There's a lot of backstory I could get into, but I'm going to try and summarize this the best I can. A few months ago, before the whole corona thing popped up, we put my dad in a memory care facility, because it was clear to me and my family that he was barely able to take care of himself. He is in his 50's, but he got sick because of some medical issues in his brain involving tumors where he had no choice but to get surgery. The first surgery caused him to lose his voice almost completely. He had to move out of his house, and into ours. He slept in his RV that we let him keep in the front of the house, or in the backyard. I will also let it be known that my parents are divorced, so this was not an easy thing for my mom. But we love him and we knew this was best for him. When it finally came to his second surgery, he lost a lot of mobility and gained a lot of mental issues. It got bad REALLY fast. I almost wish he never got the surgeries in the first place. I love my dad so much and it really hurt to see him get so bad over time. There were a lot of hard conversations I had to get through. We all decided, including my Dad, to go to this memory care facility. He left without a fight and I haven't seen him since. But he's been texting my Mom daily, manipulating, lying, guilting, complaining, etc. He wants out of there so badly. I completely get it though. If I was in his situation, I wouldn't want anyone to be in charge of how I go out. But this was the only thing we could think of. None of my family can take care of him, and he cant take care of himself. He wants to leave the facility and take his RV somewhere away so he has control, but we believe that if he does, hes going to be in the hospital or worse. He thinks that everyone is out to get him in that facility. He thinks they're trying to kill him, torture him, starve him, etc. I don't know what to believe because we can't visit him right now. From what we understand, the place we put him in is a lovely home. None of us know what to do. My mom can barely handle this, and we don't know what the right/best thing to do, because we thought we already did it. I want him to find peace, and I want him to be as comfortable as possible. I see all of my friends and their dads having great relationships, their dad's not even being close to what my dads situation is right now. Please if anyone has advice of any sort or let me know that someone else has gone through all this before, help me. My dad has such a strong personality and these last couple years have been so hard on him and everyone else.
There are others in this forum who can speak directly to your question, but from what I’ve seen, there is an adjustment period even for those who move into excellent facilities. It’s a lot of changes, but people adapt and it gets easier. At least you recognize that your Dad cannot live on his own, and he needs more assistance than you and your Mom could give him. It takes bravery and honesty to admit that. Give him some time to adjust. I doubt the caregivers are trying to torture and kill him. They are probably overworked and stressed out because of Coronavirus. He’s probably missing the freedom he had living alone in his RV. That was a chapter in his life that has ended, though. Now, he is in a new chapter.
Can you talk with the social worker at the facility? They might encourage you to not contact him for a few weeks to let him adjust to his new environment, or they might ask that you draw him cards and send him voice messages to remind him that he’s loved.
Best wishes to you. xoxo
Find caregiver support groups for you and mom to attend. Then you will not feel so alone. Your Dad's behaviors are not at all unusual. Read around this site and you will see there are many stories of the manipulation and guilt that are delivered to loved ones by those placed in facilities.
You and mom just do your best to support and comfort each other.
Best wishes to all of you.💟
If there is a true emergency the facility will contact the emergency contact. So no need to worry about missing anything important.
Tell your mom that she does not have to be his scratching post, he is where he is safe and cared for. She can walk away from this with no guilt. They decided by divorce that they would not be this person to one another, his medical conditions don't change that. She is not responsible for him.
You will be able to see him when things calm down from the virus. So be patient and send him letters to let him know you are proud of him for being in a place that can meet his needs.