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It was emotional to stop my DH from driving but I’m a confident it was the right thing to do. I know you’re struggling with the decision but imagine the turmoil of an accident that takes the life of an innocent person just to appease Dad’s feelings. I know these days are trying for all.
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Also, I can't imagine looking over and seeing your dad driving in the other lane. 😻. Gotta laugh at this stuff or we'll go insane!
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Nope.
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Hello. Take the car. My friend’s husband developed dementia. She hid the keys. Husband went to the dealer and got another one. Who knew he had that much capacity.
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You did the right thing now get them LYFT or UBER on their i phones ☎️
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Davenport Jun 2023
My 93 y/o mom had never used a cell phone in her life. A smart phone with the Uber app? Uh, no. I point this out because at this point, 2023, there are many elders that can't and don't/won't deal with those little things (my mom's arthritic fingers couldn't push even the simplified flip phone numbers.

So, the 'no longer driving' dilemma remains a HUGE issue for us caregivers with such elder parents.

My mom went into the urgent care center a few blocks from her house; the staff clearly saw that she shouldn't have been driving (she lived alone), and reported it to the DMV. The DMV peremptorily cancelled her license. Cool--that took the burden off of her children, who'd been fretting but not doing anything up to that point. My younger sister (not the regular caregiver) came in as the 'good cop' and agreed to help my mom petition to get it back. I was the live-in caregiver and have never forgiven her that stunt. Luckily, in the end, it was such a tedious process that my sister simply dropped it, and my mom eventually just stopped talking about it.

I don't have children, but if I did, I'd never be a jerk about stopping driving, as I know that it's one of the top problems adult children have with their aging parents.
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Refuse to give the keys back.Please, you know all of the whys.Offer to take them wherever they need to go.
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Davenport Jun 2023
Elmer1, you're right--except I disagree with the simplistic 'take them wherever they need to go'. That's just unrealistic. Adult children can't be on call like that (work, children, life), even if they do live relatively near.
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You need to take the car, not just the keys. The loss of their assets should not be the focus, the damage they could do to someone else's life should be. What I found is that having the car sitting there, as a reminder of what they cannot do anymore has no positive effects and lots of negative ones. Once the care became out of sight, it was also out of mind (although I will admit not as much as I would like it to be!). Do you expect their condition to improve? Do you expect your mom's abilities to get better? If not, get rid of the car. If you don't have the authority to sell it then at least move it so they don't see it constantly.
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Yes, hold your ground and don't give the keys back. It doesn't matter if they lose all of their assets or not, it will be the people who are killed and the families that are left with a loss that could have been prevented whose lives have been forever changed that is a greater tragedy.

You do need to figure a way for them to have the independence they desire. On the other hand, it might be time to consider moving them to a facility that can take care of them, yet allow their independence.

I think you dodged a huge bullet when you took the keys away from them. Congratulations and good job!
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S00lin Jun 2023
Protect the assets!People are greedy! They will take all of your assets and leave you with nothing! They don't care! While this has never happened to me I have seen it happened to others, it's ridiculous how people will equate money with "feeling better"--like the money will bring them comfort or their people back!Our society today is to obsessed with litigation and "getting even"!PROTECT YOUR ASSETS!Its not like you caused an accident on purpose!It will NOT bring their relative back!!!
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Unfortunately it sounds like mom is either not strong enough to stand up to dad or is under the misconception that dad is still ok to drive and is willing to act as his partner in crime and facilitate his access. Either way - that's a dangerous combination and I think you did the right thing.

That being said, as Fawnby said, if they were managing their day-to-day by driving themselves places - they will need to backfill that somehow- whether that is with grocery deliveries and scheduled rides (uber, senior rides, friends, church volunteers, you if you have time, etc) planned activities, etc or however that can be managed - OR if that means it is time to consider a move to an AL where they will have additional assistance.

What is the saying? The hard part is over, now the hard part begins...
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Oburgmom3 Jun 2023
you hit the nail on the head. My mom caves to my dad. It is hard to break a 62 year habit. My sister and I are trying to get them to try out AL but we are not getting anywhere. My dad feels he will die if he goes. They still have the old nursing home picture on their minds. Luckily I am close enough to drive for them and take them where they need to go.
thank you for your reply
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You are not wrong, and it may be time to get them more help.
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Oburgmom3 Jun 2023
Thank you
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Mom shouldn't be driving either, I'd say, so yes, you were right to take the keys. I'd also find a way to disable the car, because copies of keys are easy to get. (Pull the spark plug wires, for example. That isn't as easy to diagnose as disconnecting the battery.)

Do you have power of attorney for them? If so, I'd get the car off their property entirely -- out of sight, out of mind.

Don't cave on this. You'd hate for one of them to not only lose their assets but for one of them to kill someone or each other.
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Oburgmom3 Jun 2023
Thank you. Those are my feelings but sometimes you just need a bit of reinforcement for your decision. I do have POA so that will be my next move.
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