My mom is 69 and currently in a nursing facility after she got an infection in her foot and had to get a partial foot amputation. Me and my sister have been her caregivers pretty much this whole time and we are kind of out of options. My mother's Medicare won't pay for a long-term stay at the facility, she's been putting in appeals that her insurance has been accepting and she's been able to extend her stay about another month and a half past when she was supposed to leave.
She hasn't made any progress and doesn't seem like she wants to try to make progress. Me my sister and a social worker at the facility or at our wit's end. She's adamant about returning home and we all disagree with her going home because she can barely sit up in bed by herself. She's got it in her head that when she goes home and sits in her reclining chair and not laying down in the bed that she'll be able to be independent functioning which is ridiculous. She's of sound mind so I don't have much say in the matter.
Considering all these situations I recently discovered that my mother is a narcissist and I have been in a toxic codependent relationship with her my entire life, and I can no longer offer help or sit by and watch my mother waste away and continue to make bad decisions. I'm 29 years old and I need to start living a life of my own, so I decided to go no contact. It's a hard decision especially since my mother made the decision to go home tomorrow. I have no clue what's going to happen and I'm worried about her safety, but I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot try any more than I already have. Has anyone been in this type of situation how did you handle it any advice would be helpful thanks.
No one else has the right to ruin our lives. You can do this! Believe in yourself and your determination to create your own life. You can do it.
I am sure that your mom is having a difficult time adjusting to not being able to live in her own home. In time, she will accept that she can’t return home.
Do you feel that your mom would benefit from meds to help her cope with her situation? Does she have access to a social worker or a therapist?
She said “ Stop helping , sometimes they need to fail first before they will accept help . “ ( She was referring to elderly either accepting hired help in the home or placement ) .
So is mom diabetic? Foot issues like this tend to happen to diabetics. If so, read up on what happens when diabetes goes bad…. It’s more than her insulin goes wonky. Eye and vision problems abound for diabetes. Extremity numbness & poor circulation happens so if they hurt their feet and get an infection it goes undetected till pain and infection is so bad that amputation has to happen. If your mom already has had a lower limb amputation, aka LLA, and she’s diabetic, it’s like a 50% chance the other limb will also get its own LLA. They get peripheral neuropathy so it’s real hard to get prosthetics fitted so they stay in a wheelchair. My paternal grandmother was diabetic, did not watch her diet or take her meds on schedule and her diabetes went bad. Diabetic retinopathy in both eyes and then got a nasty foot infection, got gangrene (more than 1 type too, it was beyond awful) and finally a double amputation, went into a NH in her 80’s. The thought of it still makes me shudder.
If your mom hasn’t been really trying to work hard in her PT and OT while she was in this NH under Medicare covered post hospitalization rehabilitation benefit, she will become entirely “bedfast” in the near future. If not already. If she goes back to her home, and she cannot on her own manage to transition from her bed to the bathroom and do proper hygiene, she will need 24/7 care and oversight at her home because she on her own cannot exit if there is a fire or other emergency. Medicare will NOT pay for this as Medicare is health insurance and this type of care is custodial so not covered. If mom is low income enough, your State’s community based Medicaid program may cover some IHHS / in home health services but it’s in the maybe 3 days a week for 4-6 hours a day at best, if she is eligible. Or mom from her own $ pays for caregivers. At her age of 69, shes old enough to be drawing SSA retirement income, so she has monthly income to pay for this.
I hope your Sister isn’t placing herself to become her 24/7 caregiver as this as it will suck the life out of her.
Family was calling me left and right to help aunt. I was her POA. I have done everything that I possibly could for aunt. Like your mom, she's in serious denial about her circumstances. She can't do anything for herself and has incontinence. Can barely walk without falling.
I called emergency. She refused to go. She refuses to go to the neurologist. I got a caregiver for her, she got rid of her and said she isn't listening to anyone else tell her what to do. She's in charge and making her own decisions.
I had enough. Family kept hounding me to come and visit and stay with her for weeks and weekends and even more. What more can I give? We would butt heads when I tried to help, because she didn't want help.
I gave up POA, and went no contact with the family. I still send aunt care packages, but I couldn't take it anymore. Aside from giving up my life to be a slave to someone who is difficult and in in denial, did the best I could.
Be happy you recognized that it's more than you can do. You are doing what is best for you and it's a very wise decision. {Hugs}.
I hope that you will stick to it.
As you say, your mother is of sound mind.
It is up to her to take care of herself.
Your taking care of her is being co-dependent and enabling.
Stick to your guns. You're doing great.
Keep your boundary in place, there is nothing else you can do.
Sending support your way.
Many things I advise are not followed. If it gets bad enough then I may have to go the "drop POA " route. But not yet. You will see my post titled "T - 90 days and if it does not improve, I'll consider dropping POA"
in your case you are younger than me, and Mom younger than my dad and if truly of sound mind, then indeed she can make her own decision. If its clearly against what you think is right, then eventually its totally appropriate to say "enough is enough". If she is fully competent, I assume she has not even given you POA to take care of things for her. So, helping her out when you disagree with everything, pretty soon can feel futile, especially if she has given you no powers
if you are co-dependent and around her all day, its going to get worse and worse for you then
You have your experience & know your Mom well, plus see the real situation as it is right now.
I would do as you are. Speak with the Social Worker.
Your Mom's idea that when she gets home she will ... "be able to be independent functioning".
I've come accross this many times.
To me it is not an idea based on reason or fact - is a rejection of reason & fact - it is DENIAL.
Or a fantasy of hope.
I believe this can be called *magical thinking*.
"She's of sound mind so I don't have much say in the matter".
Sound mind. Yet magical thinking.
Yes there will be a pathway. It may not be 'right,' but may be the least bad.
Wish I could pour you a coffee while I try to assemble a list of what the pathway options might look like.
(It can make a difference)
Although, either way: home alone home with family - someone of sound mind CAN decide to go home.
But they CANNOT decide for other people. They cannot inforce others. Not to collect them, drive them home, not to stay at the home or be 'on call' for them.
Sometimes 'no contact' is the last reasonable pathway left.
"She hasn't made any progress and doesn't seem like she wants to try to make progress. " I am surprised Medicare expended her stay.
Right now I'm trying to do less contact, fewer and quicker visits. But I know in my head it may come to no contact.
But trust me when I say this it will Never get better, your mom will never see the light, don't make my mistakes and go back to the way things were , expecting anything better. If you do you will be serverly disappointed .
Don't make my mistakes! Live your life and enjoy it , guilt free!!