My dad has been in AL for 6 months. Until now, I've been using the softer method whenever he asks about going back to his home, such as "no dad, not right now, the doctor says you are not ready" or " no dad, only if you improve physically then we can discuss and see if we can consider it.”
The problem is, he is too smart, and his dementia is not too bad and so he will hold on to memories he wants to hold on too. So, the topic keeps coming up. Tonight, he said, " I've been here 6 months and I have improved physically, why can’t I go home, and can’t we tell me doctor we will set it up in a safe way?"
So, I decided on the spot that the way to go is what Alva Deer recommends, blunt honesty. I told him that he really has not improved physically, he can barely walk with a walker for 5 mins before getting tired, that he has lost function of his dominant right hand, that his memory and dementia is actually worse than it was 6 months ago, and for all of these reasons plus my own limitations, going home is not possible without getting together an army of caretakers at home that I will not agree to manage and set up, and is likely not practical as some of them will quit once they see how he is. I told him flat out " it’s just not possible that you will ever return home."
The response was not as bad as I thought. He was quite disappointed, but then I changed the subject to some things going on in the next week that he must do… and we left it at that.
I'm sure he will test the limits again. But a path has been crossed - now I'm bound to total honesty to tell him “Dad, at this stage, we have crossed a line and you won’t ever be going back to your own home or any other "house" setting."
You have been patient with your dad by giving him time to adjust.
You recognized what isn’t working for you and tried a different approach and found success.
Very happy for you!
Honesty takes bravery. When younger I never realised how brave middle aged 'kids' had to be.. or how much the elderley needed bravery & stamina to face their future.
Clear. Concise.
And more important YOU included YOUR limitations not just his. That way you are showing that you do have limits and when you have to set more boundaries it might be easier. I say might because with dementia you never know how much he will retain and if he does for how long.
👋👋👋👋
I am so glad this went relatively well, Strugglin. You are right he may circle round again, but you will just repeat the truth. Tell him you know it's tough to accept. Tell him it hurts you to tell him. But it is a fact. And life is FULL of unhappy facts hitting us up the side of the head at a moment's notice. We have to roll with the punches; they never stop coming.
Good for you.