<p class="userway-s14-active">I have posted before about my 75 year old mentally ill, Chainsmoking mother, who had major neck surgery in May. And then she had hospital delirium, but was able to come home after a few extra days in the hospital. Thanks to what I learned here, I was able to delay her hospital discharge.<p class="userway-s14-active">Her neck recovery is going well as far as I know. She’s got a disc in her thoracic spine that is now troubling her a lot. I dread the idea of more procedures to take care of that. She also just completed having all of her teeth, pulled, and Dentures placed. She had a near fainting episode when I was there that day, and another episode of fainting when she had a stomach ache about a week ago. She for some reason *Now has very low blood pressure. Before her surgery it was high and she was started on medication, but now it is low. She’s refusing to see the cardiologist because his co-pay is high on her insurance plan.<p class="userway-s14-active">And we also have been helping more with my husband‘s parents. They are having some medical problems. His father, no longer drives due to vision, problems, and his mother recently had surgery. So during her recovery we had to be their errand runners, etc. And because my mother-in-law was not feeling well, we had to do some extra things for my husband’s 99-year-old grandmother, who is in assisted living, but the family still does a whole lot for her, such as her laundry. They go check on her every day to set up her coffee pot for the next morning, and wash the few breakfast dishes in her room. This is not my doing, this is how my mother-in-law and husband’s aunt have been handling it since she went in in March.<p class="userway-s14-active">And now, another layer has been added to my elder sandwich. My mother’s dad married a woman for his second marriage, much younger than he was. So my mother’s stepmother is about 89 years old. Living alone, and doing very well, except she’s had two Falls recently. For years, anytime, MJ had anything medical or needed extra help, she had a very good neighbor friend to come over. Things like meals after surgeries, the day she fell and tripped over a water hos, The neighbor got her an ice pack and looked after her. I just received the news that helpful neighbor is moving.<p class="userway-s14-active">So MJ called me and asked if she could put my name on her call alert system that she will be getting soon. I told her yes. There really is no one else, all of her friends are 90 years old.<p class="userway-s14-active">My mother hates MJ, for perceived grievances. MJ has been wonderful to me. I love her. She does not have much support though. Her brother, in his 80s, lives about 40 miles away from here. He’s in good shape for now. She just added him to her bank accounts. She’d had a 60 something year old niece as her POA in on her bank accounts, but the niece ended up becoming frail and went into assisted-living herself. her other extended family lives a long ways from here. She never had children.<p class="userway-s14-active">MJ at least is mentally fit, has some financial means, including long-term care insurance. She is also not averse to hiring in-home help. She did it before, when my grandfather had Alzheimer’s, and she took care of him at home. I’m still really nervous about being the only person here.
If you and your husband died tomorrow I can bet you that a solution would be found for ALL of these elders and their ever increasing number of needs.
And as for 99 year old grandmother what's the point in her paying for assisted living if she is not going to let them assist her?
Here's my advice:
1. Your mother is a grown woman. If she doesn't want to go to the cardiologist and get checked out it is her choice. Leave it alone. Eventually her stubbornness will be her downfall and the cause of her demise. This happened to my grandmother when she didn't tell my parents about an infection on the back of her legs and my dad noticed it one day and by the time she went to get it treated it was too late.
2. Husband needs to set boundaries with his parents. He cannot be their permanent errand runner and doer as their medical needs prevent them from living independently.
3. Grandmother's refusal to have her assisted living actually assist her needs to stop. Honestly what's the point in her being there if others are still doing her laundry and dishes? It doesn't get any stupider than this. All that money for what?
4. Since MJ has the means and LTC insurance she will have to make use of that when she continues to fall etc. A person can be mentally with it but their body keeps making it so they are no longer independent.
Recognize that and do not become her caregiver too. And obviously she won't hire in home help because she would have done it after her falls instead of burdening her neighbor with propping her up by making her meals, etc.
Sure the neighbor could have said no but you know some people just can't say no.
As for your getting added to her call alert system that's great but can also be the start of her asking you for just one or two small things here and there and before you know it you are knee deep in care giving for her too.
My friend is is pretty decent health but has vaso-vagal episodes at least twice a year. She feel in the subway a few months ago and was taken by ambulance to the hospital to have her broken shoulder set.
My friend understands that she is ONE accident away from needing to go into the local Independent Living Facility, where there will be staff around 24/7 and where she would have a call bell and pendent that will call staff, not relatives or friends.
(when she fell earlier this year, she called ME while she was lying on the subway platform. I wasn't home and if I had been, I would have told her to call 91, which is what a bystander did. She WAS able to get a neighbor to come get her at the hospital at 3 AM; I would have told her to take a cab.)
These are grownups. You are not responsible to their bad decisions.
In your shoes, I think you need to figure out EXACTLY how much help you plan on extending to MJ if the alert company contacts you.
There ARE alternatives for all of these folks--IL, AL, adult foster homes. The state can become their guardian.
You don't HAVE to do anything that you aren't prepared to do.
As for your mom. It's time for tough love. She can go to the doctor and do what you say and the doctor or she can go into a facility if she can't afford one it will be where ever Medicaid puts her. If you can't wait for a spot send her to the ER and don't let them discharge her (key words here are 'unsafe discharge' and she has no care at home and is an 'at risk senior') She can't expect to do nothing and have you become a full time nurse for her.
My mom had an issue where when someone tried to lift her up, if they pulled on her shoulder, it would become dislocated. This happened time and again. It caused her a lot of unnecessary pain, and she'd have to go to the ER to have it fixed, but if someone tried to help her up, they wouldn't know that it was a possibility. They were all just trying to help.
First: If Mom is on blood pressure medicine and now its too low, it needs to be adjusted. She is taking too much.
Your job is to worry about your Mom.
Your step-grandmother, maybe time for her to go to an AL if she can afford it.
Your husbands job is to worry about his parents
Seems husband Grandmother is being taken care of. He has his parents too worry about. Leave the grandmother to her kids.
You cannot be everything to everybody. You need to learn to say No. Sorry, but I am caring for Mom. With MJ, the whole reason for an alert button is when u fall an operator comes on the line and asks if your OK. At that time MJ says I need help and the operator sends help. What MJ needs to do is get a lockbox and put an extra door key in it. Give the operator the code. That code will be given to the responders to be able to get into her apartment.
Before you volunteer for anything think it thru. If for some reason husbands grandmothers caregivers can't be there for her, u don't have to be there to carry on what they are doing. The AL will do her wash. An aide may be willing to set up her coffee pot and do a few dishes. Otherwise, Grandmom gets 3 meals a day and snacks. She gets bathed 3x a week. She has a staff do for her. If her care gets more than the AL is capable of, then she needs to go to LTC. Those arrangement need to be made by one of her children. Grandchildren do not need to be involved if a child is capable of doing.
There are resourses out there. Check them out before volunteering your time. There is Senior bussing for appts and shopping. There are always options. For me, carrying for my Mom was enough and overseeing a disabled nephew who TG was independent just need help with his finances. We took advantage of resources. He now has a coordinator.