She cannot tell me. I live 1000 miles away from my mother who is in a nursing home and not doing well. There are three sisters, of which I am the youngest with a large age gap. One of the sisters lives near my mother with her family and is the primary caregiver. The other sister lives 5 hours away, and I have figured out that she is being updated regularly, so I know it’s not an issue of being too busy.
About a year ago I started a new job which I had to wait 12 months to earn a week of vacation. By the time I had gotten to my one year anniversary, the company was sold and for the past two months is going through a restructuring. Basically I have been told no vacation until this is over unless it’s a family emergency. I can’t afford to fly, so going for a weekend won’t work, plus I know from my last visit this won’t really be enough time to help out. So a weeklong visit is really the best option at this point, but not really available just yet.
The caregiving sister rarely answers my calls and hardly ever calls me back, and text messages often go unanswered. I usually try and contact her or my mother about once a week to see how she is, so I am in no way being a pest. I used to call my mother much more often, every day at one point, but since her health is failing talking on the phone is a strain for her. When I do get my sister on the phone she is often abrupt with me, and when I have tried to explain why I haven’t been able to get up there yet, she is basically done with our conversation. I have offered a time or two to help out with phone calls and arranging things when I can get her on the phone, but she basically brushes me off.
I feel like I am being shut out. I am hoping to be able to visit soon, but honestly am dreading seeing my sister after her behavior towards me, and am not sure how to navigate this. I know she is under a lot of pressure being the main caregiver. I have thanked her for her care of my mother and I know she is in great hands. I would gladly have my mother in my town, but even the suggestion of that would be met with disgust in the family, as family visits have almost always been one way….me going to them. I feel like this lack of contact is intentional, and is intended to punish. I am frustrated because I feel like we are all adults, and any disagreements should be put behind us when dealing with this type of situation. I have never questioned any of my sister’s decisions regarding my mother’s care, and have only expressed gratitude for what information has been given to me. Any advice?
Sometimes with a large age difference between siblings, like 20 years, there seems to be a generation gap. The baby of the family will always be the *baby* even if they are independent and out in the working world.
See, she's kind of STUCK with the caregiving -- because she lives there. You don't. So you can't be blamed, especially -- MOST especially -- in your current situation. But she doesn't care. She's still carrying the lion's share of the responsibility and is probably close to burnout.
Unless your mom can't answer the phone -- or can't talk on it -- I think you should show your support by calling her more often than once a week. If she can talk on the phone once a week? She can talk on the phone three times a week. I also think you could send her cute cards at least once a week. She'll enjoy them. If she can't touch you in person more often, at least let her 'touch you' in a card and phone calls.
Your making phone calls for your sister makes no sense in my book. By the time she's explained the purpose, who to call, what to do and why? She can just make the call herself. But you can gift her an Olive Garden $50 gift card once a month along with an appropriate card to express your gratitude for her hard work.
Get your updates from your other sister. She's apparently updating her. That's enough. She's busy. Talk to your other sister. If you have a BIG question? Then call your sister. And whenever you talk to her? Before you hang up the phone? Tell her what a yeoman's job she's doing and that if she can think of ANYTHING you can do to ease her load, to let you know.
I fully understand that it can be a strain talking to one's parent when their health is failing. My Mom is 97, in good health, but our conversation is less than one minute because Mom is almost deaf, even though I try to get Mom to hear at least one word, example I say *rain* and she can understand that and she will talk about the weather.
As for your work, merging of two companies is a logistic nightmare, so I understand fully why you need to be at work during this time frame. I know you are doing the best you can.