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I can't stand the constant affection from my husband. He smothers me with hugs, kisses and wants to hang on ALL the time. I can manage the caregiving, but this haunting is making me crazy.
What is your husband’s affliction? Is it dementia or other mental issues? He may be looking for validation that even though you are his caregiver, you remember the way it used to be when you were newlyweds. Are you able to share with him how you feel? Justify his feelings by patting him on the hand when you pass, or rubbing his shoulder. Perhaps if you show him a little affection that will help him to see you still love him and care about him.
He has dementia and is 75 years old. we have been married for 49 years. I try to return affection with a hug and a kiss (too often for me) but he just wants more. I try not to be selfish but I am smothered.
He may be asking for more attention. That’s hard to believe when your entire being is focused on the person you are caring for. My husband is constantly saying hi to me whenever I come in the room. As soon as my behind leaves the chair, he is asking me where I’m going and/or what I’m doing. Even if I’m sitting quietly with my tablet, he will ask what I’m doing. Sometimes I think they just want us to focus on them, even for a few seconds of hugs or kisses. On some level, they know they aren’t who they used to be and they need validation that they’re still important as they used to be to us. WE know they are, but maybe they aren’t sure. Give him some one in one time daily. Children’s board games are great for dementia sufferers.
Oh my goodness, I feel like I give him attention 90% of my time all day. Like you he is always asking where I am going and he follows me like a shadow. He stand very near me while I prepare dinner, sits near me while I work on computer, goes with me to do errands (can't leave him home anyway), wants to get into shower. I know there is no solution but to live with it. I know there is solution and I need to just live with it. thank you for answering.
Joannona, I feel your pain!! We are in the same situation. We shower together. He hoovers while I cook. He wants to help. I give him a pile of kitchen towels to fold. The next time, I mess up the same towels so that he can be occupied. A feather duster keeps him occupied for a few minutes.
You are right, you need to just live with it. Once I accepted that his actions come from fear of abandonment, it became easier to accept. He was a wonderful husband. I decided that my job is to make him comfortable for his final illness. It sucks, but when I can get my brain into the right place, it's all good. I hope you can too. Blessings, Jamie
Maybe you can do things to wear him out like working outdoors or taking long walks. Erma Bombeck used to write about young brides waxing the driveway. Maybe older ones could work that in. The long walks would help you release stress and maybe reduce his anxiety as well? I know my aunt went through a phase where she wanted to kiss and hug all the time and it passed. Perhaps this is a stage for him as well.
I suppose there are probably those out there who would trade you for their problem which is lack of affection from the husband. But, I can see where you are coming from. My Hubs always needs to know where I am 24/7. "Call me when you get there!" he always says. If I don't.............I get the lecture. He wants to go into the doctor's office with me when I go. Not just the waiting room. The actual examining room. By the way, my husband doesn't suffer from dementia or any other mental problem that I am aware of. :P
Be very careful what you wish for - God does answer prayers.
My DH was "sexually active" until his cancer at age 80 - the chemo killed the ability but he still had the wanting. I explained to him that we were still intimate, even when the act was not completed.
Today, at 96, he has reached the stage of sleeping 16-20 hours daily. I would love for him to follow me around the house and go on errands with me, even just to wait in the car - but sadly, those days are gone.
I understand the feeling of 'smothering' but would you really prefer it if he did nothing but sleep on the couch 16-20 hours daily?
Be careful what you wish for.
@Gershun - I would give anything if DH could remember how to use the phone - I'd be glad to call him to check on him when I have to do some shopping. But alas, that too is gone.
I, too, am dealing with a husband who suddenly has become all touchy-feely. He was not this way before dementia nor when his dementia first presented itself. I have so little space to call my own and now my personal space is being invaded. I have taken to help,myself by sitting at our little dining table for at least half of the evening instead of next to him on the small sofa. I get up,every 15 minutes, go over to him & hug him telling him I love him. Then later in the evening I go sit next to him & endure the touching. Sometimes I take his hand & hold it tight & say isn’t this lovely to be holding hands. I may have found some coping skills that work for me but it does only a little to ease some of the resentment I feel that I have one more thing to adjust to. Sound Selfish? Then I’m guilty.
Hyper sexuality is or can be a result of the dementia. Has he been diagnosed with a particular form of dementia or has it been lumped under "dementia" or "Alzheimer's"? I think it is more common in some forms of dementia and not in others I think it is Frontotemporal Dementia that this is more common.
You can talk to his doctor next time you are there.
You can also "make time" and schedule a cuddle session that will work for you. I know this can be a challenge with all that has to be done. Not to mention the fact that once you become a caregiver for your spouse it changes the dynamics of the relationship. (It is difficult to get lovey dovey after you have changed his briefs) But you both need this time and take it from me..you will miss the kisses, the hugs and the hand holding once it all stops. See if a scheduled snuggle time will help him. It could be after lunch, once you get him into bed at night, anything that works into your schedule. You could even write the schedule on a dry erase board if that will help him focus.
I am in the same boat. Hubby has always been more "hands on" than I am. He feels that our marriage is in jeporady if we don't have physical affection several times daily. His world has become so small and I am the focus. He wants to be in the same room, follows me around, calls out to me, has anxiety if I'm gone for more than a couple of hours. It is so important that you get some down time and take care of yourself. Have resources so you can leave your partner in day care, with a trusted sitter, family, friends, neighbors, or home health care. You must be able to continue your health and well being to care for the person living with dementia. Everyone deserves a break.
Thank You all for responding....amazing how many others are going thru similar things. I just joined this morning &feel like I stepped away from isolation into a community
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I feel your pain!! We are in the same situation. We shower together. He hoovers while I cook. He wants to help. I give him a pile of kitchen towels to fold. The next time, I mess up the same towels so that he can be occupied. A feather duster keeps him occupied for a few minutes.
You are right, you need to just live with it. Once I accepted that his actions come from fear of abandonment, it became easier to accept. He was a wonderful husband. I decided that my job is to make him comfortable for his final illness. It sucks, but when I can get my brain into the right place, it's all good. I hope you can too.
Blessings,
Jamie
www.agingcare.com/articles/an-inside-take-on-dementia-behaviors-197990.htm
www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parent-follows-around-the-house-141132.htm
My DH was "sexually active" until his cancer at age 80 - the chemo killed the ability but he still had the wanting. I explained to him that we were still intimate, even when the act was not completed.
Today, at 96, he has reached the stage of sleeping 16-20 hours daily. I would love for him to follow me around the house and go on errands with me, even just to wait in the car - but sadly, those days are gone.
I understand the feeling of 'smothering' but would you really prefer it if he did nothing but sleep on the couch 16-20 hours daily?
Be careful what you wish for.
@Gershun - I would give anything if DH could remember how to use the phone - I'd be glad to call him to check on him when I have to do some shopping. But alas, that too is gone.
I think it is more common in some forms of dementia and not in others I think it is Frontotemporal Dementia that this is more common.
You can talk to his doctor next time you are there.
You can also "make time" and schedule a cuddle session that will work for you.
I know this can be a challenge with all that has to be done.
Not to mention the fact that once you become a caregiver for your spouse it changes the dynamics of the relationship. (It is difficult to get lovey dovey after you have changed his briefs)
But you both need this time and take it from me..you will miss the kisses, the hugs and the hand holding once it all stops.
See if a scheduled snuggle time will help him. It could be after lunch, once you get him into bed at night, anything that works into your schedule. You could even write the schedule on a dry erase board if that will help him focus.