My dad is getting more depressed because our 'mean' mom tells him things that he does not want to do or can do. He does not agree with her being so mean to his children. But he sits passively and feels he is to blame for her insensitivity towards the children. She doesn't filter what comes out of her mouth. She told him yesterday that she had had enough of him. He tried to tell her that she didn't need to get up in the night to care for him. Yet she does. Our poor dad is the one with the health issues of depression and weakness. He has hospice coming into their home. He is very likeable and loves people. My dad apologizes for my 'mean' mom. He has to 'sneak' to call us. Today he apologized for not letting his own daughter borrow the exercise bike for 3 weeks. He knows he can't use it. But our 'mean' mom will not let him borrow it to us. It just doesn't make any sense. Her daughter needs it to recuperate from knee surgery. Both of us do so much for her with meals and visits, but she is so unappreciative and mean to us. She gives him his meds and meals. She follows him around. She lays out his clothes. The following around by her drives my dad crazy. She would never go to a therapist. She has pulmonary fibrosis and refuses any oxygen treatment. She is hard to be with.
Now Mom has dementia and I'm her caregiver. I do protest when she does or says something mean. My position is that we can disagree without being disagreeable. And, no, it doesn't always do any good nor has she changed. It's more a matter of respecting myself.
What I’m leading up to is to raise the possibility that your father's needs might better be served if he lived somewhere else, perhaps with the help of hospice? But my guess is he won't separate from the meanie.
Perhaps the remedy here is for you to learn to separate your emotions from the situation as much as possible and let these people continue to lead their own lives. Based on your description of the relationship patterns and your mother's rigidity, it's doubtful either will change at this point.
Blessings to you to be strong enough to maintain your own mental health and avoid getting drawn into their drama.
I had 2 patients, a husband and wife. Married over 40 years. I worked with them in their home. He had HIS side of the house and she had HER side of the house and they rarely interacted and when they did the husband was a complete jerk to her. She would talk to me about it occasionally, tell me how unhappy she was with him and that she should have left him years ago but now she was stuck. And this guy was a jerk. Rarely have I ever met anyone as "mean" as this guy. He was just mean, period. Mean to me, mean to his wife, mean to people who called on the phone. He was almost impossible to deal with and because he was so awful I had to keep telling myself that he was a miserable old man who was stuck in his house. He would verbally attack his wife, scream at her, it was awful. Then he turned on me one day. His wife never stood up to him but I had no problem is saying to him, "Please stop screaming at me, it's very disrespectful and inappropriate". He kept screaming, spit flying out of his mouth because he was so enraged, and I called my agency and told them I was leaving. They supported me 100%. I wasn't stuck there in that house like he was and like his wife was. Maybe your dad feels stuck? And what's he supposed to do? He probably just wants to keep the peace.
Be supportive of your dad. Be there for him. Some say "It's never to late to change" but I disagree. Sometimes it is too late to change.
I felt that all I could do was to be there for him and when he did make a decision that was against her wishes, to be supportive. He changed his POA his last week to me for financial and healthcare and she was very angry, and still resents me for this. But it was his decision. She was wanting him to go to a nursing home and have extensive therapy to get him back to his prior level of function (which wasn't going to happen, he was dying of an asbestos-caused lung tumor), "because Medicare would pay for it." He just wanted to go home, and since he couldn't, I found him an Assisted Living placement for a day-to-day temporary placement. He only lived 3 days after discharge from the hospital.
You may not have Al-Anon, but if there can be someone that fulfills a counseling or pastoral role from hospice, someone who meets with him alone and without her being present, perhaps that could help your father find some serenity also.
My question to you is: has your mom always been 'mean' or is this a newer turn of events. As I read your description of her behavior, especially after directly or indirectly caring for 8 family members or friends with different types of dementia, it sounds to me as if your mom maybe in the early stages of some type of it.
Pulmonary fibrosis involves progressive scarring of the lungs which leads to more and more systemic hypoxia (lack of oxygen). Reduced oxygen can lead to the death of many brain cells. She's refusing to supplement with oxygen which has apparently been recommended, so this can only become progressively worse if that's the cause.
You don't give your moms age but I'm sure my zing she's not a candidate for a long transplant? Have you ever dealt with dementia patients? Stubbornly refusing to do things that are so very obvious to us along with general crankiness, crabbiness, controlling and/or argumentative behavior, what we might describe as 'mean' or 'set in her ways' indicate early signs of dementia to me.
I believe you need to get her a neuropsychiatric evaluation to determine if she has some level of impairment. If so, she should not be the one taking care of your dad,rather she should be getting some care of herself. ementia people cannot be easily reasoned with, another symptom, so all of your good logic you are attempting to use with her falls on deaf ears (such as your sister needing the exercycle for rehab).
Are you their health POA? Perhaps a succinct email to their doctor could set the wheels in motion to clarify the situation for you.
Your mom is doing quite a lot for your father. What is it YOU do, if anything?? Huh? She needs some help. Instead of being part of the problem... Be a part of the solution!
You posted the question, so you are somewhat aware, right? Do the right thing. Just do the right thing. May God also be your partner, director and friend regarding this matter. God bless!
In closing, let me just straight out ask YOU to verbalize support for your dad when mom starts in, sure, you're gonna get her wrath, but your self esteem will soar! Why? Because you have done something of moral fiber! You actually had a backbone! No whimp, here, right?
See the humor in things, learn to laugh at yourselves when arguing is present. Learn to 'do the right thing' and remember life IS the gift...make the best of it!
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