I am in a live in caregiving role for a lady who was my neighbor for 7 years before i moved in 4 years ago. We have known each other for 11 years total. I did some things for her before I lived here such as shopping, cleaning, yard work and some meals. Nearly 4 years ago she asked me to move in as she began to need more help. My son was still a teen at the time and moved in as well.
Back then I was working full time making a good salary. About 2 years ago it became clear that she needed more help and supervision and is adamantly against going to AL. She offered to leave me her home and had an attorney write her will to that effect if I agreed to care for her in her home until the end. At that time she also gave me POA for everything and named me as executor. She has no family at all. No one. My son and i worked opposite shifts to make sure she isnt ever alone. About a year ago she had a bad fall and we realized that she needs me here even more so I quit my job and now only work part time. This is causing me to be at a deficit every month and I'm going into debt providing for her increasing needs. I have tried to have conversations with her about the reality of the situation and that it is not sustainable. I have tried to explain inflation, cost of living increases, all the little expenses that have crept up and added up over the last 3 years. She meanwhile has a surplus of income every month due to me paying more than my fair share as well as fixing some things in her budget to save her money. She doesn't spend it on anything, it just grows in her bank account while I struggle to make ends meet. I have tried to explain that we are in this together until the end and that I need her to pitch in more. Also the house needs repairs that she refuses to spend money on but I can't in good faith spend MY money on when it's not yet my house so its becoming increasingly shabby and in disrepair. Her response to any difficult conversation is to tell me that I can find a new place to live if I don't like it. As if she is doing me a favor by letting me live here. She thinks the 2 rooms my son and I occupy at no cost make up for everything else I spend on her care and that of maintaining her household and property, not to mention all the hours of unpaid labor and lost wages from reducing to part time work. I have tried to explain the excellent deal she is getting on care by comparing what an actual paid caregiver would cost her but now she is saying I am not a caregiver, but rather a tenant. She says a real caregiver would be 24/7 by her side which is not humanly possible nor legal. Even professional paid caregivers get time off.
She also still goes to the bathroom by herself and sponge bathes herself (she refuses to let me help her shower) so insists that I'm not providing the duties of a caregiver although I do literally everything else because she cant.
I can't get her to budge on this, but I do have POA for all things- health care, legal, and financial. My question is at what point am I able to pay bills with her money instead of mine? Of course only things for her care, household, and property would apply. It adds a layer to this situation that the money in her account will also become mine once she passes, but I need the help NOW. What are my rights in this situation? What should I avoid doing?
Today.
Read this:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
When it comes to inheritances, you can't count on them anymore.
It may never happen, how do you know that you will get her vast fortune? You don't, anything can be easily changed. My mother changed her will 3 times in the matter of 2 years.
My mother is 98, her house was sold to pay for AL, she has enough money to last another 2 years, that is it. There most likely will be nothing left.
Take control of your life back, you may end up with nothing.
You are POA. You need to see an Elder Law Attorney to get together a shared living expenses contract. You may need to seek guardianship. He may suggest that you need some guardianship by the state. I can't know. But this needs to be legally done and should have been LONG AGO done as far as her bills.
Now, you say you have lived and do live in her home and have lived there I am assuming FREE all this time. So you worked and had the opportunity to save I would think buckets of money. So you must have your own money? And her bills are what they are. Mortgage if there is one, taxes, her food and etc. And as POA you can pay those. So I am not quite getting the problem. But I DO think that you and an elder law attorney can work out how this should be handled. And as POA you know that her funds pay for this attorney financial support.
A will can be changed easily. Do you know if she's changed hers?
Your POA should work unless it requires doctors' assessment to determine that she is no longer capable of managing her own affairs.
Read the POA. Then take it to a lawyer - not her lawyer - and find out your rights.
I learned over 10 yrs ago not to get involved with others problems. It started out helping GFs Mom with driving to appts. Then my GF, amputee, needed rides to appts. Then her 20 something DD needed rides to appts because GF could not drive her and DD didn't have a license. Yes, we were retired but 3x out of one week we were taking someone over the bridge to another state to an appt. At one point I asked they coordinate their appts because we were taking them to the same complex only different Doctors. What saved me is I agreed to take care of my infant grandson. So, I could no longer drive. Then, I had the care of my Mom. I would see GFs Mom and she would say "come visit" but I knew what that meant. My GF had passed and her DH 2yrs later. Leaving the Mother alone. She was an only child as was my GF. DH had died at 87 and he was the youngest of 8 children. I just knew she would start to lean on me for help. I had just got over that with my own Mom and just couldn't do it again. I also have a disabled nephew I oversee.
Having a house left to you is not worth it.
Either way you need to get the hell out of there. Calling the lady's bluff and seeing the look on her face when you actually move out would be worth all the backpay in the world.
that bank account needs to - MUST- be paying ALL costs on her property. Whether it’s by doing a ACH from the checking account or she writes a check and you mail it for her.
If she won’t do it, then either you & your Son plan a move out and forgetabtit on doing any type of financial recovery for all this. If this is it, please get a mail box rented to have all your mail forward to ahead of the move. So that you do NOT have to go back there for anything.
OR
you are ready to go hard ball on this. And if so, you need to find your own attorney to start what’s needed. If so, I’m guessing that you are:
- paying the utilities. correct? Figure out how long it takes for each of them to be shut off. Precisely the time frame on this. Those dates are your cut off dates on dealing with her.
- Have you paid the property taxes? If so find those checks. You are going to take them with you when you see an attorney. Why? Because you want the attorney to put this as a lein onto the property.
- have attorney do a personal services contract between her & you to pay you for some of your time to be her caregiver and manage her household affairs. A good lawyer will know what is considered appropriate market rates for this. Atty will also downstream this to have the tax filing needed set up with whatever CPA to tax pro their firm uses so that you & her are all good for IRS and any state tax reporting. The. The battle axe has got to realize either this is done or you are out & right before utilities are off.
as a side note, I cannot stress how important being paid something is for YOU, yes YOU, not her. By her paying you, it is giving you income & adding into your own FICA for your own future retirement and also to have enough quarters for your own Medicare. Perhaps something you have not really thought of but will be way waaaaaay important. Inheriting a house is all fabulous but if ya can’t afford it as you have crushing medical debt that’s not good.
Also
- attorney reviews the existing will. So find it and make a copy. If you don’t have it or cannot find it, I’d be real concerned that either it doesn’t exists or she’s changed it once she got you as free help. Honestly she can have it so that the attorney goes and changes the title right now to have it done to you fully as a TOD while still in her name. And she can do this on all her bank accounts as well. I’d try to have these both done. Just provides for a way for you to transfer title after death or get to use $ in those bank accounts to pay for fine and any after death costs.
On the she has no family, I wouldn’t bet on that. I could well be that the attitude she displays towards you, she has done to her family. They are all estranged. Once she dies and there are assets, someone will notice and they will come around to claim heirship. That you a total outsider did undue influence to steal their inheritance. Litigation like this is nothing but $ to attorneys. They will find an attorney willing to do this as she will have a house as an asset of her estate to pay for the bills.
How much of a Nancy Drew or Veronica Mars can you be in the house without her knowing? I’d really try to go thru things to see old photos, old letter, yearbook, old bills, as to possible family. Google is your friend on finding the past.
best of luck in making these hard decisions.
if so, are you paying that as well?
of so take all those cancelled checks to your meeting with YOUR attorney- not the one she used!
Just so you understand, there are labor laws and tax implications on what’s going on here for your “work environment”. This whole work for free room & board is a taxable fringe benefit as far as the IRS is concerned. IRS has a publication on this: IRS PUB 15-B. The labor laws revolve around wage theft as there are laws on # of hours worked still in this country. You cannot be “on call” 24/7, subject to work for her….. that’s illegal. There’s a whole cottage industry of attorneys who do nothing but wage theft types of litigation. It would be the nuclear option you could possibly use against her of she gets really ugly and vindictive with you.
But you have to, HAVE TO, have documentation. Cancelled checks, old calendar entries, old doctor appointments scheduling, receipts on errands you run and things you paid for. You need to be able to do your own forensics to establish your work time and responsibilities. You cannot just complain about being taken advantage of but establish how you were. Just to have if needed.
Hopefully once she realized you mean business and will exit, she will do what’s needed. So it never gets to that point. But to me you do want to be somewhat prepared to go more nuclear.
Now if ya cannot do this, that’s understandable. Not everyone is cut out for being hard ball. But if you exit, you do need to do things to totally CYA in advance of your leaving. You don’t want it so that she finds herself in a panic and calls the police / fire department who contact APS and she tells them this lady & her Son moved in with her and took advantage of her the poor sweet widow, type of nonsense.
If your son is over 18 now, you cannot contract him out for free caregiving.
If still a teen, this may be child abuse condemning him to care for this lady.
If you yourself cannot extricate yourself from the toxic relationship,
please do not include your son.
On your son's behalf, can you send him off to college?
Get your son his own attorney, get him out of this responsibility/non-responsibility. He can sue for back wages.
Your elderly friend may be the abuser/exploiter of your son, but this will fall to you as his mother?
Save your son.
All for a supposed inheritance you turned yourself and your son into slaves? Since you have a lawyer ask him this board can't help you with something like this.
Especially since you are being held hostage by this woman for a supposed inheritance and you will ignore ALL common sense because you think you are going to win in the end.
News flash you will probably get screwed over by this woman. Get ready for it.
"Also the house needs repairs that she refuses to spend money on but I can't in good faith spend MY money on when it's not yet my house so its becoming increasingly shabby and in disrepair."
She is obligated by Landlord/Tenant Laws to keep the house in good repair,
using her money.
Do not allow her to exploit you into thinking you are not a caregiver-especially her needing you there at increasing levels.
How bad do you want to make this right, or escape, with that "faked inheritance" carrot dangling over your head?
If you moved out, would you still be POA, and "inherit" the house?
If you are paying her bills, then pay them. All of them.
Leave this dangling carrot of disaster waiting to happen nonsense. These types of promises of the light at the end of the tunnel, this place is yours after I die nonsense never comes to fruition. How do I know? My parents promised me the same thing. My mom died, and my dad married the gold digger leech he had been cheating on mom with since I was in high school. He was ready to throw us all out on the street including his disabled child who I was taking care of at the time. People will promise you the moon to keep from hiring reputable help while trying to hang on to their bank account.
Don't fall for the scam.
Please don't do this to yourself or your son. He needs a teenage life and not a life enslaved to a selfish, miserly woman who can afford home care. Also, she has money to pay for her yard work, and home repairs. An aide can do her shopping and light housekeeping duties.
Start looking for home care agencies so she will not be left alone, and you start seeking full time employment to move. I wouldn't be concerned about seeking out lawyers or anything else. A POA can be declined. This person is not related to you. After awhile, people are transient in these types of cases. I would start by focusing on a job and getting the hell away that disaster.
Wondering - how old is she currently? And what type of care giving are you currently doing for her? Just trying to get a sense of your total responsibilities in this and the time that's required from you in taking care of her at this stage of her life and health.
I saw a lawyer for my situation, and he told me not to waste anymore time with it. I started the process to have my sister placed in a beautiful group home where she thrived. She also attended classes to learn some of her eating and mobility skills, went to church and got baptized. She had a life besides sitting in the house all day hidden from the world with an alcoholic mom who had given up everything.
It was a three year process, and I moved after placement. Everything worked out to our advantage.
So yeah don’t be surprised if you don’t end up with the house, and instead you have 50k in legal bills.
1) Your friend may change her will, as others have pointed out. Just because she has no relations, it doesn’t stop someone else winning her love and affection – which seems a bit shaky anyway. She is a good target for a scammer. (Or a ‘new love’ if she joins some sort of care group? Or a charity canvassing for people with no family?) It may seem very very unlikely, but then no-one expects it, do they?
2) She may need more care than you can provide, and as others have also pointed out, that can demolish assets quite rapidly. If she gets through her attractive bank account and needs Medicaid, they will put a lien on the house. That is not at all unlikely.
You have put yourself and your son in a position where she has all the power. And she is using it to keep you where she wants you. The only power you have is to stop.
Perhaps a half-way step might be to say that you need to earn more money, so you will increase your paid work hours and she needs to hire a caregiver to be there when you are not. Or to have a holiday or some other trip, and let her work out how to cope while you are away. Or you go to a counselor or a lawyer to work out options to protect your interests.
In my youth I worked as a judge’s associate. My judge told me regularly “Don’t stick your arse out to be kicked, my dear”. That’s what you are doing now.
Thanks for all the responses.
I realize I need to clarify a few things.
1. My son is not at risk. We have lived here all through covid, and his college was online because of that. The fact that he was home anyway is what allowed me to continue working my full time job for the first 3 years of living here. He has since graduated and now works but still lives in his room. He has a separate entrance and buys his own food and things. His girlfriend who is doing online school is here and available when the Old Lady buzzes so that I can work 3 days per week outside the home. I am currently negotiating with my job to work remotely starting in the spring and it looks like that will be the plan as they are aware of my situation. So in essence, my son, his gf and myself are a 3 person team.
2. There is about 20k left on her mortgage and she pays it. Its about $250/mo. Her income is SS and a small pension amounting to about 2k/mo. She pays the power, water and garbage bills, however, when she got to where she couldnt write checks anymore and gave me permission to deal with it all, i discovered she had been overpaying everything and there were credits at all the utilities. I called them and explained and they all suggested she stop paying until the credits were mostly used up. I also discovered that she was paying a collection agency $100/mo that tuned out to be a scam so i put a stop to it. Before we moved in she had a land line and cable but no internet which we needed for my son's online school. She wanted me to pay for it since she didnt use it but it made more sense to get the bundle so now all 3 are in my name and i pay it even though i dont watch cable tv or use the landline. All of these savings to her monthly budget is the only reason why she has any money in the bank at all. And no, its not a vast fortune, its about $20k at the moment but since her total monthly bills only amount to about $500 the rest of her income just accumulates.
3. I have all the paperwork- Will, POA, DNR. I took her to see her own attorney at her request and he had me leave the room for part of it, I assume to make sure she was in her right mind etc, and she was at that time. She has declined some since then but is still pretty much with it mentally. She really truly has zero family. She is an only child and has no children of her own. She is 83.
**Out of space so will continue in another comment**
As POA, take the $20K in savings and pay off the mortgage, imo.
4. The care she requires is due to mobility issues. She uses a walker and is now having issues with that even. She can't stand long enough to prepare food or do any housekeeping but can make it to and from her bathroom as it's only 10 feet or so from her bed. I shop, make and serve food, clean, do her laundry, change her bed, all the yard work, feed and care for her dog, take her and her dog to appointments. So far she has not allowed me to help her with much personal care even though she needs it. She refuses to shower but keep up her own hygiene with sponge baths. I do help her wash her hair in the sink and soak and lotion her feet. I help her get dressed and undressed when we go to appointments but she spends the majority of her time in her adjustable bed watching TV or reading. I schedule the plumber as needed, the septic tank pumping, the yard maintenance that I can't do, etc but she pays for it. I check the mail, make sure bills get paid on time and have finally talked her into autopay for the things she was previously writing check for. So I am her property manager and caregiver to the extent she will allow.
4. When I first moved in and was working full time I paid $400/mo rent and she didn't need nearly as much help so it seemed fair and I wasn't feeling the deficit like I am now. When she needed Tylenol and keenex, etc, she would write me a check and then I had to go cash it to buy her things or I would pay for them and she would write me a check for reimbursement. This became ridiculous as it was happening so frequently, back and forth to the bank, that we agreed that I would buy her things as needed in lieu of rent. For awhile it was a wash. Then she started needing depends at about $80/mo and became increasingly picky eater wanting specific expensive foods. That topped with inflation at the grocery store and the cable/phone etc that I was paying meant that I was paying alot more than the original $400/mo rent.
Now that I can't work as much because she cant be left alone (she tries to walk around and falls down) I can't afford to be paying for all this on top of my own personal bills.
5. Yes I do plan to get an attorney of my own to try and protect myself and my future reward, so thank you for that advice. I am also trying to negotiate reimbursement at least for the phone and cable that I don't even use which is about $4k as well as having he pay that bill moving forward. I have receipts for all the rent I have paid, every cent I have paid out of pocket for house and yard maintenance, every grocery receipt, etc for the beginning. I really don't fear her "screwing me out of the inheritance" or anyone coming out of the woodwork when she passes but will get an attorney just in case. I'm going to need their help anyway when I have to deal with the estate as the executor and beneficiary.
Lastly, I belive that she and I both entered into this with good intentions but neither of us thought it would carry on this long. She was in really bad condition before I started caring for her and she thought the end was near. I think eating better and more and having companionship has extended her life. The financial situation needs to balance out for both of us regardless of the fact the the house will become mine in the end. I know this woman isn't my family, but I don't have grandparents and tough as it is, I love her as if she was family. We get along very well for the most part except for these difficult conversations. I belive she is declining mentally and that's the major reason why she won't budge on any changes, not because she thinks I'm trying to take her money.
I hope this helps clarify and maybe I'll get some more helpful advice than to cut my losses, move out and leave this poor woman all alone and the state take her home.
Thanks for reading.
I think anything other I would leave it to you to speak with an attorney and decide issues ongoing.
So negative.
We stick around because, relatives or not, we care for this woman as a grandmother. How sickening to hear you say just give up and throw her in a NH, let the state have her house. Just because YOU would do that to a poor old lady doesn't mean that everyone else would. Sounds like the money is even more important to you than to me.
See my other post in "nutrition" if you want more of the very long story.
Not to mention if her care gets to the point where you can't do it anymore and she eventually winds up in a facility ALL those years you spent trying to keep the state from getting her home will be for nothing and you will be the one screwed in this scenario not the elderly woman you are giving up your entire life and financial future for.
What if you get injured caring for her? What if you get sick? Are you then going to make your son quit his job to take care of you and her?
Even if she was your grandmother the advice for a senior that needs this much care and cannot afford to hire 24/7 aides would be that it is time for her to be placed into a nursing home. It is not mean or cruel to recommend this, it is just the reality and facts of the situation.
As for money being important. YES it is important to have an income to sustain a roof over your head, food on the table, electricity, water, trash pickup, mortgage payments, insurance, etc.
Also the years you spend not earning an income will reflect negatively on the money you get in social security payments in the future.
This was my mom over the last 18 months, “When she needed Tylenol and keenex, etc, she would write me a check and then I had to go cash it to buy her things or I would pay for them and she would write me a check for reimbursement. This became ridiculous as it was happening so frequently, back and forth to the bank”. And more importantly, “She uses a walker and is now having issues with that even. She can't stand long enough to prepare food or do any housekeeping but can make it to and from her bathroom as it's only 10 feet or so from her bed.”
My mom took an unexpected and precipitous turn for the worse. Now she is bedridden and I have hired aids because even working part time I can’t provide enough care by myself. So far it’s costing almost $10,000/month, so if your friend suddenly gets much worse $20,000 won’t last long. Then, as others have said, she could end up with liens on the house. I wonder if she could put the house into your name now? Depending on the state you live in and when and how much care she could end up needing it might be too late.
I wish you the best. You are in a tough situation and I know you are trying to do the right thing.
He is an adult now, moved his girlfriend in-is she paying her share of rent and utilities? Is she due part of the "inheritance", along with your son?
So, the three of you "live-in" for free?
Things seem to be changing in the original agreement, adding people and expenses.
What are the 3 of you doing to keep up routine maintenance where you live?
Suggest you return to the lawyer(s) and re-work/update the agreement.
Have you made plans for when your son and his girlfriend move out, get married, have children?
Your situation may never become "fair" to any of you, including your elderly friend.
There is a need to financially separate the living/expenses from the caregiving/expenses, imo. I think going forward, you will not be getting paid adequately for increasing caregiving duties-a job you cannot ever quit.
My son recently graduated, his gf is in school now. He is working and they support themselves. They are here as backup for me when I work outside the home. They don't do anything carewise except bring food and drink when buzzed and a few chores like take out the trash and pick up dog poop. They can't afford to move out yet. They can't afford much "rent" but they pitch in on groceries and are basically sitters for me if I have to leave. They are not expecting to inherit anything and are free to leave whenever they want. If they do, I will hire another live in.
I can assure we we do not live here for "free." I think I already explained the expenses I pay.
The Lady CAN afford to maintain/repair her house, pay for aides etc. I WANT her to do that. I want to sell her unpractical vehicle and get something easier to transport her to appointments. I want to buy her a power chair and install a wheelchair ramp, possibly a bidet, get a different mattress, etc.
She refuses to spend any of her money willingly for some irrational fear of being broke. That combined with the fact she just doesn't understand how much things cost means she honestly doesn't understand how much it's impacting me. She is not intentionally "duping" me into caring for her at my expense. Again, I'm not an idiot.
I had to talk her into $2500 dental work that she needed but it took months of coaxing. I got her an adjustable bed, she reimburseed me for it, but it was taking too long to talk her into it so just bought it. She was at risk of choking because she wants to eat in bed.
So STOP with the "you just want her fortune" BS because I'm OVER IT.
I came here for advice on how I, as her POA, can legally do these things with or without her agreement because they are for her quality of life. You are all hung up on the fact that I will inherit the house, as if that's not fair or kosher or something. Smells like jealousy to me. Inwant ot spend her money, ALL of it. On HER. But she is resisting everything.
Since you all want me to just throw her in nursing home, she's gonna need to spend down correctly anyway, right? Sheesh.
I think the most important thing I learned from this forum is that I, as her POA, must advocate for her care, not necessarily provide the care myself. Since there was no formal care agreement made up (it began as a cost share living situation) I don't have to do anything except assign and schedule and monitor her care, and pay for it with her money. She is rapidly getting to where she needs more care than I can provide so it's my duty to hire those who can.
Her decline is speeding up so it will probably be hospice soon anyway.
She has medicare so -problem solved from what I've read here.
Unless I'm wrong, didn't you say that she has about 20K in total to her name? If that's the case, I can understand her concern in spending, because that can go in no time. And any type of in-home care regarding hiring aides is expensive and if she only has 20K, it won't last long. Then what?
Now you stated that you don't need to do anything but assign, hire and pay for aides, correct? But, that sort of contradicts what you previously said...so, with you and your son and now the girlfriend (3 people) living in her house rent free, what is it that you'd be providing for her?
- And just note that if she needs to go into a nursing home, you lose the house - it legally has to go towards nursing home costs.
Why would you feel, say in my friends case, she would have been better off with NO help and care, leaving her home to the State.
I don't get that, frankly.
I am aware that there are some who DO take advantage, but if they are providing care over a period of more than a decade, then to me they have earned their "inheritance".
Just my opinion. I do know (just as you do) that there are some vultures out there. That just doesn't seem to be the case for me, and in fact our OP at this point may have, if she WERE preying, have made a poor gamble. This woman has ONLY a house worth 400,000 and she may HAVE to go into care. That amount will be clawed back quickly by medicade, and if this OP continues to invest her own money hoping for a home this may be a poor investment decision.
I have personally seen firsthand a situation like your own work very well for both parties. A friend, a unit secretary when I was an RN, had no family and few friends. A recluse of a sort. I used to have lunch with her a few times a year, talk with her on phone a bit.
This friend retired and had a neighbor she very much loved. Shortly after retirement she had a stroke that left her able to walk slowly about her garden but not able to do for herself a whole lot otherwise. The neighbor, who had sold her own home, stepped in and gave care and managed care, came over often, gardened, cleaned, cooked.
My friend had also been very lax (no taxes paid for 8 years) and friend helped clear this all up some mess. Last year my friend was diagnosed with a firestorm of a cancer, went home on hospice to die, and this former neighbor became care manager stepping in to manage the 24/7 aids, meals, cleaning, delivery and etc.
When my friend died she left her home, worth about 500,000, to this "friend/neighbor" who had been her savior for those years after her stroke, and made her sole beneficiary.
To me this worked for them both, tho the neighbor, now a friend of MINE as well, had a mess to deal with as executor (surprise; a second mortgage taken out on the home for 75,000. Taxes, etc)--she did get the home proceeds after estate sale to pay off (surprise) unpaid bills of all sorts.
All said and done after all paid and done about 250,000. But for YEARS of work. I mean tough stuff.
I think here on Forum you are in a "no win" situation. I personally understand your situation, but given you have said you will never have another chance to have a home, I wonder if you will ever will have. I worry others will see you as some of the names some here have called you.
I worry your friend will need to go into care; Medicaid will pay out for her but will claw back on that home; after sale of it (which may be forced) you would come out with little left. You meanwhile are giving up your own life and not a little of your money if you are paying for things. You have consulted an attorney. You are doing your best. But this is all a gamble.
IF you wish to continue in this care for your friend, then do so. Get your POA set up with the bank so that YOU pay the bills if she isn't competent to do so. Help her if she is competent. Only you can make these decisions. But her 20,000 is NOT going to last long.
I fear this forum, having seen people prey upon the elders for so long, will always look askance at your situation here, unless they have witnessed it work for a friend, an elder, as I have. We often end up bickering among ourselves as to the right or the wrong of a situation, bumping up the numbers on any given thread, with never any resolution to the situation at all.
I wouldn't waste a lot of time trying to convince anyone here. Only you know your own heart. You don't owe anyone here an explanation.
You came asking if you should continue to pay for some things on your own. In my own personal opinion, no, you should not.
If this woman is needing now so much help she should likely go to care and guardianship of the state and placement. Anything else is a gamble that may get you YEARS OF WORK AND PAIN, only to be accused of being a grifter (something I don't personally think you are).
The gamble is up to you. The ball is in your court. You are consulting, as you should, an attorney.
I can only wish you the best of luck.
What has NOT changed is the fact that she needs help with daily living and has all along. The nature of that help has evolved as one would expect.
Also that she will NOT be placed in a NH as is my promise to her. She is displaying signs of giving up and I don't blame her, which is why we are JUST NOW discussing hospice.
The other constant is that I have always worked. My entire life I have worked my ass off in hopes of someday buying a home in my own home town. But being a single income, single mom in a society geared toward 2 income households, the gentrification of my area continually moving the goalposts, and the ridiculous cost of living increases mean that even if I had kept my higher paying job, I STILL would not be able to buy a home. A few years ago i qualified for $250k on my own but around here that doesnt buy a carboard box in the ghetto. So please spare me the "you should have worked harder" shite. Anyone with a brain knows how hard it is if you aren't born to a wealthy family, find a rich husband, or inherit something. But go ahead and stand on your soapbox that your husband or daddy paid for and tell me I'm a bad person for all this.
The 20k is continually growing. As she still gets a steady income of about 2k/mo. That's what I make as well working 3 days per week.
Between the 2 of us, and my son and gf as back up free care (in lieu of rent) I believe we can afford an aide once a week to help with the bathing which is what I mostly need help with. If she qualifies for hospice, it sounds like that would paid for by medicare. The 20k surplus she has now is due in part to me paying too much in our shared cost living which I hope to rectify. The rest, I want tonuse for things to make her live better and by default, make my life easier.
If only it was that simple, but it’s not.
Medicare is health insurance w/hospice benefit. She - if determined by outside assessment to meet hospice criteria AND has full-on Medicare Part A - could be placed on hospice @ 100% paid by Medicare part A. Agency paid directly. By & large hospice done at home comes in 2-3 X a week for 3-5 hr shift that monitors vitals, bathing, skin & medication management. Can order DME (beds, hoists), speciality nutrionals. Outside of their visits, hospice requires an Adult primary hands on caregiver there all other times. Documented in their reporting. If something seems amiss, hospice is a mandated reporter for APS.
Issue with hospice (I’m a fan & consider it beyond wonderful benefit) is it will not ever provide 24/7 oversight. Inevitably someone will end up tethered 24/7 for her; and when either something happens with that persons own health so cannot do this OR the hospice patient care needs become immense & flat cannot be done safely at home, they will end up moving into a SNF. Hospice notates all this….. if beyond in home capability, they will write orders for higher level of care required and need 2 transfer to SNF.
What tends to happen is family end up hiring in-home health 3-4 times a week to enable the caregiver to be able to take a break, do their own doctor visits, have their own free time etc. Hospice will pay for short term respite for 5 consecutive days in a SNF to give the caregiver a break IF caregiver has burnout. Tends to be allowed once a year.
Other than short term respite stay, SNF is either private pay, long term care insurance policy payment or if impoverished file an application for LTC Medicaid.
MediCARE does NOT pay any custodial room& boards costs for NH.
To be impoverished, so eligible for LTC Medicaid -for most States - means income under $2742 a mo & nonexempt assets under 2K. You as POA, will have to provide an accounting in detail on her financials up to 5 yr lookback. Imho You should expect any payments to you or son reviewed as “gifting”. Her income from day 1 @ a NH is a required copay less whatever personal needs allowance is (avg $50 or $60). Zero $ to pay any house costs once in a NH. LTC Medicaid requires an after death attempt for recovery for all cost paid, via MERP. Until MERP is dealt with in some way, house cannot transfer to you.
A way around this very real possibility is she fully transfers her home to you or into a irrevocable Trust now in 2023 and you absolutely no matter how bad it gets, do not ever place her into a NH and file for LTC Medicaid till winter of 2028 / 5+ years from now. Spends down her $ appropriately & with documentation to be poor in 2028. House Insurance paid and property taxes paid - no matter what- so that it does not ever go up for delinquent tax sale.
“free” rent only goes so far as a perk. Sonny & his gf. should be out leading their lives, having friends in their own place, exploring their world. Working, spending, saving, doing on their own schedule. Not tied to having to help you out in the choices you made to care for & be a companion for a woman - not a relative & not very nice - who has promised you riches from her grave. The kids friends won’t be understanding. They’re gonna bail & move out.
FWIW “free rent” in lieu of work payment is a taxable benefit.
The good folks on this forum are not dog piling on you.
BUT
You have got to realize for an outsider to do this is highly unusual.
Difficult enough on family to do this.
For non-family to leave their own place & move in, have their own family AND friends move in (the gf), take over aspects of her financials, become POA, control outside activities, looks odd.
To do & be complaining about costing you, looks like grifting gone bad.
Imo just sayin’. You have got to realize this.
Also pls. do not count on her having no family. She didn’t hatch from an egg. They’ll surface!
What I mean by "medicare, problem solved" is in regards to hospice when she is at that stage.
It seems to me that her mental state has declined alot in the last 6 months or so. She increasingly talks about dying, wanting it to be over, being tired of it all, etc. I didn't know it existed until this forum, but "failure to thrive" seems to be happening. She isn't interested in food as much, refuses to drink water, refuses to go to the doctor and when I finally get her there, refuses to let them do any tests. She could very well have cancer, an infection, etc and we would never know it. She doesn't care, which is her right. Letting her fade away in peace is what she wants me to do. Is this not what medicare paid hospice is for?
This is not me trying to "save the inheritance for myself" like so many of these other obvious grifter posts. If she gets her way, she will never NEED to go on medicaid and into a NH where they will purposely keep her alive to squeeze every penny with MERP. She wants to die here. If I follow through with my end of the bargain, medicaid won't even be a part of the equation. I am pulling strings to try and keep that from happening, yes, but it for BOTH reasons - keeping her home til the end as she wishes AND preserving the inheritance. Why is it so hard to believe that both things can be true? Why is it common practice in this country to toss our old people aside so they endure prolonged suffering in a NH no matter who is paying for it? I am doing everything I can to STOP medicaid (taxpayers) from having to pay for anything.
Why can't people get that through their heads?