Hi—to be brief, my stepmother suffers from what I can tell is dementia. She lives with my father, and has very, very limited short term memory but more than that, she has really terrible anger problems. She has hit him a number of times (she’s frail so no real damage but he’s also very anemic/has blood problems) and has had the cops called by neighbors etc. They recently moved to the country so no longer an issue.
I’m unsure what Alzheimer’s diagnosis she has; she was told by a doctor she has dementia but aside from that it’s hard to get full information. I worked in a day program for elders with Alzheimer’s for 4 years so I can tell she has it, but I haven’t seen really anything like hers.
She is extremely forgetful and confused but masks it with aggression/yelling. She basically just yells at my dad 24/7 and occasionally hits him although he’s stopped telling me if that happens (it never happened all the time but occasionally). He however is so worn down that he’s slow to actually make any progress on doctors etc.
My question is—where’s a good place to make a plan? Are medical advocates helpful for this? I live across the country but spending a good deal of time lately here and it’s just a total nightmare. Most dementia forums I see give advice on physical care etc and truthfully I haven’t met someone with Alzheimer’s that’s this angry so unsure what to do or where to turn for help. Thanks
Brace
I would be scheduling a geriatric psychiatry appointment and get her on some calming meds, after she sees a neurologist for an accurate diagnosis. Because some meds make it worse.
Right now, you need to advocate for your dad and that means getting her treated and somewhat stabalized or getting her placed in a facility.
If you have to call 911 and say she is a danger to herself and others to get her placed in a psych facility to make it happen, then do that.
Statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. Your dad has a really high chance of becoming a statistic if something doesn't change.
Good luck, this is a damnable disease.
I would say she needs placement in a memory care facility for your father's safety as well as hers. Does Dad have all his faculties and can make decisions for his wife if she doesn't have children to help out?
Dad (with you assisting) needs to get confirmation from her doctor that she has dementia or Alzheimer's, and it's time to start researching nursing homes for her. What will happen to Dad if she's in a facility? He sounds pretty frail as well, so you need to decide how to help him. I don't know if he's capable of living alone by himself, and living out in the country isn't a good plan.
Your job is going to be two-fold -- deal with the immediate placement of stepmother, and then deal with dear old Dad.
If at anytime your step mother hits or otherwise is threatening to your dad or anyone else you or whoever is there should call 911 and request transport to the hospital. Tell the dispatcher that the person is elderly and has dementia. Also tell them that there are no weapons in the house. (Please get rid of any or lock them up if there are any)
Once at the hospital ask to talk to a Social Worker. Tell them that she can not be discharged home as it is unsafe for others and that she can not pe safely cared for.
If she has children from a previous relationship this should be discussed with them. As her spouse your father is the primary decision maker unless she has designated someone else to make decisions for her.
Depending on assets this can get tricky and an Elder Care Lawyer might want to be consulted.