2.5 year ago my mom began moving slowly and showed mild signs of paranoia. She became obsessed with the health of my brother who lives on 300 miles away. She would call him in the middle of the night, sent police to his workplace for a wellness check. These were all our initial signs that something was wrong.
We begged her to see a doctor to discuss these issues but she refused. Some backstory, she had always taken pride in never seeing a doctor for anything, swore that vitamin C would heal all ailments, only trusted non traditional services like acupuncture etc. It always felt like a unique quirk she had, in hindsight simply because she never got sick enough to have to rely on actual care.
Eventually she quit eating and drinking water for a few days and we called an ambulance. It took a couple hours to convince her to consent to go to the hospital. She eventually did, and it led to her spending a month in a traditional bed and two months in a psychiatric ward. When she was discharged she was maybe 75% her original self, enough to live on her own if she continued to take her medication and make appointments.
I saw signs of a relapse a few months ago and struggled to get her to doctor visits. Eventually found out she quit taking medication. She has since refused to enter her home out of fear that it's haunted, and instead has been alternating staying with my sister and I. Once again she has refused to eat or drink and has begun to wither away, all while denying any kind of sickness or change in her behavior. She's barely able to walk and has fallen several times. Also hasn't bathed in three weeks. I've tried forcing her, even made a nice bath with candles and music, anything that would entice her to fix her hygiene.
I brought her to the ER tonight, after a couple hours of convincing, only to have her downplay every problem she has. She wouldn't admit to falling, said she was still eating, basically told the doctor she was in perfect health aside from being slightly dehydrated.
I'm 35, have a three year old and don't have a spare room for her to sleep in. I can't continue to try and take care of her while she refuses to do basic things like eat. She's only 63, not even old enough for Medicare, it seems so early to think about assisted living. Is that the only choice I have left? I don't want my daughter to have to watch her grandma starve to death in my living room.
She has the means to live in a decent place. Has a $400k house paid off and several hundred thousand more in retirement. We still don't have a diagnosis of what's causing this. It's ranged from psychotic depression to signs of dementia based on white matter in an MRI scan.
What should I do?
Neurological, psychiatric or (most likely, I suppose) a combination of the two, it seems that the layman's term for your mother's condition is "mad as a hatter." The one thing that must be certain is that neither you nor your sister is qualified to give her the treatment or care that she needs.
She was able to stay the night and will be meeting with a psychologist before potentially being discharged. Our hope is she will be committed again, it really helped her last time. If she's sent home (where she has refused to stay for almost two months now), I don't know what to do. I can't take care of her anymore. I guess leave her there and call APS.
Your mom is an adult. While it is of course very disturbing to see these behaviors, it is neither in your power nor your duty to "fix" them.
Tall to the psychiatric team about what level of professional care she needs. Unless she has been declared incompetent, you only have the ability to suggest what she should do; you cant force her into care.
There is a national organization that provides good instructional and support materials for folks with mental illness and their families, NAMI https://www.nami.org/find-your-local-nami
You can also call your local Area Agency on Aging which generally is relevant for people over the age of 60.