Reason? My parent lives with me and is semi dependent upon me. I am looking for a facility for her for about two months. I need time to heal physically, emotionally, (I need a break), and she needs care and a break from me, I'm sure. But I'm feeling really guilty about this option. I need some uninterrupted time to take care of me.....
Any thoughts?
My mother was in a Long-Term Nursing facility each time I needed major life-saving surgery; so, in that respect, I was fortunate. But I had put off the 2nd surgery for over a year because my mother was so demanding - a really stupid decision in retrospect.
Frankly, I you don't take care of yourself & allow yourself to heal properly, then you won't be able to take care of yourself, let alone your mom.
I ended up needing to go to a counselor after Mom died because I had tried to do everything by myself & I was only one person in a no-win situation.
I'm sure you love your mom but please don't do what I did to myself. Allow yourself to have a life not just an existence. We only live on this earth once.
We have plenty of family around yet there was no one available for overnight stays with my mom. There was plenty of name calling and backstabbing that I got to miss out on. I was in the hospital 3 weeks and about 8 weeks convalescent care. They managed somehow. They had to.
My first night home I was left alone with my mom and not only was I weak and in pain but I had not learned how to use the appliances I needed for my colostomy. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom with blowouts and such while mom was alone.
I had multiple surgeries following and it was the same every time. I told my mom: this is it. It’s just us and we have to deal with it. You may have to wait for me at times and the house is just going to be dirty but we will make it through.
Looking back, the hardest part for my mom was how badly she wanted to help ME but was unable to. For me it was standing by her frustrated because I couldn’t lift or support her and had to give her directions to help herself.
Go through with your current plans without guilt. You can be no help to her disabled and you need the time to heal well.
Good luck,
charlotte
Big smile for you!
The veteran is allowed 30 days per calendar year with no more than two weeks per stay.A two night trial and a TB test are the requirements.
As well some paperwork.
So why are you feeling guilty about taking care of your own health so you can heal and have less pain? More likely you feel guilty that the situation has changed so the living situation must change, for now. See this as temporary changes that don't "have to" be permanent. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to get your parent's care lined up, but also go ahead schedule your surgery. Delays on your part only allow your pain and your issues to get worse for you over time.
In actuality one is suffering from what is known as "False Guilt" as a result of something you have or might do, even though it is not wrong or unethical. False guilt functions as a substitute emotion as a result of habit. Trying to avoid making a decision or losing control of a situation.
Now, it is obvious that you both need a break, and there is nothing wrong with this, it is even healthy for the both of you. Take the time to heal both physically and mentally, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you are self imposing this on yourself.
I hope that everything goes well for you!
The flip-side is my own DH put off his prostate surgery for years while he was tending wife #1. Eventually, the caregivers needs must be attended to.
This is why so many caregivers pass before the patient. You have to take care of you. I don't really understand why you're feeling guilty but maybe I do a little.
Take care of you or you won't be around to continue taking care of your parent.
As was the case with my mother, I suggest she might like to be involved in inspecting appropriate places and let her choose from whichever options are available. That way she will feel as if she does have some control over the situation, rather than feeling like she was dumped as an expediency.
Depending on how fragile she is, she may find she really enjoys the company of people more of her age and interests while still having care available 24/7. She might also become a little spoilt by the staff and enjoy that too.
While you are in the recovery phase there is no reason why you could not visit her when you feel strong enough, or at the least, just phone her periodically to check on her welfare.
I hate being told there is no reason to feel guilty, but here am I going to do just that to you. Attending to important health issues is no reason to feel guilty, either for having to place your mother into Respite care or any other arrangements you might be able to make for that matter. If you are not well you will not be able to do justice to the care your mother will increasingly need in the future. Look after you first, so that you can then look after your mother.
#1: You need to put yourself first. On airplanes, if oxygen drops, you are instructed to hook up your own oxygen first and then your child's. That's because you won't be able to hook up your dependent's oxygen (look after your parent) if you are not alive (unwell).
#2: Don't feel guilty. You are a good person. You are doing your best. That's all any of us can do.
#3: You don't owe anyone, even your parent, your body and soul. You need to take care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself.
#4: The longer you put off the surgery, the more difficult the surgery will likely be and the longer the recovery time.
#4: Placement in a facility, even temporary, can be a good thing for everyone involved sometimes. It will make your parent appreciate you more. Try and pick a good facility like a retirement home. Arrange for someone to look in on your parent regularly during your recovery to make sure everything is okay. If you don't know anyone to do this, ask a volunteer agency to provide some volunteers to help check in on your parent.
Get the surgery done. Go forward guilt-free. I am sending you positive thoughts and support for a speedy recovery. ❤
Pay attention to the wise advice you’ve already heard about guilt. Guilt is simply not appropriate in this case.
I recently placed my 90 year old mother in respite care for 2 weeks following a fall. She fought tooth and nail against it but began to enjoy the bingo and craft activities after a few days. She’s made new friends (almost all of hers have died in the past years) and she enjoys visiting with her peers at mealtimes as well. She’s even found a pal who enjoys watching game shows with her. Honestly, I never thought she would adjust so well!
I hope your mom has a similar experience and that your surgery and recovery goes smoothly.
And while you are healing from your surgery, perhaps consider doing some deeper healing work around your guilt. You are meant to thrive and be happy in your life, regardless of what your day to day work appears to be. Offer yourself the care you offer your mom.. it will strengthen you and bring you peace.
best wishes
This place was not a corporately owned facility. It was owned by a group of investors. They will first pitch the long term sales pitch. So you can ask if this option is available if you want to try out a place first before permanent placement.
#2: Make sure it's a place where everybody seems happy (question the residents & the staff) and privately owned vs. corporate, if possible. The corporate owned places have the $$$$ only in mind, it seems to me, while the private places have the RESIDENT in mind.
#3: I say to do all of this homework up front because you'll likely want to KEEP her there after you're all recuperated. And she will likely want to stay for all the activities, meals and new friendships she'll make while staying there.
Guilt? Please reserve that for when you do something wrong. Nobody in their right mind 'wants' to have surgery........you have no other choice in the matter and are doing what's right for BOTH of you.
Good luck!
I think what you feel guilty about is the anticipatory relief generated by the upcoming respite. This would seem to indicate that you are burned out on caregiving and need to make other arrangements for your moms care.
Please don't feel guilty!!!!
Look for an assisted living place or nursing home who would give you this needed break if she has the money to pay for it.
By putting your mom in a facility while you tend to your own health, you aren’t doing anything wrong. You are doing everything right. You are making sure BOTH of you are receiving the care you need. So do not feel guilty.