Well, now I know...

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Well, now I know...

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Many of us here have asked caregivers who are not proactive about finding alternative care for the ones they’re caring for what would happen if they “went down”.

Well, this weekend I’ve had the flu and all it’s fun symptoms, PLUS a raging toothache. But, in the midst of my misery, I’ve still had to care for hubby. Laundry needed to be done, dishes needed to be washed, meals had to be made. My husband had to be gotten up out of bed, dressed, undressed and back in, bed cleaned and changed and now he’s telling me he needs to poo which will be another bed change. Yesterday, he yelled at me for sneezing. Then, even though I was light-headed with fever and chills, he said he wanted pizza and wings. (Nope)

So far, I handled it. I’ve also handled it after hip replacement surgery, gall bladder surgery and the death of my mother. So, do you think maybe we caregivers need to give ourselves more credit for our strength?

Care Plan Family Caregiver Flu

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I couldn’t do all you do Ahmijoy. I’d have run away long ago.

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Don’t think I haven’t considered it. But that would mean leaving my dog and cats behind, and I could never do that. 😢

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I was pretty immobile for about a week after having hip replacement surgery. I could get up to go the bathroom, the kitchen, my office, etc, and I did go outside to walk the neighborhood twice a day (with a walker first, then a cane), but other than that, I was pretty useless! My butt felt like it weighed 1000 lbs *versus the 500 it normally weighs*, so it was awkward moving around. I have no idea how you took care of someone ELSE after such a surgery, considering my DH took a week off to take care of ME!

You are Superwoman, that's for sure!

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Hubby travelled a lot for his job years ago. I was left alone with two young children, a house, a car and a household to run. He managed the finances but I handled everything else. He’d cut the grass and do yard work when he was home on weekends, and then fall asleep. We had no social life or friends. It was basically me and the kids and we are very close to this day. My mother, otoh, could barely turn a screwdriver. I appreciate your high estimation of me, but for 45 years, since I was 20, I’ve known no other way. And I don’t think hubby ever has either. He just never knew what it was to be a husband, pretty much coasted along throughout our marriage holding to his own ideas of what being a husband meant. I’m far from perfect as well. But, somehow we managed raise two good kids and have been rewarded with three angel baby grandsons who are our hearts.

(4)

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I couldn't do it either I think. Regarding the toothache please take care of that. I have lived with a nightmare since July. An abscess which was not causing pain needed a root canal. That was done. No follow up with an antibiotic. The following week my face became terribly swollen. Then different antibiotics took the swelling down but the endodontist tried for a week to save the tooth. That was a terrible mistake because the infection spread. Long story a little shorter the infection fractured my jaw requiring a long incision below the jaw line with a plate and screws put in to replace dead bone in the jaw. I am on a PICC line for 6 weeks. My mouth droops in on one side. The doctor is hopeful the nerves will return but it's not definite. My life has changed greatly. Once the PICC line is out I hope to return to some more activity but I feel I will always have to explain what happened. I just have many sad days. Anyway I just am stating all this for you to not ignore a tooth issue even though I know you have so very much on your plate which you manage to handle so well.

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I am so sorry your tooth turned into a nightmare. How awful for you! If this pain continues, I’m definitely going to call the dentist.

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You are indeed a wonder woman..I wonder how you do it all! You are so dedicated to him and his needs that you seem to be neglecting yourself, I hope that you can take some time to care for you. I hope that you start to feel better too.

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Hi, Dolly. Thanks for your praise. I’m not a superhero. I was just raised (during the fifties and sixties) to believe that the man was the revered member of the family and should be treated as such. It’s been very hard, with the way things are now in the world, to shift gears. He’s not nasty or verbally abusive. He makes very little demands on me, actually. But he’s always been tops on his own list, so why should I expect things to change now? Stress has become a way of life for me, sadly. It’s been this way since 2013 when I had to place my mother, who was a little tyrant in her own right, and when my husband had a life-threatening heart infection. It’s gotten to the point that I wouldn’t know how to live without high- stress But we do what we have to do, don't we? Somehow we make it through.

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Joy, I think that what you know now is that you are not going to be able to manage this as well as you get older.

I hate to be Debby Downer, but it sounds like DH has regressed since coming home from rehab?

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i understand what you’re saying, Barb. I agree. I can no longer do the things I used to when he first decided to become bedridden. He has made progress after this most recent stint in rehab. The therapist is coming out this week to help him figure out how to get in and out of the car and I hope this isn’t a “pipe dream” and he will actually be able to accomplish it. He is very insistent about getting out of bed each day, But, there are, quite frankly, days I’m just not up to the transfers.

I know there will come a time when I can no longer care for him and so does he. There is no way he’d ever be able to live alone in this house. My kids wouldn’t be able to care for him, at least not in the style to which he is accustomed. I would never, ever expect them to take him into their homes.

We have been living one day at a time for a while now. I know where he will go when the time comes—where my mom was. Our wills and POAs are in order. We have no assets so there’s no issue with that. The biggest job of disposing of our household and house will fall to our son. I’m not ignoring the inevitable, really. But at this point, I just can’t let it overtake every second of every day.

Thanks friend. I know you say this to me because you care.

(13)

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Ahmijoy, I hope you are feeling much better soon.

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Joy,

I would be locked away in a mental institution somewhere. I would commit myself if someone else wouldn’t beat me to it. I just know I would go over the edge.

I hope you feel better very soon and you get a break. I suppose getting a break would be a miracle, huh?

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Get well soon hugs to you!

And GET SOME HELP IN! Isn't there anyone you call on, just for a day or two? Any help would be better than no help - they can stick on a wash load and bring pizza, surely.

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Joy, you get better soon now! I too think that you are a Superwoman! Have you researched the possibility of having a caregiver come in to help you with caring for your husband? Perhaps checking with your local Senior Assistance programs through your Area's Agency on Aging? I sure hope that there is help available for you both, as it sounds like you need it! That way you could get out and have a little time just for you. You take care now, ya here? ❤❤❤

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Oh, Joy. I am so sorry. Get well soon.

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You are a very strong woman Ahmijoy and your husband is very lucky to have you and your care.
I had to keep going too,no matter what,not just for Mother but also my animals who counted on me and I know it isn't easy.
My bones just started breaking on their own,without any falls or anything.First I was doing the dishes on Thanksgiving one year and my wrist just broke.Then one morning when I woke up & my foot was broken.Every movement was painful.My doctor put me on Prolia to help stop the bone breakage and thankfully that stopped it,but I certainly remember how much harder it made everything.
I sure hope you get to feeling much better and soon~

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That is awful to have your wrist break from doing the dishes! Geeeeez! I can’t imagine that.

I have steel rods in my arm but it was from an accident. But doing dishes? You must have been shocked. Were you washing extra heavy pots and pans?

Glad the meds stopped the breaking of your bones.

(4)

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It seems a lot of men of our generation feel entitled to service. Glad yours doesn’t make a lot of extra, unnecessary demands on you. Our culture needs to cease expecting women to subvert their own heeds, careers, and health, to be caregivers. Then to penalize women’s caregiving years taking them out of the workforce, lower earnings, then the Social Security benefits disparity, our society can’t continue using women in this way. Even loving caregiving wives, mothers, daughters have physical, mental, and financial needs. Too often we get virtually nothing more than an atta boy, and then pushed back to carry on. I don’t know what the answer is for many of us, but without us, the world ceases to turn, doesn’t it?
Please tend to that tooth, and rest and recover as much as you can.

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Yes strong we are. I am 72, had carotid artery surgery and 3 days later was up cooking my 96 year old mom her food. I am on week 6 and got bronchitis along the way, too. There is no rest

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Were you tested positive for flu? All of your symptoms could be related to the dental problem. Please see a dentist. You might need antibiotics!

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Here is a wake up for many to get a plan in place for emergencies like this - this energy expenditure not only prolongs this illness but could make it worse & then what?

It would be good for every caretaker to talk to a support person[s] for this type of situation - better to plan & not need it than to not plan & have panic added to an already bad situation - if you can't find a 'back up' person talk to whatever social services there just in case

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I sympathize with you. You need to have a plan in place for such emergencies. It is not good for you to have to take care of a patient when you yourself Are one. Maybe hire an outside caregiver for such times.

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Sometimer,

Excellent observance of insanity! Great point.

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Absolutely. When I was caregiver, I simply could not get sick because there was no one else to pick up the slack and I didn't want to expose my parent to it. Not a mind over matter thing, but I did like a turtle and pulled into my shell; isolated myself with chicken soup and sleep when I could. Most caregivers give up a social life and many give up careers to prioritize their loved one anyway. Probably why so many moms are the default caregivers. God bless you.

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You deserve to be canonized as a saint or committed for mental health evaluation. Just kidding, but it does bring up a sensitive and critical issue. You need a back-up caregiver when the primary caregiver is not feeling well, has an accident, needs surgery… Life happens to everybody and the "cared for one" still needs care even on days (weeks?) the usual plan of care falls apart. It could be family or friends. It could be a paid home health aide from an agency. Whomever and however you decide, please find back-up soon.

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I am so sorry for your plight and understand. My 89 year old mother had a stroke and has dementia. My 83 year old husband has Lewy Bodies dementia. Taking care of both (in separate households, yet) can be overwhelming.

YES, we need to give ourselves more credit for our strength. That is exactly what I have advised my own clients... it's just tougher to do when you look in the mirror.

Hang in there... sending you love and good energy. Sending energy to you 10/29 at 6:54 PM .

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No. No. No. You MUST get respite, else you DO drop over and faint. Then you'll be good to no one. Agencies like Visiting Nurse Association exist for that reason. Or a church body member who rallies and get a "meal train" going and a bunch of other things. While with the flu, you don't want to think of food, but eventually chicken soup would be good.

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When had the flu, I was barely able to take myself to the bathroom. I had symptoms for about 9 days (followed by two weeks of weakness) and I don't remember 4-5 of those days. At least, I don't remember reality. I do remember hallucinating.

Take your tooth pain seriously. Infections in the mouth can cause heart problems if they are not attended to.

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Your nickname here is so different! Is there a story behind it?

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Just trying to get info for respite care wore me out. I am 78 , husband is 92 & was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in Oct . 2006. My worst nightmare is him dying while I am sleeping. The next worst is me dying and leaving him alone . Prayer is my only comfort knowing I am not alone. hugs to all who (KOKO)keep on keeping on.

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"So, do you think maybe we caregivers need to give ourselves more credit for our strength?" Sure, but what does that get you, a pat on the back and/or an Atta Boy?

What you need to give yourself is okay to get help. If there isn't enough income to afford it, seek out alternatives (VA if hubby did service, some in-home care via Medicaid if he would qualify, friends, family, etc who could just come clean for you, do laundry and/or do some meals, just to give you a breather if nothing else pans out.)

As you and others have noted, if you go down, where does that leave him? Burning the candle at both ends may get you that Atta Boy award, but at what cost to you? It isn't worth playing superwoman all the time.

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Very true. But, please believe me when I say that I have not been sitting on my hands and feeling sorry for myself all these years and not seeking help. I have applied to dozens and dozens of agencies for aid and have been denied every single time. We are too “rich” for help and too poor to pay our bills. I don’t need the physical help of aides. We need financial assistance that we’ve never gotten from anywhere.

I have never consciously played “Superwoman”. I have always done what I needed to do for a man I love very much and will continue to do so for hopefully a long time.

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Joy,

More credit? Honey, you are a miracle worker! As I type the words ‘miracle worker’ I think of Annie Sullivan.

Indeed Annie Sullivan had her work cut out for her, but you just may top her efforts!

I read that book in sixth grade and I never forgot it. Required reading in our school.

Helen Keller went on to accomplish so much. Annie’s hard work truly paid off. The difference with hard work as a caregiver to seniors is that they will continually decline and the realization of that is truly heartbreaking, isn’t it?

I am in no way saying that there isn’t a purpose for our caregiving to an older adult. Of course, we want our elders to be as comfortable as they can possibly be. In circumstances where that is nearly impossible, then it becomes so hard, emotionally and physically.

Giant hugs for you.

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Amhijoy, "But we do what we have to do, don't we? Somehow we make it through." No sweetie, we don't have to do it. I'm from your generation, and I've been married to the same man for 60 years. He was much like your husband in what he expected from a wife. Well, thirty years ago, we traded positions: he took over the domestic stuff and I worked at home. Now we're both retired and share most of the chores, although he cooks, shops, does heavy cleaning because he's better at it. When one of us is sick, the other takes over the care.

What would happen if you just blew up and threw things at the wall (nothing messy since you'd have to clear up) and ranted and raved that you can't take it anymore! Threaten to take the animals and get out of Dodge! Then do it. You're not asking to switch roles. You just need some appreciation and gratitude for all you've done for all those years. That's not asking for much. Yet it would mean so much. Try it before one fateful day you find yourself taking a frying pan to the back of his head. Stress is a silent killer, and that can go either way.

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