Venting, advice or wisdom! I need it.

I may have some facts wrong here... apologies if so. Also for long post!

So OP & Dad moved into G'ma's house to care for her (love/obligation/expectation).

Dad meant well but goes to work, so moves bulk of 'care' onto OP (student hours/home more?)

OP meant well. Help Dad & help G'ma. But maybe caregiving is more than she can/want to do? Role has MISSION CREEP. Taken for granted? Expectations she can/will do it all?

G'ma considers herself independant: causing resentment of help/? denial she needs help/lack of insight into aging -? possible dementia.

Questions: if OP lived elsewhere, how much caregiving would she want to do? One day a week? A few afternoons? How does that compare to current expectations? What if she moved out? Is G'ma competend to choose how to get more care when she needs it? Consider AL? Hire aides? If not competent, what are Dad's longer terms plans for G'ma?

Time for a good sit down honest chat with Dad about the whole situation. Not just 'keeping G'ma happy'. Whether it's dementia or not, her needs will increase & her needs cannot be met by one G'daughter without the sacrifice of her studies, future plans & income.

I am so sorry that your grandmother's mind seems to be more confused at she's aging. Will pray for the dear lady.💖💖💖💖

Patronizing and condescending are two words that popped into my head when you describe your little sit down talks with grandma. Her brain is broken but she is not stupid and she is obviously quite functional.

You are in a difficult situation because she doesn't understand your generation and it's socially acceptable behavior anymore then you understand why she seems so ungrateful when you and dad are doing everything you think you should. I think that you have received some really good advice about calendars that have a schedule of activities so she can see what you guys are up to.

You will never have privacy living with family, I don't know anyone that has been on their own and moved in with family that doesn't feel like they have no privacy, it is what it is. When you live with other human beings there are certain things that you just don't have, no running around in your birthday suit, no drinking right out of the OJ container, having to account for your whereabouts. You will have to come to terms with that or move out.

I read where your dad kinda set you up by putting your name on the house and now you are financially obligated. Only if you want to be.

So I can see why you are frustrated, but I can't understand saying you can't wait for her to die so you can get on with your life. You can get on with your life now, pack up, sign a quick claim deed getting your name off the house and get on with living your life. Stop wishing death on your grandma, stop making excuses about not leaving your dad and go live. You are young and have lots of choices, your grandmother doesn't.

You obviously have some serious anger issues that need to be addressed and being subjected to someone that pushes your buttons everyday is not healthy for you, not to mention that you have a death wish towards an old woman that has mental decline and probably can't help herself.

If you are going to stay in the same house, you and your dad need to get educated on how to deal with someone that has dementia. Because everything you are doing is exactly what you don't do with someone that has a broken brain, she can't help it, you can.

You got short tempered and defensive when countrymouse stuck up for grandma, you yelled that you moved into your dad's house, well it has been your grandma's HOME for longer than it has been your dads house, she has rights because she had equity in it with her husband, so please try to see how hard this is for everyone and realize that your family has short fuses, it's what it is, not right or wrong. You knew that saying that you couldn't wait for her death would cause upset, so don't get defensive when people call you on it, it is reprehensible after all.

I am so sorry for the stress and tension you and your father are dealing with as you navigate this new chapter in all your lives.
A suggestion was made that you and your father get face to face support... either one on one or in a group for caregivers.
This process of living with your grandmother, who certainly seems to be challenging, whether a result of cognitive changes, or just her prickly personality, is one that demands guidance and support so that you can set boundaries that are for everyone's benefit...
No, grandma probably wont' like them and will give you a hard time, but she's doing that anyway, so at least now it can be for a reason that ultimately will be for the greater good.
I agree that attending some of her medical appointments with her (you or your father) would be beneficial as you'll hear information straight from the dr. and not from your grandmother's interpretation or memory.
Validating your grandmother's concerns and feelings may feel frustrating when she doesn't receive your messages with compassion, but sometimes that's all you can do... Validate how very frustrating and upsetting her life feels right now, that aging is challenging and that you understand her anger and frustration...
We all want to feel heard and validated, especially when life happens and we have zero control over the changes that occur... all the things that get taken from us... (our good health, our physical abilities, our memory, our reflexes, our independence, etc. )
You and your father are doing a great job holding everything together, and you all need support to manage this process whether your grandmother continues to live at home, moves to AL, lives a long time with her current abilities or deteriorates... Please reach out for support... Other family members, friends, community resources, Aging life care specialists (formerly Geriatric Care managers), Senior Centers which may offer both programs and professional counseling services, Therapists who specialize in working with caregivers, Local YMCA's, Jewish Family Services (they are non sectarian, and serve all)
I hope this gives you a place to start...
Take care of yourself... and I hope your father takes care of himself... and we breathe...

You Have my empathy. My father is 96 and has dementia with OCD. He loves to give orders and has 2001 things for me to do all at once. Here's how I deal with it: Barring emergencies, We keep this that he agrees and then I tried pop in order of priority: One list is for me, "Private Benjamin". One us for a handyman or service. And we create shopping lists. We agreed on these priorities: Health, Finances & Wishlist. If I get sick or something else comes up, Then obviously the lists get delayed. The typewritten list are posted and when they are done my dad scratchiest them off and writes in his hand writing done or you could have your mother put her initials. This gives them a visual reminder and makes them feel that things are getting done. If he starts to nag me about something I pick up the list and we go over it and I ask him if he wants me to forget the priorities which he doesn't, And then the subject is resolved. If his tablet goes down or his TV, That takes Precedence, understandably. Hope you find this Helpful. Visual reminders are very helpful to people with dementia.

After reading other comments I have to add, that it seems to me that however someone's personality is in thier younger years seems to come out even more with age. Older people really do want attention, to feel needed and loved. I bring my mom fresh flowers on regular basis and it seems to cheer her up and lets her know i was thinking of her. Keeping a schedule and family routine can really help. Its important for everyone to know their role in the household and when boundaries are crossed is when things get complicated. Never an easy ordeal but making sure she gets an adequate diagnosis could save a lot of strife later.

Wow. I can relate to the wanting your own life back. Hi-jacked for unknown amount of time. Wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn't. Im also a college student. 4 classes til i finish with associates in office admin and the last 2 semesters which includes this one, has been horrible due to caregiver stress. Just keeping up with classes and homework is huge stressor and then u throw in someone who basically needs or wants full attention, nightmare. I sympathize, i really do. But, in your situation she is still driving? Maintaining her own personal needs? Thats a blessing now but gradually you all will be tasked with her FULL care. Im a little confused from post. So was she diagnosed with dementia or not? Guessing not bc they would take her keys first thing. It may be a early onset and not severe enough yet to cause real issues. If she does have it, rest assured you and dad will most likely place her in MC. For her safety and your sanity. Im currently suffering from burnout and its not easy. Keep us updated and know we Get it. Understand 100%.

"Dementia" is such an unfortunate word. I'm just old enough to remember when "demented" meant "crazy," period. This was during an era where individuals with *any* mental health issues were deemed to be evil or, at best, less-than. "Treatment" was notoriously barbaric.

Anyway ... I had a similar living situation when I was young. Started working, then (with much trepidation) I moved out. Whenever I went back to visit, I'd tell the whole family how great it was to have my own small place.

My grandmother and my uncle (who was clearly on the spectrum but undiagnosed), started getting restless themselves. Eventually - with my mother's gentle encouragement - both of *them* moved out, separately. My mother and 2 younger sisters then - finally - had the house to themselves.

Can't brag, though. Frankly, I did not even know I was planting seeds, until they sprouted!

You must face the fact that her behavior and what she says and does will get worse. It is the aging process and dementia. Nothing you do or say is going to make it stop. Why are you putting up with this? It is obviously having a very negative impact on your life and I wonder - what makes you think you deserve that? There is no reason to put up with it and you can't make it stop. So you have to realize she must be placed somewhere where she does not have such a terrible impact on your life which you deserve to live. It will be hard but you have no choice if you want any peace. Or, if she can afford it, get a caretaker to tend to her and you stay out of the picture.

Complaining about her clinging to independence is like complaining about her clinging to life!

All of you may have gotten into a rut of arguing being a way of life. Try some different tactics. Maybe a huge calendar so she could see Dad has dr appt on Friday, you are going to a study group from 7-9 on Thursday. Cook more meals at home and get her involved with whatever item she can make. If you're going to get a fast food meal, ask her to ride with you to get out of the house. One afternoon when all three of you are home, take just 1 hour to drive through her old neighborhood or to drive by something that meant a happier time in her life. Pick up some burgers and head home.

It's very, very hard but reply to her comments quietly and calmly. The 'nobody loves me' thing can be responded to with 'of course we do - do you love us?' Even if she says no, keep your cool and give her 'Well, that makes me sad'. An inappropriate comment about someone can be handled with 'it makes me sad when you talk mean about someone'. -- But listen carefully to things that you and your dad say. Do either of you talk about others in front of her?

It takes a little while to break a cycle of being mad (at whatever) and talking mean. You may never fix it 100%, but maybe you can mellow it out a little.

Grandma lived in the house with Grandpa.

After Grandpa sadly died, ?just over 15 years ago, Dad with then very young OP moved in so that the house did not have to be sold (presumably Grandma was not left with sufficient income to keep up payments, maintenance and expenses).

OP has since pursued a five-year service career, and is now engaged in a full-time college course.

Just clarifying that bit.

It is unfortunate that she won't accept changing doctors. Clearly the one she has is out of tune with reality (if neither of you can be with her at exam, she may be relating her "view", but if she knows you mentioned dementia to him, aka told her everything, then that doc is an idiot!) Many people in the earlier stages of dementia can do what is called "show-timing", where they can muster up enough chutzpah to seem "normal" long enough to fool doctors and others who don't see them often. This will be a tough one, but perhaps dad (and you) can make him/her see the light. If not, understanding dementia itself and how to deal with/manage it is key to keeping your sanity!

Although mom's doc at the time DID understand and DID agree to write a letter stating what her condition was (needed for becoming rep payee for her pension), the staff never followed through. SIX months of back and forth and never got the letter, despite his promise and having both DPOA and MPOA. Staff was useless (most of the time you could not even get through to a live person on the phone! Most of my communication had to go through her medical portal.)

If possible, ask doc if dad and you can have a chat with doc, without grandma being there, to discuss your concerns. Try to focus on dementia related symptoms you observe (attitude changes, forgetfulness, etc.) Compare that to how she was prior to this. If not, not a big deal really, because there really isn't anything docs can do - however it would be nice to have the diagnosis, in the event it is ever needed (for placement and/or any meds that can "help" with her moods/attitude.) It would be nice to have your suspicions confirmed, but researching/learning about dementia can provide a lot more help to you than getting a DX from a doc.

Avoid the dementia word and just agree or take "blame" for anything she says that isn't really true (not being told, etc.) You cannot argue with dementia. You can't fix dementia. You can't reason with dementia. You just have to go along with her perception of reality. Oh, we forgot to tell you and then tell her again as if it is the first time, even if it happens multiple days in a row (or multiple times a day - yes, it gets tedious, but it is easier to repeat something than it is to try to explain or tell her SHE has the issue!) Learn to "bite your tongue" (again, it is hard, but necessary) when she berates you or dad - walk away, go out, remove yourself from the situation.

You should really be focusing on your studies. Do you have to be there all the time? If she is self-caring, can you study/do homework in your room with door closed or perhaps at school or library, away from her? She really is dad's responsibility. She still seems somewhat "independent", so it is safe to leave her at home alone (or allow driving?) If so, having your own time/space away from her will help YOU. Try not to spend a lot of time with her, so she isn't frustrating you. Along with not arguing or trying to reason with her, find subtle ways to change the subject/refocus her on something else, hopefully something that she does still enjoy.

If she sees you both discussing something, include her but change the subject to something she might relate to. It would be better not to be seen "discussing" things in secret, so keep those discussions for times when she isn't around and then keep conversations benign and loud enough so she knows what you are talking about (not her!)

Do you or your dad take grandma out to dinner, shop, or spend some time away from the house with her occasionally? Maybe it's trite, but it may help change her attitude - and yours - if you took her out for some entertainment.  If you're out and about with her, the conversation might be a bit different, and if she remembers it, her attitude might change!!  Also, she needs to be told something multiple times in order to remember.  Just with regular folks, we need to be told the same information 3 times in order for us to retain it!

You would not be so upset were you to be looking at say a diagnosis of cancer and the changes that naturally occur with a person undergoing treatment and care. I think the mistake is to think that she is in control of any of this. Some people, with aging process become more what they always were (ie even nicer or even more mean) and some become something they never were (nice now, or mean now). This isn't in her control. She cannot control it. And your trying to understand it or hope it will change is causing you more pain than the reality of her condition. She is telling you her truth as she sees it. She isn't seeing well at present. So you are handling it well. I think that the changes we see in our loved ones, the loss of relationship that we once had, is perhaps the single worst thing in all of this. Things that happen are things we can one at a time handle more or less well, but changes in personality are so hard to see, and there simply IS no dealing with them.

I will bet my eye teeth she has dementia - she has become ego-centric, moodiness & unreasonable behavior are all signs

Don't try to argue with her - about testing you have rephrase this as a small regular test so that she can continue to drive [which is on the table now too] as she is 82 .... 'because we want you to continue with your outings'

Look up therapeutic lying on this site as you may need to learn the art - always stay as close to the truth as possible so there is less for you to remember - I did this with my mom ... so if she asked how much money she had I always used an amount that wasn't 'even' like $186,800.00 which sounds more accurate that $185,000.00 because you never know when they will twig onto something

In reference to and to embellish on Countrymouse's comments, you need to remember the generation from which your grandmother came. That generation was hard-working and did not ask for assistance. They were self-reliant, independent providers. Until she is in an absolute non-sustaining independence, stop 'killing her with kindness'. If she feels she no longer has a purpose she will have no will ie you are doing more harm than good by smothering her with your best intentions.

I realize this sounds harsh, but I have an very alert 89 year-old mother who gave me a dose of reality by explaining that I needed to let her live until she dies. WOW! LIVE until we die. Isn't that what we all want?

Dementia can cause behavioral disturbances. Just take her in and have her see a brain health or geriatric specialist to get tested. Hopefully someone has POA ? If she can’t really handle finances though should she be driving?
Dementia causes agitation and anxiety which causes frustration due to “ losing control” . It gets to a point you have to just do it because they don’t have the basic judgement . If they were independent it’s going to be a war every time. This is where my mother is. She was already a narcissist so now add in the dementia and🙄. Yesterday it was 1/2 an hour of complaining on the way to the dr. I think I’m “a big shot “ so I make medical decisions she wants to make all the while telling the dr she has never fallen ( fell and broke her hip 5 months ago) is 5’7”( was 5’5” her entire adult life 5’4” now ) and she works full time and lives alone with her cat( retired almost 30 yrs ago and lives in an assisted living facility with her cat) . Sometimes you have to just take it with a grain of salt, change the subject and try to see the humorous side of it.

You need to move out -sooner rather than later. Your dad has thrown you under the bus in this matter. If you move out, he will be forced to do something about grandma. Right now, why should he? There's no way I would put this kind of responsibility on my daughter in college. Why is he?
And after grandma leaves, will you then be responsible for caring for him? You need to get out and get your name off the house. Have dad get a new mortgage or, if he is unwilling, force the sale of it. Then everybody can find a new place to live.
I don't know why your dad took over his parents home - my brother did the same thing and it wasn't good. Those funds weren't available for mom's use when she needed them AND he kicked her out. A $100,000 house just given away. Perhaps your dad moved in and took over grandma's the same way? I don't know.
It's apparent grandma doesn't want y'all there, so you need to move out. Let the chips fall where they may.

gracegrace, I’m only scanning the thread but do have two suggestions: 1) please consider counseling and/or support group, this site is terrific but the in-person would probably do you wonders; 2) why not rent your own place anyway, you can come and go as frequently as appropriate and I’m sure your dad would understand.

I have a mom as complicated and difficult as this, and my only answer is to get, get, get people in any way I can so she has to at least lean on and put up with other people as well as me. I can’t be the target all the time, it’s toxic.

You say you’re dad owns the house so that means he has a mortgage and clear title on it? You said your name is on the mortgage too?? Is this the actual facts? If you ever move out on your own he will need to refinance and get your name off of it. Do not sign a quit claim deed.
I don’t know how he feels about having his mom move to AL, but in my opinion that is what should happen. It lets her be independent, she can still drive, but doesn’t have to cook or clean. she can be involved in social activities. Also, the ALF will insist that she has a test for her cognitive level before admission. Will she kick and scream about it? Probably as it sounds like nothing makes her happy. It’s not her house anymore if you all hold the mortgage. Where does your dad stand on all this? Is he willing to let things go on as they are? Or has he considered her getting care in AL?

Just a dam' minute.

Is anyone looking at this from grandma's point of view?

This is her house. Her son moves in. Then his daughter moves in. I don't, myself, doubt that the son and the OP believe they're being helpful and respectful and tactful, but to grandma all these hints and suggestions must feel a lot like gaslighting. I'm not surprised the woman's getting paranoid. Thinks you're talking about her behind her back - oh, wait, you are! Next she'll be imagining that you want to put her away in a home, or can't wait for her to die. So that you can move the heck on with your life.

Gracex3, I think you should talk to your father about *what* is going on with the finances, the property, and the plans for your grandmother's future care. I can't imagine - in fact I think you say this - that you want to be there much longer. So what *about* the household income, your name on the title, how your grandmother's care is going to continue in future? And what's more, he needs to talk to *her* about it. Not in a "mustn't upset mother" way, but in a dollars and cents way.

You are going to be trapped in the worst possible position, where you have responsibility but no authority, and where the person who does have authority - your father - is sticking his head in the sand and hoping to muddle through by dumping half of the problem on you. And YOU will be made to feel guilty if you leave him to it. Oh, wait (again) - you already do.

You are a full-time student with a service record. When you complete your course, you will be in a great position to move out and get on with your life. That is what you should be planning to do. How your father then handles his mother's care is for him and her to sort out.

As for your concern about her dementia. You have described how angry and defensive she gets when it's suggested; and you've described how you've reassured her that there are new medical advancements - there are? Do tell - but what you haven't done is describe anything that suggests that she has dementia. The conflicts that arise are just as easily explained by the stress of intergenerational living. For example, you say:

"she insists that she isn’t told the “happenings” of our lives but, she is told what she needs to know"

Well, perhaps she disagrees with your view of what she needs to know. Perhaps she likes to be kept more generally informed about what's going on in her house, and the comings and goings of the people who live there. Or perhaps she's losing her marbles, poor old dear.

Don't misunderstand me. I realise you can't describe her medical history if she won't share it with you; and for all I know she may be showing symptoms of dementia every minute of the day. All I'm saying is that you haven't told us anything that makes me think so.

I know that you are going to think I am unkind, harsh and failing to understand how stressful this is. Actually, I do wholly sympathise, but not only with you. The situation is incredibly difficult for all of you - but she's old, and she's got fibromyalgia, and she's not looking forward to a new career and a new home.

Talk to your father. He needs to do better.

It also occurs to me that just as it seems he doesn't like to tell his mother things that might upset her, he might not like to tell you things that you might not like. The conversation you need to have is about practical facts and figures, and not whose fault anything is.

I'm assuming your grandmother's behaviors are recent. They are signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. The most important thing is to get her to her doctor any way you can manage it. Offer to go with her to help her remember everything the doctor says. It's a scary thing and she thinks of it as her being crazy when you mention testing. I would suggest you not tell her why she is going to the doctor, just that the doctor has ordered a routine checkup where you give a heads-up to the doctor. Unless she allows it, the doctor can't tell you anything, but maybe she will be aware enough at this beginning stage to let you in on what is going on and her doctor may suggest she see a specialist. The suggestions that your dad have POA is important because she is going to need help with finances and health issues.

It is very difficult to listen to her accusations when you are trying your best to help her. The first thing is to try to not argue with her. It is so hard to not stand up for yourself and to just go along with untruths. "I'm sorry you think that" is a good phrase to use that doesn't really mean you agree. Walk away from her when you feel you can't deal with what she says. Try writing down important information on a dry erase board (say it's for all three of you) so she can't say she wasn't told about household goings on. She wants to be in control of her life and she isn't. Anger is an easier emotion to get to than fear, so she uses anger to cope. Don't use it back. Breathe.

I like to start by saying first your feelings of frustration are normal. It s hard to watch a love one change into someone you no longer know or understand. My suggestion would try to get a POA soon as possible that will opens doors to allowing you to help grandmother. You also need to schedule a visit with primary physician and speak with doctor ahead of time to express concerns about Grandmother. Once you have a doctor diagnosis you may have clarity with why grandmother’s actions are so disturbing. Stay strong!

It seems to me the mistake you are making here is the way you are interacting with her. You are reasoning or fighting with her as you did 10 years ago expecting her to reason the same way but it sounds like she probably isn't capable of that now. No doubt despite her claims to the contrary a part of her is very aware that she is forgetful or doesn't process thought's as quickly as she used to and that I imagine is terrifying for her. I don't know what her experience was with her parents aging but no doubt she has some preconceived notions of what it means to "loose your mind" and the word Dementia may mean a whole different thing to her, not something that you can still have a full life with, in her day if you will it was called "old age" or "forgetfulness" a normal part of aging and not labeled Dementia as quickly as we do today, in fact it may be that patient's labeled with Dementia 30, 40, 50 years ago were what we know as Alzheimer patients today. There was a time when patient's that far gone cognitively were institutionalized in mental wards and to think that your family thinks that's where your headed...I would likely dig my heals in too. I also know exactly how easy it is to fall into this trap of thinking you are speaking with the same full faculties you grew up with and know so well, she looks like the same person (in many ways she is) the stuff you can't see is what's changed, the stuff that controls her emotions and thinking, it's such a hard thing to remember and work with. My mom also constantly says "no one told me that" "I never heard that" when we know she heard and understood it yesterday and my brother always says to her "you don't remember hearing that" and we don't make a big deal out of it we just have the conversation again. Now she acknowledges that she has memory issues, small but "she's forgetful" so it doesn't send her into a spin when we "remind' her or correct her from "you never" to "I don't remember that". Maybe finding a more acceptable reason for her to be forgetful or simply lowering the temperature of what it means, to her and to you, that she is showing these symptoms will help. Perhaps yo could enlist her doctor to be the one who suggests some "baseline" testing that they like to do on everyone just so they can pick up on any changes, if you don't attend appointments with her maybe her doctor has suggested something like this and that's what got her guard up (denial is such a strong draw) even but if you haven't already it's time you and or Dad start taking her to appointments so her doctors are familiar with you and you have some knowledge of her heath issues (we all have them) and aren't running blind in the event of some major medical event, it enables you to make sure she is getting the very best care and we all, any age, need someone watching out for us being an advocate for us during a medical crisis. Wise people set this up before they need it to be prepared in the event it's ever needed, that includes setting up POA, directives, medical proxy and making sure everyone is clear about what I want in the event someone needs to make decisions. Approach it like that, maybe your dad could even be setting all of that up for himself and suggest they both do it together to save time and money, all three of you discussing the ideas and options so everyone feels in control of themselves but also an integral part of their loved one's plans, the family plans.

The other though to throw out there is sometimes these changes we don't recognize in ourselves but the people who live with us do are very treatable. Maybe she has an infection, maybe she has had some TIA's which would be a warning to attend to before she has a full out stroke. I think a good Primary Care doctor would be suggesting she start bringing one of you with her to appointments, they like having someone who interacts with their aging patients regularly to ask questions of. I'm curious, why did she move in with you and Dad originally?

I just have to get this out of the way first: she takes care of her finances but not very well because she isn't able to contribute to the household expenses.

Um, that's two issues blended into one, and it's confusing. There is a big difference between not being able to manage your finances because you are getting muddled, and not being able to contribute because you don't have the money. Both may be true at the same time, of course; but are we discussing signs that your grandmother is developing some kind of dementia, or highlighting a source of possible conflict?

In what way has her health been declining? Your profile doesn't mention anything remarkable.

You say that you and your father tag-team in taking care of her, but from your description it isn't obvious what care she needs. Have you and your father become concerned that she mustn't be left alone at home, and if so why? Since she's driving around and visiting friends and attending appointments independently, it's hard to see why she would need one of you to be there at all times.

I don't mean this to sound dismissive of your important role in her care, but does your father know more about her medical and health issues than you do, perhaps? There is information missing: is it possible it's not being shared with you?

The thing is. You are - ? - in your late teens or early twenties? And a full-time college student - good :) - and presumably making plans to complete your education and then move out and move on. At *that* point, your father and grandmother are going to have to review their plans and decide how to make their lives work; but that's their problem, not yours.

How long has she been living with you? Why did she move in, originally? Was it just you and your father previously, or are there other family members around too?

I wonder if the question should really be: "how not to let your batty old granny drive you nuts while you're studying and trying to have a life"?

There are several issues I'd attend to if she were my little old lady. Hearing, health, cognitive function - sure, mood, and house rules. But this is more for your father to address than for you, I'd have thought. What does he say about them?

It isn't clear to me whether or not your grandmother is living with you, If she isn't, as a grandchild you have no obligation to visit, and discuss dropping it down with your father. It you all live together, you need to discuss with both of them what are the rules for pleasant interactions, and what are the consequences (ie AL) for bad mouthing.

"What are we not seeing or doing." - nothing. You're taking care of her and in return you're being dragged through a guilt swamp all day long. She won't change, that's for sure - old habits die hard or not at all when they've served her so long. Nothing you can say will make her stop doing this. So that leaves how you and your father deal with yourselves. If she stays there with you and you want to stay sane, you'll need to grow a very thick skin and ignore her BS. If you both find you can't ignore it, it's time to consider moving her out of the house. Assisted living would allow her to be as independent as she wants, drive herself around, etc, until she can't anymore.

She also needs to be evaluated for dementia, but if she refuses, there's not much you can do. Do either of you have POA for her?

My mother uses that hateful terminology.......you are ganging up on me......as well as making comments about wishing she would die, wanting to jump out of Windows, and yada yada. All manipulation tools she likes to use, and has for many years. She also was diagnosed with progressive dementia back in 2016, at my insistence, but was exhibiting all the classic symptoms years beforehand. Everything gets worse with dementia, everything. Your grandmother sounds a lot like my mother in that she refuses to accept responsibility for ever being wrong. It's always someone else's fault...never hers. Mom is mostly deaf. If she can't hear me and I speak loudly, I'm "screaming" at her and WHY am I screaming? She is the perpetual victim. You and your dad should think about placing grandma in Assisted Living at this point because she's in need of extra care and attention that can become too much to handle after a while. If she's unwilling or unable to accept the rules you've set down in your home, and she does have dementia, things will only get worse. If she's placed in an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility, they can handle her dementia as it progresses. Perhaps you can get her to the doctor and let him know you think she is suffering from dementia....quietly, so she doesn't hear you. The doc can give her a test that only lasts about 10 minutes to determine where she's at, mentally.
It's a long tough road, I know. I had to place mom in a memory care facility after 5 years in Assisted living....shes 92. Your grandma can have many years of life left, and you and dad need to decide how they will be best lived. And how your resentment can be minimized in the process. There are many ways to be a caregiver, and it's sometimes best to do it from a distance. You can go back to being a granddaughter instead of a full time caregiver. Best of luck

Here is an "out of the box" answer.
Respect.
Respect her enough to charge her rent.

Think about it.