincerely concerned and very sweet. I realize there are two sides to this story. I see through your words that you care.
Let’s be honest, your sister needs a real break. A brief time is all that you may be able to do. I see that you have responsibilities too. We all do.
Please read Isthisreallyreal’s response again. She took the words out of my mouth as to how I felt.
I know you feel hurt and I understand. I know that you can probably cut the tension with a knife around your sister and that is hard but it’s because we feel overwhelmed as primary caregivers.
I did burn out. Ask anyone here and they will tell you how stressed that I was.
Since I am no longer the primary caregiver I am feeling like myself again. We lose ourselves due to only being able to be a caregiver.
Everyone needs a break from time to time. Yes, they may at some point have to be open to consider having someone else care for their loved one. Not an easy transition because we start to feel like we must do all the caregiving. It’s all we know.
It’s hard to explain. Sorry if I can’t articulate it well enough for others to see how it feels. I had no idea it would be as hard as it was. You really do have to walk in a caregiver’s shoes to completely understand.
My mom is now with my sibling and he is getting a dose of reality of how hard it was for me. I am glad that he called in hospice to help.
It isn’t good for anyone if the caregiver burns out, not the caregiver, the siblings, the caregiver’s family and certainly not their loved one that is being cared for.
I would like to thank you for posting this concern. It shows that you care.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Will your sister sit and speak with you. Can you say "I really need to speak to you and I need you to be honest with me. I am trying to help, but I can't know what to do to help, and I am not sure there IS any help. I just need to know if there is anything I can do for you." If she will not speak to you, then her anger and depression is beyond your help.
What I do need to tell you is I am worried about your bro who is tapping into your Mom's money and I think you need to discuss this also. I fear the time is coming when Mom will need to move to care, whether she built this to live in life long or not. And if she needs any financial help after her assets are spent down there is the five year lookback (unless you are in lucky california) and your bro's money will be considered a gifting of assets that prevents Mom getting help.
I can't know what is going on, but I do think that often we take things personally that are not meant so, that are simply pure frustration, and to be honest DESPAIR.
Your kind heart is proven in the above. I don't have an answer, and if Sis won't talk NONE of us will have, and you will have to go on doing the best you can. Ask Sis what her hubby WILL eat, and give her coupons to have food brought in from his favorite place. I can't come up with anything else and you have a full plate yourself.
I will say that this end of life nightmare is every parent's nightmare, every child's nightmare. I think parents and children should not live together. I so seldom see it work.
Similar situation. My husband and I bought a 2 family home, with the intention of mom moving up into our apartment once she retired (this was 25 years ago). It was a win-win for everyone - mom got to live with family and we had reliable baby sitting, because hubby and I were both first-responders with shifting and unpredictable schedules.
So fast forward to 2 years ago when my mom got sick. She had had early stage heart failure for many years -over 10! - managed by minimal medication. But 2 years ago, she came down with some sort of respiratory infection and it did substantial damage to her heart. Within a couple of months my mother went from being substantially independent to practically fully dependent. Gradually she's been losing mobility, strength, muscle mass, etc.
I find myself angry a lot. At the unfairness of the situation. It's nobody's fault. But that does little to ease the anger. And there is fear mixed in there, as well. And being afraid makes me angry, too. And sometimes, I lash out at people who love me, people I know will have my back and help me no matter what, because I know it's "safe" to do so...that they're not going to say "screw you!" and walk away from me, that I can talk to them once I'm calm and not so angry and apologize, and my behavior will be forgiven because the people who love me know the enormous strain I'm under.
My point is this - I doubt your sister is angry "at" you. I'm sure she realizes that you are doing everything you can think of to help. While it should, knowing that doesn't make it easier to accept the situation. When she lashes out, she might be like me - she's taking it out on you because it's "safe". I know it's not fair to you, and I'm really sorry you have to be in this position. I'm just trying to put it in a different sort of light that might make it a little easier to accept.
You're a good sister. I imagine when the time has come and your mom has passed, your sister will tell you that, as well.
(((hugs)))
Her visits are helpful. But she gets to be the “good sister” who rescues them and takes my mom shopping or sits and chats and asks questions. She is spared from the constant complaining and discontent attitudes 24/7. She is spared from the criticism
Her “great ideas” ...easier said than done...as if I hadn’t already tried or read about them myself.
Visiting/calling isn’t the same. It is nice. And it is appreciated. But please know it is NOT the same! And I agree...the anger isn’t directed at you, probably...but I would agree. You may be the only person She feels safe enough to direct that frustration and anger.
Someone once asked me this question. I thought it was a PERFECT way to ask. They said, “You seem angry and frustrated with me...but I know I haven’t intentionally done anything to make you angry...so I’m guessing maybe you are angry or frustrated about something going on in your life. Would you like to tell me about it?” I was SHOCKED. A bit taken back...but then overwhelmed by the kindness and wisdom of the question. They acknowledged my emotion without judgment. They didn’t take my anger personally and become offended. They DID give me permission to sort out my feelings and share if I cared to. I REALLY appreciated that.
Thanks for being a caring sibling. (We also have 2 that do nothing. Not even a phone call to check on my sanity). ❤️
I'm not sure of your financial situation but my suggestion is hiring a cleaning service for the house (not just your mom's area). I realize that may not be possible right now because of Covid. Perhaps, relieving the time and physical effort of cleaning will give your sister some time for herself. This idea could go for hiring a lawn service as well, if needed.
Good luck and again, thank you for being her ally in a rough time.
Does your mom have enough assets to afford an assisted living facilty? You could take the time to visit some of them and inquire about costs, living arrangements, and services. Many offer respite service where your sister could place mom for a few days while she (sis) gets a well deserved break. Hiring a home care helper might work but having another person in the house could also add to the turmoil your sister already feels.
If mom doesn't have the assets, or has minimal assets, start applying for medicaid. That would open up some other options.
It sounds like the answer is to find mom a new "home". Your sister's tolerance will continue to decline and the situation will worsen. Continue your love and concern for your family as I know you will. God bless you.
She sounds like she is burned out and barely treading water.
Have you asked about taking mom to your home for a month? Hourly respite is a nice thought but not a great deal of help for someone that is just tired.
Can you afford to get a room for your sister and her family for a long weekend? She hasn't had a life of her own for so long she may not be able to see beyond what has been.
Lastly, you should send your sister flowers with a thank you card for allowing your mom to move in on her life and for all she does. She deserves it.
As is seen so often on this forum, the sons don't do a thing (and sometimes take money from the elder), while the daughters are left doing the caregiving.
You cannot step up to help your sister more, because of your job and your child's needs. Your brothers are not going to step up -- they are lousy takers and not givers.
Who has POA for your mother? I'm assuming that because you are a doctor that you have HCPOA? Just because your mother has enabled your brothers does NOT mean that you have to step up and do more.
Your brothers should pay back all the money they were given so that caregivers can be hired. Just how much money has she given away in the last 5 years?
Would your mother qualify for assisted living? A skilled nursing facility? What are the sorts of things that your sister has to for her?