Mum has been living with me the past 5 years and we are looking at different aged care residences.
Mum has gotten used to me being around constantly obviously...
Lately Mum has been going into panic attacks when a respite worker comes over to take her out. This is to the point she starts experiencing chest pain, hyperventilating. She appears to talk about grief when this happens but I suspect she might be confusing her feelings with unfamiliarity. The most recent time I was actually scared if she’d pull through. She was holding her chest hyperventilating, crying, dry retching. The few words she’d get out were “she can’t move, can’t breathe" and a couple words about my late brother (her son). This happens once she’s alone with the respite worker. I tried distracting her and eventually we got her back inside the house. Note: she goes to grocery store with me all the time and is fine. Gets in the car, does her seatbelt.
Therefore, I think she is scared whenever I’m not around as the world is suddenly very confusing and no one speaks her language.
My worry is that when she goes into aged care, that the same will happen because I won’t be around.
She obviously needs to make a safe connection with someone and the surroundings, but I can just see it now... her going off into a panic attack, possibly hospital, etc. and I fear her body may not take too much of such pressure. For people that don’t speak her language, they are afraid she’s having a heart attack and it very well could get more serious if not calmed.
Do I need to overnight at the aged care when she first goes in? How does one go about it?
It might take a bit to get the correct medication and the right dose but it would help.
Does she know this person?
It might help if you were to stay with her for a while while she gets to know the caregiver. I know this sort of negates the purpose but it is important that she be comfortable. That may lessen the anxiety.
When you say "no one speaks her language" do you mean that literally or that no one knows how to calm her down?
If there is a language barrier when you begin to look for AL or MC look in areas that have a more dense population of native speaking residents. While it may be a further drive for you to visit she would probably be more comfortable.
I mean literally. We come from a small Nordic country and there is not one aged care here that provides service in her language. There’s only one interstate (particularly made for our language) but Mum can’t afford it. It was going to be 400k deposit and then daily fees (private, with no part gov funding). So when she goes to aged care here, she won’t be able to communicate and that’s part of the problem because the staff don’t understand her,... and need me.
I’ve sometimes thought if it would be better to fly her back to her home country with her language and free care but then I wouldn’t be there.
I am assuming here that Mom has these "attacks" other than when this "ONE" respite worker takes her out. Does she otherwise go out well and easily with those she knows because she may be developing agoraphobia. And have you tried other workers from Respite so you know that she hasn't rightly or wrongly formed some association with this particular worker?
I would not overnight. Adjustment often happens most readily when the person depended upon is not available. I would follow the advise and recommendation of the place when Mom is placed, and not overworry this now when you already have today's issue on your plate, which is Mom's current panic attacks.
This is something you can discuss with her MD as often there are VERY MILD antidepressants without side effects on mobility, that can be tried for Mom if her panic attack continue.
And as I say, all of this advice assumes that we are not dealing with FEAR of one person for whatever reason.
mum appears to somehow go down the path of grief when in presence of them but I’m not sure if she’s just confusing her thoughts. But that’s how it starts out. She starts talking about her late son making comments such as “the respite worker was there when her son passed”, “The respite worker knows her late son”, “The respite worker knows what happened” and so on. Off course none of this is true as my brother never had a respite worker and he passed overseas.
So I think it’s more fear / trust or she sees them as the angels of death or something. I think she’s definitely made some wrong association with them but how does one fix that when the person won’t remember if you correct them. Once Mum is convinced of something she keeps reverting to her way of thinking.
All of the aged care places we've looked at are rather large (again, finance plays a part as we need to take one that is part government funded).
When she goes in, there’s also a language barrier. No place here speaks her native tongue. We come from a small Nordic country.
theres only one place interstate that has our language but wholly private. It was 400k to purchase plus additional daily costs, sigh.
2. Purchase a little translator like world travelers use in various countries. Like this one (copy and paste):
https://www.pocketalk.com/product/pocketalk-plus/?variant=32982543532055¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsdiTBhD5ARIsAIpW8CKRmGn4RcloA7gLm50XGUMUR99NT_qsNNuouugM5GPvm_1-qAZkCzUaAholEALw_wcB
3. Anxiety medications
4. Perhaps Visiting Angels can provide care from a bilingual person?