I would need pages and pages to describe the nature of my mum. She is the most difficult person to deal with. Extremely negative, manipulative, and stubborn. Since dad died 5 years ago, I have been supporting her in her home 50 miles away. She has made it clear that she believes that her children should take her in. They owe it to her. I work full time and so does my husband. We still have on child in college. At least a decade ago, I pleaded with my parents to move closer to me. We offered an addition (paid for by them) to our home. My sibling offered his home as well. mom would not do it. She said it would make her feel "unwelcome" to be made to live in an "addition", she just wants to move into our home. Anyway, I have enough horror stories to fill a book. Suffice it to say, my husband does not under any circumstance want my mother in our home. I feel the same way but feel like I would feel less guilt if I offered a trial to prove to her that it just won't work out. What do you all think?
I can't believe your story. I have experience with special needs families and I know how hard you must work with your son. Your mom should have NEVER considered asking to come live with you. That is ridiculous. Thank God you stood strong. And I will definitely heed your words. I know that I would be a slave to my mom and to my house. My husband and I have sacrificed for so long providing our children with private educations. Seriously, we could have bought a yacht with all the tuition we have paid since preschool. But now, when we can breath a little, not have copious amounts of debt added to our already burdensome debt, we have my mom and his that are constantly demanding our time and attentions. It's not so bad with his mom who is AL. She still has doctors appointments and other care needs but at least she is taken care of 24/7 at the AL. It's the "you owe me" attitude that really gets to me. Why? They sacrificed for us, they provided for us? Yep. And we did the same for our children.
I also said if we took her home then there would be mom plus my husband & I in hospital in a short time - we turned down 24/7 care to keep our sanity - we must honour our parents but not kowtow to their unreasonable demands or ideas that are out of date - it used to be that nursing homes were for those without loved ones who care but the improvements are such that loved ones are safer there than with family
Mom was much worse than we thought according to the tests [I stood outside while one was administered] - a former artist couldn't draw a clock at 2:40 -
I miss my Mom as the person inhabiting her body is not the same I grew up with however she still has enough mind to carry a conversation for a bit - enjoy the memories of the old 'mom' while you deal with the new inhabitant of her body - sort old photos helps trigger my memories of 'old mom' that helps to keep things in perspective
My mom had a fall that broke C2 vertebrae which gave her concussion & swelling went into her brain - now in wheelchair - this is not of her choice nor any person in family but we can't go back in time to correct mistakes that happened - we just have to deal with our 'hand as it was dealt'
DO NOT TAKE A PARENT INTO YOUR HOME IF YOUR CIRCOMSTANCES WILL NOT SUPPORT IT LONG TERM - if you get backed in corner then never allow then to use your address as theirs even if you need to rent & pay for a mail box so they have a different address which will prevent much of what prior people said because with a different mailing address you can evict them at any time as they are guests not tennants - say that is for them to keep some independence from you but it will really be the opposite - good luck we all feel for you - from those who have been there & done that ....kudooos to all above who said it so well
Finally, I got a lot of therapy and was able to just tell her, NO. The first time it took 3 weeks, so don't get discouraged, just keep trying.
Some thoughts. You have already told her she can't move in. If she is on the phone and even starts to talk about it, just say, "Love you mom, I have to go, bye" and hang up. Don't try to reason with her, don't try to explain, you have already been down that street.
I love the idea on the meds about calling a cab. I would put $25.00 in correct change for mom to call a cab and go to the store. I even wrote on the envelope how much to give the cab driver. She wouldn't use a cab. So, she had to wait for me to come on my weekly visit.
When she would start on something I didn't want to hear, I would just say, "I have to go out for a minute" and leave. One day, she said very sarcastic, "Oh, you DON'T want to HEAR THAT". I said "YEP".
It takes time, keep on keeping on. You didn't get the guilt over night, you won't get over it overnight. Do as you are doing. Read the posts from these wonderful people who know what they are talking about. Don't listen to her. Hang Up. If she calls back, don't answer.
Hugs to you and to your husband.
re bullying.
If she is insisting dont give in. Tell her your not discussing subject any more. You will help her find a place closer. No she will never settle on one.
Find a place assisted living offers graduated care good idea. Does she qualify for senior housing put her on list. I suggest you and sibling arrange POA and
surrogate for her now subject
prior to her relocating .
Think how tough cookie will be
later.
Find a place find two be blunt she has her choice one or other. Yes take your visit to once a month that is her third choice to stay where she is.
Stick to your guns.
I would try find a place that eventually will use her medicalfor payments is
assocated with skilled care that way when that decision ready to
Think how tough cookie is going to be later made arrangements now. While shes willing to
Really, if the husband says no, the answer is no. He is more important in his house than your mother is. It is your and his home.
As difficult as she is at a distance she will be more so close.
If she has always been difficult she will only get more so.
She does not want to live in an addition...
She did not want to move in with another of her children....
Who will be the one to say "this trial did not work out" and now you have to find another place.
You KNOW no place you tour will be good enough.
At this point tell her you CAN NOT have her move in as you have family obligations that would make it impossible.
You can offer to help her find someplace near where she is now or closer to where you live. those would be the ONLY 2 options she should be given.
She may be surprised that she might like community living...think of all the other people that she can commiserate with that have been "dumped", "ignored", "abandoned" by their families! They could have a gripe fest every morning over coffee. And if she decides on a place close to you you can visit and she will then be able to brag that at least her family comes to visit....
I am caring for my mother and gave done for over 10 years. But she has always been a loving person and this hardship was one I was not resistant to taking on.
After my mother passes, I am considering being a dementia care consultant to help others in similar straits. The more I read here, the more I think we all need more help.
Here is an example of setting boundaries that I posted on another thread,
Mother - “I get so sad when you and your sister don’t come see me. I get very lonely, you know.”
Daughter - “Why don’t you go out more, mom? Make some friends.”
Mother “Oh, I’ve tried. Nobody likes an old lady like me. You two are my children. You’re supposed to take care of me.”
Daughter -“We do.”
Mother - “No, you don’t. I spend so much time alone. You have no idea how hard it can be sometimes.”
Daughter - “Mom, I love you and will always be here when you need me. But you are still responsible for your own loneliness. Jennifer and I are not the only solution to all of your problems.”
The old family guilt situation. --Sound familiar to anyone?
Please learn about detaching -
"Learning how to detach with love will revolutionize your life and relationships. People in difficult relationships have trouble separating themselves from other people’s actions and reactions. Everything other people do affects them at some level: emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. They take the blame thrown at them. They feel responsible for the other person’s choices. They are upset by the moods. They adjust their actions based on the accusations and threats. They allow their lives to be turned upside down by the crises. They bail the person out and attempt to fix things that aren’t theirs to fix. They are constantly reacting to the other person instead of living their own lives.
Detaching is about separating yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually from other people and what they do."
from changemyrelationship.com
((((((((hugs))))) You can do it!
A few years ago I bought some perennials at Home Depot. They have a one year guarantee. I kept my receipt. When some of them failed to reemerge the next year I took my receipt back and asked for a refund. I was asked for the dead plants. Yea, right I keep dead plants!
I replied "You don't say that on your guarantee sign". For the next 20 minutes those were the only words I said. Even when the manager was called for back up I simply kept repeating "You don't say that on your guarantee sign"--like a parrot.
A small crowd had gathered to watch the "battle of wills". I either wore the employees down or they were embarrassed at the scenario. By facing up to two people who acted as if I was stealing their lunch money and sticking to my guns, I got my money back.
I doubt that you will be able to embarrass your mother into backing down but stick to YOUR guns. Just keep telling yourself "Yes Mother, you can move in with us--the minute Hell freezes over."
You can't control what your mother thinks or wants but you can control what you think or want. I assuming that you want to keep your husband around. One choice is living alone with only a selfish 90 year old woman, who may live for another 10 years, for company, and then living alone when she dies. If your husband goes, he will move on with his life and you will become emeshed in a Hell of your own making. The other choice is to believe that you and your marriage are more important than the wishes of a selfish old woman.
Repeat after me- "Mum, you know that I would have you to live with us in a heartbeat but -------- " then add whatever reason you can honestly give, and one that you can really believe. If you don't believe it, you will continue to be manipulated by this woman who is so frightened to be alone. It may not have a verb but the word "No" is a sentence.
Oh dear, as I read this it sounds as if I am preaching and telling you what to do. Not my intention. I just want to give you some support as you live through the horrible situation in which you find yourself, especially one which is not of your making.
I think that you already DO know what to do. You just need to get the message through to your mother. Parrot, parrot, parrot. Best wishes for strength and for success in getting a solution that you can live with.