I have a difficult relationship with my mom. Maybe even a non-existing one. When I barely turned 18, I found out I was pregnant. I told my mom on Christmas day and she threw me out of the house. I went from home to home while I was pregnant because I didn't have a steady place to stay. I was resentful she did that to me. During my pregnancy, I was a victim of domestic violence from the father of my baby. I had to get a restraining order against him. I left him when I was 6 months pregnant. The best decision I have ever made was leaving him. I was broke, depressed, and had a complicated pregnancy. I worked retail up until I gave birth. My mom didn't reach out to me to help or wonder what was going on with me. She said that I deserved to be treated bad by the father and that one day he was going to take my baby away. I put myself through college and finally started making money when I was 24 years old. I am now financially stable and my mom is financially struggling. I resent my mother very much for putting me through what I went through. I don't see her the same. She threw me out and as well as her unborn grandchild. To this day, has never said sorry or acknowledged what I went through or what she did to me. I feel that throwing me out of the house like she did, she was setting me up for failure. I needed her more during that time and she wanted nothing to do with me. I am also very mad at my family. Why didn't anyone stand up to my mom and say "HEY! This isn't right to do this to your pregnant daughter!" now at the age of 31 I am getting therapy to help with my past trauma and the anxiety I get around my mother. She is oblivious to the fact that she upsets me. I pity her sometimes because I want to yell at her about what I am feeling, but I might just give her a heart attack with my dark words.
She is now 72 and I see what type of person she is. Narcissistic and manipulative. She would ask me for money and make me feel bad if I didn't give it to her. I wouldn't realize until after the fact that she just manipulated me. With Therapy I can pin point when she is doing it in real time. She refuses to apply for social security benefits or Medicare because of some stupid belief they will take her home. She would rather ask me for money from me than get her retirement benefits she deserves. I feel used. She didn't care about me when I was financially struggling and working my butt off to get on my feet!! Why should I care about her!! During my years of struggling, her solution when we starting talking again after my baby was born (I reached out to her) was to take the baby away from me. She said that I was too young to care for a baby. She was going to try and file papers to take my baby away from me. I wasn't a bad mom. I was just a young mom struggling to make ends meet. Little did I know when I got older that the reason she wanted to take my baby away was because she would get some type of military or disability benefits for the baby from my dad. It was about money and still is!!
I try to limit my contact with her. When she calls and I see her name on my caller ID I get anxious and sometimes re-traumatized by her. We don't have a relationship so all she has is to ask me for stuff. Buy her this, get her a new phone, or buy her medicine. Fake herbal medicine BTW. Stuff you get at the swap meet or some weird online sites. She doesn't have health insurance to go to a real doctor because like I said she is afraid the government will take away her home.
After all these years and finally getting the help I need all I want is my mom to leave me alone and take care of herself. Is that so bad?! I will talk to her on my own terms, not when she wants to ask me for something. I feel like I'm only useful to her because I am making money and she wants her piece of the pie. I guess I am just ranting here. It is hard sometimes to take care or feel something other than resentment as she ages. She will need more care
" all I want is my mom to leave me alone and take care of herself. Is that so bad?"
No, that's is not so bad - but - here's the hitch - you can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself.
You can protect yourself from her calls, when (if) you do talk to her, you can say "No" to her demands. In fact you need to do that for your own sake and it may help her to become more independent.
Yes, eventually she will need more care. At the worst, she can become a ward of the state, The stress she is causing you is too much. By all means, set your terms and stick to them, You and your child need space from her. ((((((hugs))))), I wish I had set better boundaries sooner.
Your Mom is not the only person's parent on this site that is confused when it comes to Medicare and Medicaid.
Medicare and SS are earned. You pay into both of them when you work. Mom needs to file for SS. She will now get full SS. Now Medicare is a little different. If you don't sign up at 65, there are penalties when you finally do. I would not get involved with this but maybe you can find someone willing to take Mom to the SS office. If she was married for 10 yrs, she maybe able to get SS based on husband/exes SS. Call your local Office of Aging to see if they can help.
Medicaid, they do not take a home but they do apply a lean at time the person passes. So when the house is sold, they get reimbursed. If she receives Medicare, Medicaid becomes the secondary.
If Mom has no money, she is going to lose her house for nonpayment of taxes or mortgage, if she has one.
I would block Mom if her calls upset you this much. Change your phone number. 72 is not that old. Mom can take care of herself. I guess your therapist has already told you not to engage with her. So glad you have not given her money up to this point. Once you start, hard to stop. You owe this woman nothing. She left you to sink and swim.
I know we are suppose to forgive but we don't have to forget.
you did. Congratulations for becoming financially independent! I'm sorry your
Mom is so selfish and delusional, she has not been able to love and appreciate
you and your accomplishments.
It's so hard to comprehend that some parents wish to use and abuse their own
precious children, whether adult or minor, and want nothing more than to make
them totally dependent so they can use and abuse them at will. Some of this
can be unconscious, but the damage is pretty much the same.
That said, sounds like your Mom is mixing up Medicaid with Medicare and SS.
Help her get her facts straight and apply for her benefits. Absolutely do not
give her any more money. Those benefits are there for her to use, so you
are endangering your financial well being and also giving her power and control
over you that is dangerous to your health and happiness.
Personally, I'd stay away. Many of us here have been sucked in by the guilt tripping and have lost health, money, relationships, and career opportunities
living at the beck and call of our parents. Regardless of our efforts, we have
still been treated with abuse and disrespect. Sounds like you'll be in for the
same. Abusive narcissistic parents do not change when they're old, it's usually
more of the same, but this time with back breaking work and costly expenses.
Beware!!
I would tell this horrible woman EXACTLY how her terrible behavior hurt you and affected your life, then I would cut off ALL contact with her immediately and permanently. This (sadly) goes for your daughter too. She will try and use her too, at some point, just like she is trying to use you. After all, where was her love for her grandchild when she was in your womb?
Don't allow your child to be set up to experience the same pain she has caused you. At 12, she is old enough to understand the basics. Ask your therapist the best way to explain to her how your mother hurt you and let her know that you don't want her to hurt by this woman.
Good for you for succeeding despite her. Forgive her, for your sake, but NEVER forget, and just walk away. If you do, she will find a way to meet her own needs.
The good news is this: you and I have BROKEN the cycle of dysfunction that went on for who-knows-how-many generations before us? We do not, and will not, ever treat OUR children the way WE were treated. I have a good relationship with my 2 children because I invested myself in them...........I do not ask them for anything, nor do I plan to ask them for money, in home care, or any other such thing as I age. I'd prefer to end my own life before ruining theirs, do you know what I mean?
In any event, you are not 'wrong' to have the feelings you have. While I think our parents did the best they could for us, given their own dysfunctional upbringing, there is still resentment to deal with on our part. It's valid. The best thing we can do is minimize contact with them, and try to find forgiveness in our hearts. Forgiveness, by the way, is not for THEM, it is for US. Anger & resentment just eats up the soul and changes us for the worst. Easier said than done, and I'm STILL working on forgiveness after all these years, but I recognize the healing nature it would bring to ME.
Best of luck to you! Feel free to come here to 'rant' any time.........I think most of us can understand & empathize with what you're feeling. In many ways, we're all in the same boat. Remember to take care of YOU in the process, okay? Your mother is ENTITLED to Social Security benefits; she's PAID for them. Refusing to accept those benefits because of a paranoid delusion should not become YOUR problem! Suggest she contact an elder care attorney for a free consultation so HE or SHE can tell her how the cow chews the cud. Coming from you the info will be useless........coming from someone else it may be just what the doctor ordered!!
I do block my mothers calls. When I see her name on the caller ID I already know its because she wants something. I just recently started blocking her for days at a time and doing that feels awesome. I unblock her when I am ready to talk to my mom. My mother is ridiculous sometimes. She has called before just to say why don't I call her every day! Made me want to block her for even a longer period of time.
I avoided seeing my family this year for thanksgiving and for Christmas. I didn't feel like being personally attacked by them. She will need more care and that scares me. It is hard to help someone who won't help themselves. My mother and I have a cultural/language barrer that makes communicating with her difficult as well. Her english isn't that great and my spanish isn't that great so talking to her can be difficult. If I say in spanish I won't say it right and If i say in english she probably wont get it. "no" is very clear in any language but she doesn't understand either.
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