I took care of my mom in my home for over two years. My mother died Nov 4th with me by her side. I stroked her hair, said prayers out loud, told her it was okay to let go, and sang the songs she always sang to us as lullabyes. I would not change any of that. She lived in my home and home health workers and helpers would come and go all day long. Now the house is way too quiet. Since she lived here, there are many, many things that remind me of her and set me off to sobbing. I am still trying to get in insurance payments and pay off any outstanding debt before splitting any leftover money. There is not much left because it was ALL spent on my mother's care and to make her comfortable. My sister, who came once in two years to visit, is claiming I stole the money. My younger sister lives out of the country and even though I have written several letters informing her of our mom's death, I have not gotten one response. I can't call her, she went deaf while waiting to see a doctor in that country's wonderful government health care system. I have lost all of my family and wish I could feel my mother's arms around me again. If you are able, take all the hugs you can, they won't be there forever. How do you get over this? I have had people say "Just be happy." I wish I knew how!
Death and loss is a universal experience. But as a recent widow I can sure tell you that it can sometimes feel like you are the only one in the world with this pain. It helps to remind myself that others go through this and not only survive but eventually thrive. I will, too.
I am at an age where most of my friends have had at least one parent die. One was especially close to her father and remembers well the pain of his loss. I find spending some time with her is calming. She doesn't tell me to "snap out of it."
One of my grandmothers died more than 30 years ago, in her late 90s. I still think of her often. When I do I am glad that she was/is a part of my life rather than sad that she died. I think I am moving in that direction regarding my husband, too. I'm not forcing it... I'm just letting it happen. I am glad he was a part of my life. Sometimes the pain that he is gone is intense. I accept that, and trust that the gladness will eventually be the major feeling.
Hugs to you. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself time to grieve and time to heal.
I think the answer is to be the best Mom and Grandmother as a new example. That's what I planned since I was 7 years old. My kids rock, they love and respect me, so I was right:) xo
Regrouping - reorganizing your life - takes time and cannot be done while bogged down with paperwork. Before you became a caregiver, what filled your days? Can you return to those activities? My mom cared for my dad for several years before he died last October. Before and through those years she had her voluntary ministry to bolster her. She also did gardening and worked with a volunteer construction group. Now she is increasing her time with those activities - it still feels odd, no longer being a caregiver, but she can cherish her husband's memory and be engaged in work that gives meaning to her life and helps others.
Perhaps you can find meaningful volunteer work as your husband's health allows. Support is invaluable so network with others, caregivers and mourners, so you know you're not alone. If you have friends who 'stick closer than a sibling', cherish them. Without fail those who aren't there for their parent will find a reason ($$$) to turn on the one child who was there through it all. Forgive them in the sense of giving up the need to make them responsive to your loss. It will only slow your progress to starting a new life. Cherish your friends who care for you and are there for that journey. See a doctor, get a thorough physical. Check on your own health so you can see what's next in your life and have the energy and strength to go there.
How Can I Live with My Grief? is a section in a lovely brochure When Someone You Love Dies. It has helped many cope with the grieving process.
My EF was down to 20% at one point. Now it is normal, and my latest cardiologist told me I was "cured" and that I should "treasure this" - which I do. I know I am one of the lucky ones. I lived in fear for years, as you and your husband are doing now. I read all the statistics that said I didn't have more than 5 years, and here I am, 11 years later, healthy. Keep doing what your doctor says to do, don't read the doom and gloom on the internet, keep as much weight off as possible, keep a low sodium diet, no smoking, do as much exercise as possible (even walking out to the mailbox if that's all he can do), and hopefully you'll have lots of years in front of you. Hugs.
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