We put a chair lift in for her, a walk in tub and an adjustable bed. She has COPD & mild onset of dementia. I quit my job of 35 years to be with her all day long. She’s lived with us for about 3 weeks now and my husband and I have a very loving relationship with my Mom. A few times, first thing in the morning, she’ll say she wants to go back to her independent living facility. She says she doesn’t like it at our home and it breaks my heart, as we are trying to hard to make her comfortable and happy at our home. We had to make the change of her living arrangements as she needed help with medicine management and she was very lonely. I usually tell her change is difficult and she’ll get into a new routine and it will be easier. I offer to take her to visit her friends at her previous place and I try to do activities with her everyday. She seems so hot and cold. One day she’s happy and the next she’s sad. I realize I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s hard not to. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
It can also be difficult to understand the reality of a person with dementia's world. One minute they're lonely, the next minute they have lots of friends and are happy. My mom lived in independent living until her death at 97. In the last couple of years of her life, she stayed in her room much of the time and seemed happy without much contact with others. I brought in people to give her daily meds twice a day, as she couldn't remember to do that on her own. I tried to get her out to eat and shop every other week or so.
You've made a big commitment to your mom and I guess I wouldn't put too much stock in what she says about the living arrangement since she could (and probably will) change her mind an hour later. Just look at the balance of how she feels and how she is adjusting to her new living arrangement.
It’s probably best to just leave Mom on her own schedule. Give her time.
She no doubt misses her friends, folks she can talk with having a common generation.
She knew the routine and was happy with it. My Dad wasn't social, he was a book worm thus was happy staying in his room. He did keep his apartment door open so that other residents could yell "hi" to him or pop in to talk.
Didn't the facility have an optional "Med-tech"? Where one pays extra to have a Med-Tech bring Mom her pills either once a day or twice a day? My Dad had that, even though it was an extra $900 a month, we knew now he was getting his meds on time. Before he was ignoring the pill box.
Moving Mom would be like moving a teenager to a new city, out of the school and friends she liked. It will take a lot of time for her to adjust.
I agree with everyone else about the adjustment, but suggest that if she really wants to go back to IL, and you can afford it, perhaps it's something to be considered. Her last years and days should be as pleasant as possible, and finding someone to help with med administration should be fairly easy in an IL. It might be an additional charge per month.
I'm wondering though if the IL facility also has an AL section; perhaps she'd be as comfortable there, especially if the facilities are connected and she could still visit her friends.
Or, is it possible for her friends to visit, either by someone in their family or you bringing them for a visit, a reunion as it might be? If you could institute that on a regular basis, it might benefit both your mother and her friends.
You might also think of other small group activities in which she and her friends could engage. Are they readers? You could start a book club, alternating meetings at your house and at the IL.
She never engaged in any of the activities at her old place but had one friend she occasionally played cards with.
She clearly needed more help. She was to the point of either moving to assisted living ($9000/month) or moving in with me
After many discussions with my siblings, we made this decision to move her in with me.
I’m hoping and praying she gets used to a new routine here ....
I have concluded that nothing I can do will make my mother happy again. Nothing. She has a type of dementia where she still knows who we all are, but thinks she's going to cook dinner from the family in the microwave in her assisted living room. One day she's okay. The next day she's miserable and misses everybody from back home. I'm sure she does. She misses people both living and dead. Nothing my wife or I do is ever enough or makes her happy. If we take her out, she complains about how we don't pay her enough attention.
I won't tell you what to do. But I can only say in my case I will not move my mother, whom I love to the uttermost, into my home because she'll still be miserable and she'll just drive us insane too.
What's hard for me is still seeing/hearing my "old mom" interact normally with me and others and then switch to the dementia "world". It's so confusing to stay in that mindset of doing what is best for my mom and my own personal mental and physical health.
The FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) drives me nuts and messes with my decision making.