My mother recently moved in with me, because of her declining mental (dementia) status. We were supposed to move but we ended up pushing that back. It was all too much for me.
My sister only called my mother maybe once a week when my mother lived by herself. The tablet my mom has (that I got her) is having problems working. Since my mom moved in, my sister has constantly said I am limiting calls between them, which I am not. Mom is in the bathroom, shower, outside, and doesn’t constantly have the phone around her so sometimes she misses calls. My sister has gone to manipulating our mother to the point my mom will become moody, not know why and it will last all day every day my sister calls. Yesterday my sister grilled my mother about how clean my house is, if we visit her in her room then said “you have the capacity to fly, we need to get you down here” then tried to get my mother’s doctor information. Sister does NOT have POA, but will harass them regardless. I have talked about stopping communication for a short while so my mother, I, and my family can reset without her interfering, which then WOULD be limiting phone calls. Also, the phone is in my name, my mother is living with me in my rented home. They threatened to take me to court if I stop communication for a bit.
Is there anything that can legally be done to me for turning my own phone off for a small period? I’m so tired of the added drama and stress from this. To me, what she is doing with manipulating her and constantly causing disruption is abuse to her. She’s not respecting her wishes for our mother to continue living with me and won’t just stop with all of this so our mother can live out her days happy.
Would either your sister or you want that?
Have you ALWAYS had a troubled relationship? Or is that new?
A war between siblings when an elder is old, esp if impaired and confused at all, is about, imho as ugly as it can get for the parent invovled. It is a great tragedy. It rips a parent in half.
I will tell you what I personally would be. And that would be to do all I could to include your sister, INCLUDING that trip to see her for Mom if Mom can travel at all. If not, and she requires being accompanied, encourage sis to come get her and take her home with her for a while. Write sister and ask if, for the sake of Mom, you two can endeavor to get along better, and ask her how this can be accomplished.
Now if NONE of that works, and Sister is the monster she is kind of portrayed, then you are in trouble, and I hope there is money to cover a guardianship.
You do not mention if you are POA. Are you? If you are, do you feel sister has any reason to try to get Mom's finances, or to interfere.
As you say, she cannot get medical info. My question to you is why, if YOU have medical info, would you and Mom not share what is happening with Sis?
These family things can become very complicated indeed. If you would like reach out online .org sites for family mediators, do let me know and I can supply them. Drop me a private message and I will be glad to post them. It is a bit lengthy for me to keep posting them over and over for folks who may not have any intention of using them.
Again, for your Mother's sake, if for no other reason, try your BEST to make peace here. If your sister is a bit psychotic you won't be able to. And then you are down to guardianship, which I would do QUIETLY if at all with the help of Mom, her doc, and a good attorney.
Just one additional thing to "try". Your sibling is not calling YOU. She is calling your Mom. So don't talk to her yourself. Simply tell her when best to reach Mom. And then tell her you "have to run".
You can even stop allowing her to speak to her on the phone. Also, your sister has no right to get any information from your mother's doctors. They are not allowed to share that information with her unless you give permission to.
You are spot on if you think your sister is manipulating your mother. You're also right that this behavior is a form of abuse.
Your mother lives with you and you're the one who has taken the responsibility for her. Not your sister. Remember that.
Call your sister and tell her that you will be listening in when she calls to speak to your mother. There will be no manipulative talk or getting mom worked up. Tell her that if she starts up with it, you will end the call.
Make her understand that it has to be this way because you are the one who is literally responsible for mom and that when she is upset it makes the job of caring for her very hard.
If tablet is having problems, then get it looked at. Its really not a good excuse. Are u sure its the tablet and not Mom? If your using a certain app, maybe its the app. Uninstall and reinstall. Maybe not compatible.
Give Moms doctors copies your POAs and ask that they be put on file. At our local hospital POA shows up on Moms acct with who is POA. No one in the Medical field should be giving info to anyone but you and Mom. Its against HIPPA laws. Mom would have to sign a form at each doctor and facility allowing sister to get any info and with Dementia she can't do it now.