What can I do?

On September 8, you wrote a post saying your mother lives with you:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-the-only-caregiver-who-often-feels-angry-and-frustrated-with-the-role-of-caregiver-ive-been-del-477058.htm?orderby=recent

You received 44 comments to that post. How is it that a few short months later, 'she doesn't want to live with you?" What happened from September to now? And why would you WANT to live with her again after what you posted in September??

Unless you are saying she 'doesn't want' to live with you, meaning she wants to move OUT? Which is perfect, GET HER OUT then!

You did get some very good advice on that September post, about getting her into a nursing home on Medicaid, etc. What steps have you taken toward getting her placed? Once you do get her into long term care, you'll slowly start getting your life and your mind back. It's really the only way.

Good luck.

PS: In your 9/8 post, you mention mom makes too much to qualify for Medicaid, plus you share expenses, which tells me YOU need HER to live with you. Those are two separate situations. First, I'd get a consult with an Elder Care Attorney to help you navigate how TO get her on Medicaid. Some states have Miller Trusts set up whereby if an elder makes 'too much', some of it goes into the Miller Trust for care expenses, and that solves the issue. EC attorneys also have lots of other ideas about Medicaid and how to qualify. If she has too much $$ in savings, she can be placed at self pay, spend down her assets, and THEN qualify for Medicaid.

As far as you 'needing' her income, which is what it sounds like, you'll need to get an extra job or something in order to be self sustaining so you CAN get mother moved out. You can't have it both ways. Me, I'd do whatever it took TO get her out b/c you can't go on like this. Figure out what it would take to make it on your own, and then make it happen.

Best of luck

It sounds like you are completely miserable. Your mom doesn’t seem satisfied either.

Figure out a way that you can both be independent. I don’t know if you wish to have a relationship with your mom afterwards or not. No judgement from me, either way, but focus on finding placement for your mom first, then you are free to resume your life.

Wishing you all the best.

lealonnie has a very good point -- what have you done since September? Have you done anything that was suggested to you back then?

First, she lives with me. She pays her "half". Otherwise I would be living in a one bedroom/one bathroom. Alone, especially in the market today, I could not afford a 2/2. Next, she has dementia. I ride the mental roller coaster with her. Today might be a bad day for me (for all the reasons you may be able to come up with, and maybe some you aren't aware), and she would end the day with, "thank you, this was a good day". To an outsider, they'd say, well that's nice. But the error would be that that reasoning excludes the fact that she has no empathy, so simpathy, no concern to recognize what I went through on that same day. CCTN55: I did not see 44 responses as lealonnie1 referred to... However, most are telling me to do what I can't do. She has zero monies. She can't pay for a facility, so I can't move her into one. She has zero monies. I can't hire an attorney (spend money I don't have) to give me answers on how to best "take care of her life's situation". lealonnie1: I have gone through the preliminary steps for her assistance through Medicaid. She is on a waitlist. It is a start, albeit one that could be a very long "wait and see" experience. To get assistance, everything is weighted down onto me. Make sure this, make sure that, fill out this, gather this information...it has become another "job" for me to juggle. She can't answer the questions. She needs the assistance. To answer the part of "September...until now..." All throughout her life, she's only lived with others, to benefit herself. The moment it wasn't moving forward the way she wanted, she would vacate. She's been married many times, dated many, lived alone very little without support from family, friends, lovers and such. The only person shes ever repeatedly used over and over again, is me. Finally, yes she would like to move out into a place of her own (apartment). She's had offers all along from woman she knows to share a house, a manufactured home, even her sister offered up the opportunity to live in the second bedroom at a assisted living facility. She became angry and verbal, and intolerant to her sister and moved out. There have been numberous times I SHOULD have simply walked away and cut ties with her. I have heard that (now) from many people (good to hear after the fact, huh?). I began handling her finances about 11 years ago. She filed bankruptcy (with her husband at the time, whom she divorced 2 years later), and didn't have anything. My husband, (also a relationship that ended shortly after) told her he would send her a plane ticket, she could come to where we were and live with us for the remainder of her life (no conversation prior with me.) He moved out, we divorced, she has been "my problem" since. I have little to no tolerance for her and her, let's just call it shenanigans. She is highly manipulative, and was extremely abusive to her 3 children (myself and 2 brothers whom were behind me in age by 11 & 13 years). I was the product, so were they. The youngest died just recently, (drug over dose) the other has too many issues to write about here, but he is an alcoholic, which rules him out for any kind of help to me. I have come to realize I do have issues stemming from all of this. It has ruined my life. The window I've opened here, is only a very small portion of how this has impacted me. I am now in my late 60's. My life is coming to a close and this is how it's ending.
I have no answers that will work for me from all the kind folks on this forum. But want to thank you for the time you took to try.
Oh, lealonnie1: you have a view from standing outside looking in. All I can ask you is this -- Am I to pack boxes for her and put her on the nearest corner? She has dementia. She has Alzheimers. She can't walk without a walker (for now). She has little to no monies. She can't manage alone. She needs assistance for most of her daily routines including food and medicines.

Don’t know where you are with this.. you post screams something needs to change…

contact your county office of aged and disabilities

start the Medicaid process

Google care advisors and get someone who is local, to assist you in locating placement. They know the ins, the outs, what’s available cost, Who accepts Medicaid.. the service streamline things for you. You don’t pay them, they are paid by the facility that gets placed . I used a franchise called Carepatrol.

On a waiting list for Medicaid. Maybe for in home services but also for LTC? Never heard of a waiting list for LTC Medicaid.

Mom cannot live alone, you can't live with her so LTC with Medicaid paying sounds good to me. If she relied on others to support her, then her Social Security cannot be that much. In my State the monthly income cap is a little more than $2500. Have you actually sat down with a Medicaid caseworker. In my State from time of application, you have 90 days to spend down assets, get them info requested and find a place for them.

I realize that Mom going into care effects your living condition but you sound like you just can't take this any longer. Call your Office of Aging see what resources are available to Mom. Even APS maybe able to help with resources. Check out some Adult Daycares and see if Medicaid pays for any of them. If they do, ask how you go about getting Mom covered. My Mom was picked up at 8am and dropped off at 3pm. She was served breakfast and lunch and even bathed for me.

If Mom winds up in a Hospital and especially Rehab, this is the time to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If needed you tell them she needs to be transferred to a facility because her care is more than you can handle. Yes, her SS will be used to offset her care and Medicaid pays the rest.

I am sorry u are going thru this but placing her is really your only option.

Single,

It doesn’t matter if you have posted before. You can certainly make a new post. People start new posts about what is currently happening in their lives all the time.

You’re a full time caregiver and extremely busy and we understand that you didn’t get back to the old post. Or that you may have forgotten about the old posts. Or perhaps that you didn’t know how to search for it.

I’m not sure why posters remind posters of old postings. If they remember the post and have questions they can simply ask them. Old posts may or may not be relevant to your new post.

So, of course, you are welcome to start over fresh with a new post to explain your current situation and people will answer your questions.

You say in your responses below that she has ZERO money.
That means her placement goes through medicaid.
That ALSO means that she doesn't pay her "half" of the rental so you can afford better housing through living with her, but instead her assets from SS or otherwise go to her care.
This is all about choices.
You are not without choices.
It is just that there are not really GOOD or PERFECT or EASY choices. As Dear Dr. Laura would say "Not everything can be fixed". (and to whomever reminded me I can get her Call a Day on my tablet for free, THANKS).

"zero assets" means she is Medicaid eligible. Go to the business manager of the nursing home you might take her to. They will start the process for you. Your health is important. Take her to a place where she will receive expert care.

Some of these answers from today(?) are missing the truth in my situation. 1) I'm not using my mother to have better housing. She pays a portion of the costs. As I said, I would be in a smaller place by myself (obviously), so the cost of having a 2 bedroom is greater. However, I'm not "benefitting" from this arrangement, nor is she going broke from it. 2) She has been assessed for Medicaid. She is on a waitlist pending funding through the state. That is how it works. She does qualify, but can not simply go to a place and move in - - she can't pay for it. 3) Most of her money has been for her personal/medical care. She has needed aids for the place we live. When she fell and needed the walker, it was going to be several months -- process claim, doctor signature, etc. So I paid for it. But over the years...it does add up. I don't get reimbursed. It's been 11 long years. Over the last while, she's yelled at me about moving out on 3 separate occassions. At the close of 2022 she was actually calling and talking to apartment complexes. They didn't know what she was talking about. She didn't realize anything about money trasactions and wanted to move into places that had no availability. It was simply awful. Before it was finally over, she'd lost $150 in fees and she had locked herself away in her room and was not speaking to me. SO, 4) she has some money, not enough to have an apartment by herself though and certainly cannot live alone. She needs assistance. She has dementia. She has Alzheimers. Uses a walker. Does not own anything (no car, no house). She has no one who would choose to live with her or help her. Each day is worse than the last. She is angry and takes it out on me (always has). The only change in that is that she has no strength to get physical toward me anymore.
Now, having said all that, AGAIN, thank your for trying to give advice. I do not feel I was being heard or that my particular situation was being considered. And with that, even though some folks thought they knew...they don't. So, I'm getting off here. I am done.

I had to call APS and walk away from my mentally ill 92 year old mother with dementia. She NEVER cooperated, sabotaged many things I tried to do to help her, , tantrumed and spewed venom about me when she couldnt get her way..and after 13 years of trying to please her, she finally broke me, body and soul. She qualifies for Medicaid so she can be placed in a facility by APS. You also do not have to agree to become her guardian or POA, given your lifelong history of abuse. Been there, done that. You deserve to finally have, and create the happy life as an adult that you never knew as a child. Call your local APS (Adult Protective Services ) first thing tomorrow and dont let her know you are doing so , so she cant practice hone her acting job for them. Keeping you in prayer to stay strong and escape this hell. You so deserve it....

Single,

I think people were sincerely trying to help answer your post. Thank you for explaining your situation.

Things can change from the tIme a person posted previously. Older posts only give background information, not any new information.

So, we realize that it’s important to hear current information in order to help you now.

I can see why you would be frustrated. Nothing happens overnight.

New challenges occur which take time to resolve. It’s unnerving to have delays when trying to move forward in planning for the care of our loved ones.

Don’t feel as if you have to leave the forum. Misunderstandings happen occasionally.

Wishing you all the best.

are you waiting for, like, section 8/202? thats the only low/no income i can think of that needs waiting, i think she's beyond independent living.

the only quick possible response i can offer is to talk to anyone in a local senior center near you. in person, you will be able to interact better, explain things on the fly etc. here, ppl are going to have to make sets of assumptions about what youre asking and try to give you as much info as each person can insude of the assumptions they make, and reading that sort of thing when you have no patience left can be painful.

these situations always suck. i couldnt imagine being with my mom if she was ever purposefully toxic under her issues. its bad enough and we love each other unconditionally.