I graduated from college in 2007, and as soon as I was done, my great-grandmother was told that she must have full time care. They said either a nursing home, which she begged and pleaded against, or someone to be there all the time. I am single, no children and the only one in the family able to do this. Along with my degree in Behavioral Science I understood the care she needed. She passed away in April of 2011 and almost as soon as she passed my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia along with her severe diabetes. I live with my grandparents and have since I started college. So here I am almost forced to step into a role of caregiver again, since my grandfather is very abusive toward her. Mostly verbal and emotional, but here recently he has become physically abusive. I am a man, and I tell him to stop and when he starts cussing me, I always say, "that coming from a coward who hits his sick wife" which may not be the right thing to say. I am constantly threatened that I will be kicked out or that I am worthless etc. I asked repeatedly for them to make a phone call to an agency helping with my great-grandmother to set me up as caregiver and also receive some financial pay. I have done all this caregiving for free which totally ruined my social life, which is null and void. Now I seem stuck in this rut, having to take care of grandparents and being broke and now having a huge 5 year gap on my resume since college that has no proof of me being a caregiver except for my word. I am beginning to feel as if my life is being wasted. I haven't been on a date in what seems like forever, simply because I cannot afford it and women do not want a man without a "job". I am the only single person I know, the only single at church and I am beginning to feel both lonely and depressed. If I stop taking care of my grandparents, I will not only have the entire family mad at me (I am expected to do this) but I may also end up homeless. . . I really wish I knew what to do. I wish I could atleast have a little income but no clue where to get that, and all my grandparents SS goes toward bills and meds. Can anyone help?
After you get your grandparents squared away during the day, you can do some serious job hunting. Tell the family your plans. Give them notice that once you get a job you will need them to pick up the slack. If you will need to drop Granma off at someones house while you are gone to work, let them know that too.
Once you get a job, stay long enough to get some money ahead and then let the family know you are looking for an apartment and plan to move out and resume your life.
Sometimes we have to force the issue in order to get peoples attention. You are in control of your life. If there are no single women at your church, change churches!
Make a plan and stick to it.
It may be that your grandmother would be better off in a nursing home where you could visit her every day and give her the help she needs away from her abusive husband. Other people in the family may be encouraged to visit her more often too, if she were away from grandpa.
Whatever works best for your situation, do it. Do it in stages and let everyone in the family know what you are doing so they can step up.
If they get on the internet, Email them a link to this discussion.
It is time the burden of caring for your grandparents shifted.
By the way, you most certainly can use your experience in caregiving on your resume. You are essentially single handedly running a family care home with all that entails. Don't sell yourself short. You have learned a lot over the last few years that can translate into traits employers are looking for.
It sounds like you are a loving and responsible grandson. You cant' just walk away without feeling guilty. If you inform the family of your plan and stick to it, you can leave knowing you have done the best you can.
Good luck, and God Bless.
The Surprising Caregiver: Your Grandchild by by: Cynthia Ramnarace August 2011
and if there is not a group, maybe you can form one on the internet and meet others in the same boat.
Although they addressed youth younger than you, CNN did a story about this in May 2012 called
Help for a 'hidden population' of caregiving kids. By Danielle Berger, CNNupdated 6:11 PM EDT, Thu May 17, 2012 for these kids, There is an organization american association of caregiving youth http://www.aacy.org/
From:
The Surprising Caregiver: Your Grandchild by by: Cynthia Ramnarace August 2011
It says in part "Eight percent of all caregivers over the age of 18 are grandchildren, according to the report "Caregiving in the U.S. 2009," funded by the National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP and the MetLife Foundation. That means 5.3 million out of the nation's 65.7 million caregivers are grandchildren who care for their grandparents"
Also, re wasting your life and "being on schedule". There are plenty of young adults and older adults out there doing a lot less productive things with their lives then you have been doing. Plenty got married early, and got divorced early.Plenty can't find jobs in their chosen fields. so Don't become obsessed with past perceived lost time b/c it will keep you from moving forward. Everyone has their own schedule but you need to keep working toward your goal.
What are your dreams/goals for the future? Pursue them and risk failure, or continue as you are doing and live with regret. It's up to you; we elders have had our time and now it's your turn.
PS: you have a degree which is helpful, but if you think care-taking is difficult, the real world can be brutal. You make your own paradise or hell, where ever you choose to invest your energy.
1 Timothy 5:3-10
New International Version (NIV)
3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. 4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. 5 The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. 6 But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Give the people these instructions, so that no one may be open to blame. 8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
You are in quite a difficult situation. But I definitely saw a lot of great information here that can help. The biggest part is that you're going to have to be the instigator. Your family is quite fine with you taking care of your grandparents. They don't have to do a thing, so why not keep it status quo? I'm at that point myself where because I'm single and childless I should drop my entire life and take care of my parents. Whether or not I will/should is no one's business and no one should expect anything or guilt you into anything.
1) Your grandfather may be getting dementia himself or there could be a reaction to medications that's is making him more aggressive. It would be a good idea to have him checked by his doctor to see if there's a medical reason for his behavior. If not, then that will be something you will need to discuss in the big family meeting. He can not pose a threat to your grandmother, yourself or anyone taking care of her. He needs to either be civil or get out. No one wants authorities involved but if it's between your grandmother living peacefully and your grandfather being abusive, you have no option but to involve authorities. If you don't put a stop to it now then you, or whomever is taking care of her, could be charged for not preventing elder abuse. This needs to priority number one.
2) Make a plan for yourself. You first. If you don't have a plan they will only argue that you don't have anything else to do so you should be taking care of her/them. They're going to argue that they're too busy with "real" jobs, husbands/wives, children, etc. You have to ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you were the only responsibility you have, what do you want?
3) Find a church or reconnect with old friends. Find any place or group that are around your age and have working, single people to meet. Enjoy this time of your life. It goes so quickly. Don't regret not being part of it because you did something noble. You can still have a wonderful relationship with your grandmother but you don't have to be the only one to take care of her daily needs.
4) Look at options. Get some brochures for nursing homes. But most importantly, get prices. Once your family see how expensive they are and that they may need to supplement some of it, they may understand that they all may need to play a part of her care.
5) Once you feel like you have a plan, with maybe three options, schedule a family meeting. I strongly suggest it only be you and your grandparents children. No in-laws, cousins, good friends, etc. When it comes down to it, blood relatives are the ones that are responsible and anyone else will only serve to complicate matters. If you have too many in the meeting circle then the chances of agreeing to a plan becomes next to impossible.
6) When everyone decides on who will take responsibility for your grandmother and/or grandfather then they all need to agree, in no uncertain terms, that person will be in charge of all decisions, hold power of attorney, etc. Again, when there are too many cooks in the kitchen then the soup is ruined.
I hope this helps a little. Now is the time to step up and set the family on the right track to keep your grandmother well and safe.
AND---this is a time to exercise some leadership with your family. You actually have a multi stepped solution in front of you. Obviously you can't just abandon you GM, yet you must move forward.
It is time to have a Family Meeting with your family members. Present them with the situation, your research findings,and ask the question: who will step up to take care of what part of GM's care?
This meeting needs to be very carefully planned. If orchestrated and delivered well, your leadership can make a big positive difference for your family and for GM.
If you would like to talk about designing that family meeting, I invite you to call me.
Good luck,
Ask Coach Karen C
family meeting you have had enough!!
They share the duties and allow you back into a social life or they can step in total.
You can get a good live in job as a carer or not, you certainly have the experience but I would suggest you get a loan, get a plane, and work far away.
My dear, you are only young once and 5 years is enough to give no matter how you may feel indebted or emotionally torn. YES, YOU ARE WASTING GREAT YEARS, GO FIND YOUR LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.
You're a man and should be recognized, regarded, and respected as such. You worked hard and earned a college degree. You get to have a life. Your grandparents got live their lives, right? Even if they resent every decision they ever made, they still had the opportunity to live their lives as they saw fit. You have that same right.
Every now and again, I have to remind my father (for whom I'm providing a lot care) that we are navigating uncharted territories. He certainly never did the same for his father, so he doesn't understand what it feels like to push the Pause button on the Life player. I also remind him that 99% of everyone we know would simply have him put in the VA home for the aged and, outside of me, he MIGHT get a few visitors around Thanksgiving and his birthday.
But when he's reminded of what the alternative could be, he straightens right up and it lasts for a long time.
If you absolutely (ABSOLUTELY) have to, get your grandfather in the car (so that he HAS to hear you out) and explain in no uncertain terms that 1) because of you, he and his wife have things pretty good, 2) a RESPONSIBLE grandparent and parent would want, no, INSIST that his/her kin have every opportunity to pursue the very best life he can--your grandparents should want you out in the world, making a wonderful future for yourself, and finally 3) if he continues to be a pain in the a$$, one morning they'll wake up and notice you've simply gathered your things and moved on to live the life you deserve--explain that you're all smart people and only stupid people fight and get negative.
I think it is unfair for you to be "expected" to now care for your grandparents. just because you are single doesn't mean you should feel obligated. Other family members should share in the responsibility. Were you raised by your grandparents? Like several mentioned this can definitely help with your career but you should be getting some compensation. Are you appointed power of attorney at all? I would talk to Social Services and see what your options are and see if you can at least get paid for it. As for you abusive Grandfather he may be mentally enough to be in a home. You'll need to talk to SS about all that. And stay in fellowship with your church.
Soon after my mother passed my father needed to have a triple bypass. He was in bad shape and didn't want to be alone. Since his home is larger and his hobby is classic cars, needing a big garage, I sold my home and moved in with him. BIG mistake for me personally. My father was also abusive emotional and at times physically with my mother. I should have know better. After he recovered from his surgery and emotionally healed. He became beligerent and insulting, always in anger telling me to get out it's his house. I looked at houses and each time I did he would cry and say he didn't want me to move out. Like others, with family, I've become the main caregiver with no support or help. Guess what? They all let me do it and don't seem to feel they have any responsibility. I am divorced and retired. I have wonderful friends who invite me to functions. It's actually like a shot in the arm to be with them and just get silly and laugh. For you, so young, you need to be with UP type people. I bought a Life Line device for my father. When I'm out and he needs any kind of emergency help he just has to press a button. I always make sure he has food to eat and prepare something for him before I go out. If money is an issue then contact THE FAMILY and tell them to chip in on one plus the monthy fee. The one I bought cost $51.00 with a $15.00 monthy fee. When I told my brother about getting one all he said was "he won't use it" That's the support I got. My father has always been very controlling and will play games for attention. He will be fine poking around in the garage, polishing his cars until I tell him I'm going out. Then he will sit in his chair, head back, glasses off looking so forlorn and sad. Once I know I've done everything to make him comfortable I go and enjoy myself. It's not that I don't worry but I have to be true to myself. It's easy for others to tell you what you should do, but it's really up to us to act on it. Good Luck!
I'm not the best person for advice on meeting girls ... BUT if there's one thing I know is that women have a real soft spot for a guy who knows how to look beyond himself to help someone else (I know, its a generalization, but its true!).
There aren't a lot of rewards or commendations for the work you're doing. That has to come from inside you. You have to know that you're doing the best that you can in a situation that may require you to be the sole person doing the work. If you have any other family members that you feel should help, by all means, pile on the guilt. Don't take excuses of "kids" or "work" or anything else. If you have a responsibility, so do they. As a trade off, suggest that they pay off your student loans (if applicable) in exchange for their share of the work you're doing.
When it comes to getting help for the job you're doing, everything is fair. Good luck dude.
Since you have been out of school for a while, I would suggest registering for a couple of classes at a university. This will put you back into the professional flow of things. Perhaps you might even look at working for your graduate degree. And look for work in your field to pay your tuition and bills. If you are avoiding putting yourself out there, well, just feel the fear and do it anyway. As you are taking charge of your life, you may be surprised that others step up to take responsibility. Why it should be the responsibility of a great-grandson or a grandson to be a caregiver when he is in the most critical years of his life is beyond my comprehension.
So map out a course in your chosen field and build your own life. You can still help with your grandparents, but you don't have to donate your entire life to them.
BUT there are certain things you should be accomplishing in your twenties, and you are behind schedule. You can do them later, of course, but you can never really get back the years you are giving up now. You need to building a social network and be looking for a potential life partner (if you are so inclined). You need to be laying a foundation for your life work. You certainly need the experience of supportng yourself, and not being dependent on family for the roof over your head. (Yes, you are more than earning it ... but you are constantly being threatened that you will be kicked out. Not good. Not healthy.)
Your entire family expects you to do this. Well, why wouldn't they? It is certainly to their advantage to have the elders so neatly crossed off their lists of things to worry about. Has the entire family gotten together and pitched in to pay you for your services? Ha! I didn't think so. You are supposed to do this in exchange for room and board? What?!! So the family will be mad if they don't have someone to conveniently relieve them of any responsibility. Tough. You can survive the family being mad.
You were "almost forced to step into a role of caregiver again." Almost. But it was your choice to make. And it still is. I think it is time to make different choices.
Grandfather is abusive. It is not surprising the abuse is escalating. It is difficult to deal with someone who has dementia. Unfortunately the dementia is only going to get worse, and I suspect the abuse will, too. How old are your grandparents? How many more decades might they reasonably be expected to be around? Are you willing to give up that many years to babysitting GF to make sure he doesn't hurt GM? Maybe a better solution is to remove GM from the source of the abuse. Maybe a nice safe, clean, comfortable, caring Memory Care unit is just what she needs to live out the rest of her life in peace. I can't know that, of course, from the little you've supplied, but I think it is an option you need to explore.
Your grandparents can't afford the care they need. They certainly are NOT going to find someone else who will do what you do in exchange for room and board. So it is time for them to apply for financial aid -- probably in the form of Medicaid and Elderly Waiver. This can be a very difficult task and you could do them the very great service of helping them get this ball rolling.
Something has to give here. It really does. You need to get a job and make some friends and start your life as an independent adult. This isn't going to happen overnight, but I suggest you set a goal and a target date. Obviously you are not going to walk out on your grandparents without other good care in place. Start working tomorrow (or tonight, via internet searches) on a plan. You have a college degree. You know how to do research. Get going!
To try to get some time back to yourself to get your career and social life back on track, can you make that call to the social service agency that worked with your great great grandmother yourself to see if they can call your grandfather and offer their assistance again? Did you have a contact that visited (maybe a nurse, social worker etc) your greatgrandmother while you were caring for her who you could call and ask for help? And these nurses, social workers, doctors or anyone who observed your care of your family member could also be used as references for employment.
If you still live in the town of your college, do they have a placement service or resume writing assistance guidance service you can tell you how to translate those skills you have been using into the jargon of the employment world?
I'm sure there are young people out there like you in a very similar situation but caregiving is very isolating and it's hard to find them.
Until you can get some help, start thinking of your grandparents as your clients and don't take anything grandfather says personally. I know it is easier to say this than practice this in the moment. Use this situation to learn as much as you can so you can translate your knowledge into a job interview in a similar field or any field that uses comparable skills. If I was hiring someone, I would appreciate someone who had actual life and not just book learned experience, whether specific to the job at hand or not. And try to get away to do any job, whether paid or volunteer in your field so you can meet others and make contacts.
You deserve compensation and some respite..... others may have more information for you.... let us know how you are..... hugs across the miles to you....