We found a very nice apartment in a memory care wing of a complex. I thought great, dad can get care, and his wife of 60 years can be with him and he with her. Of course neurotic mom will not have it. She will not be living in a place in a memory care unit, even though there are several couples in this wing that are doing it even though one spouse needs care. It really doesn't look any different than the plain assisted living floors, with the exception of a lock to prevent residents from leaving the wing alone. My mom could have a code so she could come and go. She could also take part in social activities in the independent living part of complex. She doesn't drive, so stores nearby to walk to. Now I have to drive her all the time to see my dad in a nursing home which I hate and don't want my dad to be in. He seems so alone. I would prefer his last stage of life is spent in a comfortable apartment with his wife. Still, she could leave, even go back to the house for a couple days, just a mile away, to get it ready to sell. She's not stuck in there. She could even take little getaways to visit her grandkids in other states and my dad would be taken care of. I believe she is so selfish for not being willing to do this. I have basically told her if she is not willing, she can forget about me giving her rides all the time. A friend suggested I just move my dad into the apartment, and my mom would visit and eventually get used to idea of staying there. I am so upset with my mom's selfishness over a vanity thing. Her own mom was widowed at age 60 after having been born and lived on the same farm all sixty years. She had to leave that home to move to the city to get a job to survive. That seems scary. My mom is being petty. Any ideas on how to coax her?
My Mom was in denial of her age. Heaven forbid any doctor who said "this is age related". She refused to use a walker. She even didn't want my Dad to use his walker when he was outside but he ignored her because he had enough falls on his driveway without the walker. Forget about caregivers or cleaning crews. Never, nope, nada.
I sometimes believe that one spouse becomes frighten of the future. And if the other is in Memory Care, this wasn't the retirement they had planned. And the at-home spouse will become angry at the ill spouse. Like how dare he do this to me.
What was sad was my Mom passed living her final 3 months in long-term-care due to a serious fall that her house. Dad then decided he wanted to move to Independent Living and was so happy there, said he wished he would have done this years earlier but he knew that my Mom wouldn't budge from their house. He felt she would have still been there with him if she did.
On the other side, could she be punishing him because he won't move when she wanted to, so there you go DH, choices and consequences.
Just my thoughts about how I would try to "persuade" mom.
Aka: manipulate😎
Can they personally afford to pay for both places if she refuses to budge? Sometimes I find if he can afford it, he can do it, keeps tons of stress off me and every bit counts.
I agree with everything Eyerishlass has said. She is absolutely right on all counts.
Yes, there are couples who live together in facilities because one spouse needs a higher level of care than the other spouse. But there are also couples who live apart. One lives in a facility and the other lives at home and visits the other spouse.
I have witnessed the desire in elderly people to not leave one's home and it is amazingly strong. Elderly people will come up with all kinds of hare-brained schemes to stay in their home. It's a desperate need.
We can't make someone do something they don't want to do. If your mom is competent she can make her own choices. If you don't drive her to the store how will she get there? How will she get what she needs? Is withdrawing your support the best way to make your mom do something she doesn't want to do?
Nursing homes are sad, I understand that. My dad was in one alone and it hurt me to see him there. Instead of spending your energy trying to come up with a plan to get your mom to move why not just accept that this is what she wants to do for now? Don't punish her by not driving her where she needs to go. It's revenge and that is petty.