Weight gain and caregiving. I could use some coping suggestions.

Oh Debby- I totally understand. Since my Dad passed, and now it's just my Mom, I have gained almost 30 pounds. UGH!!! I never had any weight issues before now. It has been tough, because I had turned to chocolate for my stress reliever. I have recently started paying more attention and cutting down on my chocolate. But it is tough. I have an exercise bike, that I try and turn to instead of chocolate. Lost 6 pounds. Some days I put about 20 miles on it. But, I wish we can start a caregivers accountability group. To encourage each other and help each other try and eat healthy and get some exercise. Maybe having to report to another would encourage us, so that we have good things to report.
I don't know, I haven't quite figured it out. I started working out and did it for almost 2 months straight and gained more weight was quite discouraging, so I haven't been working out. (sigh). I know also the lack of sleep stresses us out and that doesn't help us overcome this.
I hope someone will have some good suggestions for you, that might also help me. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this.
Will keep you in my prayers.

meshque - my thought exactly. I was thinking about starting a tread where people can come and pledge to do xyz for certain amount of days or times, short term goals, then report each day to encourage self and others to stick to their pledges.

I'm surprised that you are not as skiny as a stick. From the way you describe your various meals, I thought you would be.

I've been thinking about this, because it really strikes a nerve. The 24/7 caregiver's health is affected negatively in many ways in abusive situations as you describe. Interrupted sleep is abusive (not to mention the other abusive behaviors you are probably being subjected to). I know, I know...mom has dementia and her mind is broken, but regardless of the cause, the effect on YOU is tantamount to abuse.

Coping skills? How about us helping to figure out an alternative to this situation?

Where was your mother before she moved in with you? Do you have siblings? If so, where are they in this picture? It sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care than you can provide.

I had to stay with my mother for just over a week once a few years ago when she became nearly helpless with muscle pains in her back and shoulder. It was horrible. While she did sleep all night, the rest of the time she was whining and obsessively ordering me around, micromanaging and controlling every little thing. When my husband watched her while I went to Mass, I stopped and got a box of cookies and started furtively eating them from the stress.

Gaining 38 pounds in 5 months is almost 2 lbs/week, which is 7000 extra calories/week, which is 1000 extra calories/day. That's a lot of stress eating, because that's a lot (TOO MUCH) stress for you.

I say find a facility for your mother, and get your health back.

If you don't buy it you can't eat it
Stock up on lower calorie substitutes (like popcorn instead of chips)
Get some exercise,even if it is just a walk around the block, it lowers stress hormones and ups metabolism
Get some time for yourself as often as you can, schedule it in and make it a priority

I am sorry you have to deal with the lack of sleep, that does not help. My dad moved in 4 years ago, I added more weight on cooking for all with carbs, starch and all the not so good foods. So recently I went low carb low sugar. Dropped 13 so far in a month. It is not easy but I feel better. Cooking proteins and more veggies. He is not a fan but "hey, if you want to eat different there is the stove". Wife and I had spinach and grilled shrimp last night they way we ate prior to everyone moving in. I am trying to reduce the alcohol during the week I have used as a not good coping method. That should help remove some of the weight. Stress is a killer as we all use food or other things to help sooth they stress issues. Dad likes full fat full sugar etc. If we have a dessert left over from a party he finds it in a heart beat. He complains to family "they dont do dessert here". Yes you are right, you used to eat ice cream and pie and cake every night. I can't do that. He even fed his dog ice cream and chips at night. That is why the dog is still alive when he moved in with me and even he lost weight (the dog was even a diabetic). Dad now has foot pain and is very overweight has to use a cane all the time. He says he is not diabetic. They why does he have diabetic medication? Hmmmmm living in denial.
My own doc told me I was pre diabetic, if I lost weight and got my sugars under control he would remove the class from my chart. So I am doing that! I feel much better now, no headaches. 2 weeks to my next check up.
There are a lot of good channels on you tube for low carb low sugar cooking and eating. If everyone else in the house does not like the way I cook I have a solution.... move out!
If you can fnd a way to eat better, make it fun and a challenge to try new ways of cooking low carb low sugar you will feel much better.

Raising hand here.... I also added 30 pounds. Oh my gosh, I couldn't believe how quickly that weight climbed on. And i am not a big eater and was never one for snacks or deserts. It's more like stress weight because I could no longer go to the gym like I had been doing prior to start helping my parents. I had zero exercise.

Even after my parent's passed, i still don't exercise. I know walking is THE best thing, but I hate to walk alone.... [sigh].

Oh, I hear you. I had the same problem with my mom and my sleep deprivation. My go-to stress reliever was Ding Dongs. I'd eat 2-4 a day. I was fortunate that my local grocery store had a fabulous salad bar and I tried to eat a small veggie salad at least once a day for a meal.

One day, I bought a hot air popcorn popper. I'd eat at least one huge bowl a day, no butter, just plain, to help me with my enormous nervous energy. That took care of my craving for the Ding Dongs. Great fiber too. My dogs loved it too and we trained with the popcorn as a treat.

Since Mom passed last month and I'm back home, I'm doing much better. I still go to popcorn if I have the urge to chow down and want to avoid junk food. Since I switched to popcorn some months ago, I've probably lost 10-15 pounds. In fact, since I've been back a lot of people commented I look like I've returned from vacation--a real shock considering how bad off I was/still am from the terrible stress.

Polarbear- great idea let's do it.
I eat good just too much chocolate.

CTT, you must have been taking care of MY mom; a couple weekends to spell her caregiver and I thought I'd go crazy with the micromanaging and neediness..... told her the other day to quit micromanaging me; I have 6 cats, I can figure out how to clean the cat box.... quiet for awhile.

Hey guys, that low (practically "no") carb/sugar thing worked for me 2 years ago; lost 20 lbs in 2 1/2 months - now to get it up to do it again.... congrats MM and Tge!
FF, twice got walking partners advertising in the apt building, at church, etc. Worth trying.

mally1: " a couple weekends to spell her caregiver and I thought I'd go crazy with the micromanaging and neediness..... told her the other day to quit micromanaging me; I have 6 cats, I can figure out how to clean the cat box.... quiet for awhile."

There are "rules" for everything. Why does this woman have to tell me how to put things in her grocery cart? (Of course I am the one who takes them out!) She even lectures the cashier to put the cold items in her insulated reusable bag with the blue ice (these cashiers at this store know what to do already). And the insulated bag is unnecessary, as I bring her right home afterwards.

Lately she's been commenting on my driving, and that really gets me annoyed. She can't see well, can't hear, has no depth perception, and feels free to direct ME?

The good thing about the 8 days/nights caregiving stint I did for her a few years ago is that it showed me that I will NEVER do that again. If she injures herself like that again or if for any other reason needs someone with her, my three brothers can take turns or else she can hire caregivers.

Yup! I GET that..... My stint was 3 years, plus the aforementioned weekends....

I have the opposite problems: My husband is gaining weight and I am losing weight. When I worry or am stressed out, I lose my appetite. Maybe someone can tell me how to fight this problem.

I feel your pain. I’m finding myself in the same situation. I emotionally eat, I sit with my mum for long periods of time every day and I think I crave the sugar in the rubbish I eat as it gives me a little lift and it takes my mind off constantly repeating the same conversations. It’s bad enough hating the turn that my life has taken but I hate what I see in my mirror too. I don’t feel like I have the time or the energy to look after myself. People always say “make sure to look after yourself”, how am I supposed to do that when my life is consumed by caring for my mum? Shall I skip her meal and meds and pop off to an exercise class or maybe not worry about her medical appointments and go for a nice walk. It’s redicoulous and only people in the same situation can understand. My mum is the loveliest person I know and if she understood what is happening, she would be very upset about it but how do you leave a confused lady in her 80s to have some ‘me time’. The only thing I have drawn from my experience is to make sure I continually tell my children not to do the same for me. Don’t fix my heart if I have problems as I don’t want to survive in order to face dimentia or any other nasty illness and to make sure they sell my house and move me to a care home. I never want my children to miss out on life and feel trapped. As for the weight, my blood pressure has gone sky high 200/98 so I expect when I eventually get to see a doctor myself, I will get told I need to lose weight and look after myself. I also think that because my social life has been reduced so dramatically, I don’t get to dress up much and it’s not until I need to get ready for a special occasion that I realise how much more weight I’ve gained. I wish I had the answer.

I've actually lost weight since my Mom came to live with me - probably because I'm cooking more and more focused on nutrition because I'm cooking for Mom. Mom's weight has been stable since living with me, although she had lost quite a bit in the years just before coming to live with me.

Nevertheless, I am an emotional eater too and went up and down while helping Mom take care of Dad. I can limit the high calorie stuff but sometimes I just have to eat - so I focus on "less" calories. Fortunately I love salad. Instead of lettuce I use a combination of cabbages (red and white) and baby spinach with carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, celery, avocados, boiled eggs, cheddar cheese along with some cubed ham, chicken, or salmon to make a plate of chef salad. Topped with my favorite blue cheese dressing made from yogurt it takes a while to consume and gives lots of crunch. Sometimes I just eat a bag of baby carrots or stalk of celery with my blue cheese dip. Popcorn instead of chips. Cereal with milk or my favorite apples cold from the fridge.

We eat lower carbs because of diabetes in the family. When I plan a meal for the whole family I always prepare enough that someone could eat a good meal with only one or two carb servings. We start with salad, a meat dish without any significant carbs (usually roasted or baked, sometimes grilled or fried), one veggie carb, a bread, and the rest non-carb load veggies. When the main dish has a carb load (like spaghetti or stroganoff) I usually do not prepare a carb load veggie.

A walk around the house or up and down the road helps too. There might not be time for a true walk but when upset I have found that a quick 1-2 minute loop around the house can burn a lot of emotional energy and improve my attitude.

Sometimes I just have to carb binge with comfort food too. That doesn't seem to be a problem as long as I don't do it too often.

I started taking Ashwagandha back in March to deal with my stress and sleep deprivation and it has worked remarkably well. DH had been waking me every hour or so to help him void and then sometimes it was hard to get back to sleep - after the Ashwagandha I went back to sleep about 75% of the time and always awakened feeling rested. A lot of dreaming - all good - so Ashwaghanda must have put me into REM sleep all the time.

Although calmer, it really didn't do much for my increased appetite. I was a 24/7 caregiver until DH passed 3 weeks ago - and only now am I getting back into a normal eating pattern. FYI, I put on 45 pounds in the last 2 years and had become 99% housebound with DH. My main 'poison' was Ice Cream. I googled "why ice cream" and it came up with stress and fatigue. Duh! But at least it was a more-or-less normal reaction.

You can try reaching for an apple - they tend to be filling. Of course, at the time I was going through this, I never ever thought of fruit. I can tell you my body craved sugar and today it doesn't.

You can try to eliminate unhealthy snacks from your pantry - I had to keep foods that DH would eat and he wanted Ice Cream every day so I couldn't not have it in the house. Since it was here - I ate it too.

I have the opposite problem with weight. I am losing so much weight I am weak. I cannot survive anymore on my stipend of my own income and although "he" gets meals and a small allotment of food stamps (very small now) I am the only one who can go to the stores. It is a daily chore for me and I have to cancel most of my "positive" p/t work outside of home or other events I wish to go to for spiritual uplifting. Appointments are changed all the time at this stage of his cancer & diabetes. I think to myself, maybe this is close to his end, and I seem to always put him before myself. I found stopping at fast food chains was bloating me, so I just bring a PB & J on low calorie or gluten free bread or hard boiled eggs to keep my protein levels up and sustain myself. Yogurt has to be really understood before purchasing as it often is packed with calories for flavor or when adding sugary fruits.
As far as weight gain and not loss goes, I have had periods where stress resulted in weight gain during care giving for family. I was buying and cooking what they needed and forgetting about my own needs. (I started to let Mom order her favorites online and have them delivered in order to save time and avoid the calorie filled aisles in grocery store). Over a decade ago, or maybe even longer - I began to just eat the super foods (when they are affordable) and I passed this eating habit onto my young son. I noticed shopping only on the outside of the grocery store with the exception of a few condiments/pasta/spices helps me a great deal. Lots of great reading out there on how to substitute pumpkin for carrots, other fishes for salmon and buying frozen berries if cost is an issue.
Lastly, I don't buy snacks. I just don't! When my Mom was sick and gluten free I bought them for her, however I avoided buying anything for myself. Aloe Vera Juice coats my stomach and I use a recipe a friend gave me to juice with it along w/carrots, celery, ginger and cayenne (helps pain especially in mouth). I try my best to juice up for myself before I even prepare a Calorie loaded meal for my BF I am now caring for with Cancer.
Hope something I said helps you out. Remember one thing, a little extra weight is good to help you out in case you yourself catch something from Doctor's office or hospital and people who are a little heavier actually have less pain in joints and back. We all know how hard the work is, while care giving for a loved one who cannot do anything around the house. So the added weight might just be giving you relief from the types of aches I have from lifting and bending too much - sometimes it is a blessing. I often think of the line from a favorite movie where a young girl in Fashion Industry says " I am just one stomach virus away from my optimum weight". How silly to think one should sicken oneself in order to look good. I believe the world has changed and accepting my own wrinkles which came with weight loss, is likened to accepting the not having a perfect model type body due to nurturing and caring for another person who is at end stages of life. When they are gone, believe me, you drop weight very quickly. (from experience and not from a book somewhere)
Drink lots of water and remember to keep walking! Especially after you eat!!! Good luck

I go back to my Dash Diet Phase I (low carb for 2 weeks), and I always manage to drop at least 15 pounds. The unlimited diet jello surprisingly helps, lol. Phase II brings a few carbs slowly back in, and I can have my toast, a potato and some spaghetti once in awhile. It's doable and I do feel better. You can find it at the library, and I ended up buying it on abebooks very cheap. Sticking to a daily walk helps also. Walking is the only exercise I seem able to do consistently. I used to do it an hour a day, but I notice it never has resulted in more weight loss for me. So I try to do a half hour, rain or shine, great mentally and physically. Mom's been in the NH a year but I still eat too much. I look forward to a time when there'll be less stress in my life. I can dream, can't I??

YOU NEED TO GET HER TO A PSYCHIATRIST as soon as possible till then you can get a over the counter drug for her it will work & it is at walmart !!! it melatonin purple top in the vitamin area natrol makes it purple front on it this will calm your mom down it did for me ..she needs to get on medicine that will control her ..the melatonin you can get it has a fruit flavor to it so you can tell her it is like flintstone like vitamin so remember when she gets agatited & give her a pill a hour before she does that is sundown syndrome .. & also at night to .if a little pill makes this person sleepy than that should work ..ok good luck

I totally get it.

Be sure to visit:

www.oa.com

and for online meetings www.oa12step4coes.org

You need support!!! and inspiration and hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stress wreaks havoc on our metabolism. In my case, I found myself eating all the right things, but eating all the time! After doing some research, I realized the my body was becoming addicted to being in a constant state of digestion. Digestion is hard work for the body! We need periods when our body is not digesting, because then it has energy for repairs.

I am starting to overcome this constant eating, by snacking less, and when I do eat, I go heavy on fiber, which is more filling. For instance, breakfast consists of as much fruit (such as grapes) as I want and one ounce of raw nuts (such as almonds). Lunch consists of a bowl of beans, cooked veggies (such as broccoli), raw onions, and oil-free marinara sauce or salsa for flavor. Dinner is a sandwich of whole-grain bread with natural nut butter, romaine lettuce, and tomato. My desserts are either an apple with nut butter, or whole-grain bread (I prefer Ezekiel) with nut butter and raw honey.

You can try this regimen, or you may find another that works for you. The best to you and your daily challenges.

Just googled and read about Ashwagandha...... be sure to read about side effects. The people taking it.... just the first 6-7 reviews reported some very serious side effects they experienced including PVC's (skipped heart beats), suicidal thoughts, and blood clots.

You could ask your Mom's doc for something for sleep. You definitely need your sleep, too.

Wow! Looks like you struck a nerve. I was right there with you while caring for my Mom. Gaining 30+ lbs was shocking. I stopped running, ate nothing but sugar and processed everything -- no vegetables or fruit!! I felt so sick. I was severely depressed. Just nine months of 24/7 caregiving brought me to my knees despite my sister and brother chipping in! I have no idea how anyone alone survives this.

I had just put Mom to bed, and was searching YouTube. Looking for anything to help. I ran across a Paleo video. I decided to go sugar free. It was a drastic move, but it literally felt like my body was dying. Not only that, if I continued on this path I would no longer be able to help my siblings, let alone Mom. The moment I decided this, my brain pitched a fit and I started shoveling handfuls of Rasinets into my mouth. This wasn't done as a last hurrah. My brain screamed it could never survive without sugar. I was also a person who had never been successful with just diets. Well, my brain did survive. I stopped in November. Because of that, I was there to enjoy at least the last month of her life, which was amazing. She passed on 2 Feb. I am still sugar free, and eating good protein, nuts, vegetables and fruits. I don't count calories or watch portions. I never feel deprived. I am 30 lbs lighter even though I barely make time to exercise (not good). Sooo...if you're desperate like I was, a low Paleo diet (low because I don't restrict my fruit intake) would help. You may also want to look into benefits of Intermittent Fasting. Good YouTube videos. I just started. I'm doing 8/16 - 8 hours of eating and 12 hours of fasting, which I find very easy to do. More health benefits.

If nothing else, please watch The Magic Pill on NETFLIX or order it from Amazon. It will motivate you to change. It's why my sister and her husband also started their journey three months ago. I'm not saying the first month will be easy, but this is a very easy and sustainable way to -- I was going to say eat, but "live" is more appropriate.

Before you help her in the a.m., take a 20 minute walk ...you can leave her in bed until you return...she’s not going to run away anywhere...then you have good healthy breakfast....then you start on her...take care of yourself first...let us know how this goes...hugs 🤗♥️To you

My mother is bipolar and can be quite combative causing rapid heart race. I asked her regular Dr. and her cardio what can I give her. Melatomin is good but ask first in lieu of any other meds / health issues. Good luck

Weight gain can also be a sign of depression. (realized or not) have you talked to your doctor?
Have you talked to your Mother's doctor about medication that will help her anxiety?

Can your Mom get out for a walk? If so might be a great time for both of you to get in some mild exercise. Will be good for her and an evening walk may help her sleep better. (Don't do this if she is a fall risk or you are in an area where solid footing is not possible)
You need a break, can you get a caregiver in a few hours a few days a week? If so get to the park and walk, a gym if there is one near by.
Healthy snacks should be standard, keep that pint of ice cream for a REALLY bad day! (trust me I had a pint in the freezer most of the time and often held off eating it because I figured things could get worse and then I would really need it and I wouldn't have it!) Ice cream...my drug of choice!
Other snack items I had I would portion into those small bags and limit myself to one..or two :)

If this really is more than you can do look into finding a Memory Care facility. This is NOT giving up, it is NOT "putting her away", it is NOT going against any promise you made. The person that you wanted to keep home, keep with you is no longer the person that is living in your house. A Memory Care facility as staff that can care for her, they have staff that can care for her round the clock. NO ONE can do this 24/7 by themselves.
Your Mom will be engaged as best as she can be when you are not there, you can still take her out, you can enjoy your visits and be a daughter not a caregiver.

I can relate. It's so hard! But I think the key is to get out and do things. Any dogs to walk? Yours or theirs? Nighttime is the toughest time for finding comfort in food (for me anyway), I've been taking my dogs for late night off-leash walks.
If not, you need to find activities to occupy your mind. Sounds silly,but rock painting is another outlet for me. You can paint rocks and hide them around your town and follow their progress on social media. I'm really enjoying this.
Basically, find outlets, hobbies, distractions... the more involved the distraction, the less you'll think about eating and it reduces stress. 💕

Melatonin works for many, but others it doesn't. I have a good friend who said it caused her nightmares. Just know that anything you try will be trial and error. The suggestion to take your Mom to a psychiatrist is a very good one. And if it is very hard to get her to go to a doctor, you could always go on the computer and use one of the on-line doctor sites. They have psychiatrists and therapists available also. www.amwell.com is one .... there is another..... www.doctorondemand.com. You definitely need your sleep!

I am quite overweight myself ... unfortunately it is totally my fault, and I am in the beginning stages of trying to motivate myself.... the best thing for me from the past that worked..... cutting out the nightly wine, and going back to a breakfast of eggs, sometime bacon/sausage, salads with dressing, (I don't like cooked vegetables, so I get them in the form of salads which I love), meat, and fruits in between meals - mostly apples, and at bedtime an apple. When I get serious, I cut out all carbohydrates and cheeses.

Oh, and I have accumulated a treadmill and a "rower" ($300 in Penneys).... which have been just another place to store things :), and this weekend clearing them off, and will begin using them. And I have signed up for a couple of "fun run/walks" and start my outdoor activity also. Now, keep in mind, I am doing the visualizing/self-motivating thing, and hopefully, will go through with all this. (p.s. earbuds/music for use when using the exercise machines). Maybe we can all help motivate one another. One of my rewards I think about is that I'd like to buy a dress to wear, when I feel I am looking better, about 50 pounds from now :)

And a dessert could be one of those very dark chocolate sugar-free puddings with a bit of whipped cream and walnuts on top... walnuts are a good source of serotonins.

Hi Deb! Let's start with screaming. My mom did do that when she was on Namenda generic. Every night I gave it, screaming. Switched to daytime and it worked about a year then she hallucinated. So I tapered her off completely. Her Dr is well in the loop. I give my mom melatonin to sleep. Works for her. You need to talk to the Dr frankly about sleep and make sure you get it. She may need a med change or sleep aid. Sleep helps weight loss. It's 530 am, I've ate a 1/4 cup Bob's red Mill museli ceral. Takes the edge off before mom gets up. Then I may eat a little with her like fruit or brown rice cake with peanut butter. Why? Because my mom has to go potty in the middle of every meal, making me binge after clean up. So portion control, on small plates for yourself (I do this separate from everyone else) or alone. And eat a small healthy item with your sick parent to encourage eating. Look, I encourage you to eat, but pick good food high in nutrients to power through this. Low fat string cheese, 2 tablespoon almonds, celery and carrots with hummus or geek yogurt dip. Common theme? All have protein. They cover your nerves so you stress less. I exercise at home with mini trampoline and kettle bells. I have gained 10 lbs in the 6 years I've cared for mom. Alot has to do with middle age metabolic rate. Shoot for 30 minutes of exercise a day. Don't be fancy or expensive. Get a app on your phone you like or YouTube and go for it! You'll come back down in weight soon. 😊 You are not alone!