When mother in law lived with daughter we would pick up her up for a few hours on the weekend (every other) so my sister in law would get a break. Since the mother in law has been here for a month we haven't done nothing as a couple and today when I asked about it he said when it is deserved. (meaning when I support him for the decision HE made). If I would been at at the meeting where it was decided she move here, I would have raised that question of us getting a break from her and who would help US out. He raises my blood pressure.
How is it going? Are YOU doing 90% of the care and he doesn't see it and doesn't think you need a break?
Not being part of the decision to bring a parent home to live with you and you weren't a PART of that?? Wow, my Dh tried to do that with me with his dad. Luckily I caught wind of it and put the kibosh on it immediately.
I think you have a lot of resentment about this decision and I don't blame you.
Plan something and ask him along. If he chooses not to go, that's on him. My DH takes a LOT of personal time ad after 43 years, I just don't care.
YOUR advice is VERY WISE. I admire you for it.
I don't know what your support system is. Do you have children, hopefully in another state who would like a visit for a month or more? Can you explore now moving out on your own; I would have a legal separation and division of assets, myself. I would live on my own. I would offer love and support when willing and able, and I would make my own life.
I wonder, as Midkid does, who is doing the care, the cooking, the cleaning, the visiting.
It is your life. THIS is your ONE life. It is up to YOU now. He had a choice--include you or don't include you. He made his choice. Now it is time for you to make YOUR choice. I am in no wise suggesting this will be easy. I have not divorced one, but twice, and the first time with young children involved. I was terrified. But the choice in both cases was clear to me.
Wishing you good luck. You can embrace this new life and his Mom along with it, or you can make your own new life. He has not left you any other choices. Staying, and whining and punishing him will get no one anywhere at all. It will just be a dreadful, droning life of ugly habits, making all in the household miserable forever.
Gaslight 101. Hi Alva!
Time to make a decision about YOUR future.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-husband-decided-at-a-meeting-with-his-sisters-that-his-90-year-old-would-come-live-with-us-i-am-s-452002.htm
I checked and see that you didn't post on that thread, so I doubt if you were aware of how this situation developed. Thought you might want to know.
These are excerpts from Somewhere's post on that first thread; they help put the situation in perspective:
"meeting was called where it was decided without me knowing because I worked that day.I had forgot they met until husband said they were pricing stair lift.. * * * ...when I asked why the ddecision was made without me he said he knew I didn't support the decision."
Somewhere, there have been a number of similar posts here over the years, and generally they take the same route. A woman struggles with her conscience, her self esteem, self preservation instincts and her loyalty to a husband who doesn't reciprocate, and sometimes treats her like a doormat.
It's a very, very challenging dilemma to make the decision to leave, whether permanently or for a short time. It might help if you can find a support group for battered and abused women. While your husband may not engage in physical abuse, from what you wrote in your first post, he is engaging in emotional abuse, and disrespect.
Unfortunately, negative and mandatory subservience as well as no respect for women attitudes have surged b/c of a specific political situation. Male chauvinist pigs are coming out openly and denigrating women. And, equally unfortunately, many women are dressing and acting in manners that play into those disgusting attitudes.
You have quite a challenge before you: restoring your self esteem so you can make a decision for YOU, then finding a way to act on it.
You don't ask to do something with him; you TELL HIM you're doing something, then leave and go do it.
And you need to do that soon before you begin to acquiesce to this unbalanced arrangement. You, and only you, can make the changes that need to be made to retain your self respect.
Do you want to suffer medical consequences b/c he raises your blood pressure? And, equally important, do you think he would take care of you if/when you become ill? Think about that - think very, very seriously.
I wish you luck; this is probably the most challenging stage of your life, but to acquiesce will make you a slave to him for the rest of your life.
this is a problem for your marriage. Does he really value his Mom above you? It sure sounds like it. And then, he is gaslighting you ontop,of it? No...this is NOT your problem. this marriage has real problems because of HIS behavior.
I suggest you get counselling. Couples, if you can get him to go....but, maybe if you must do it single....just for you ...find out why you are willing to stay and put up with this marriage?
He must not valu the 'date-nite' thing, which means his mother is more important than u are, (I'd guess).
Sorry to presume that, but I've been the 'devalued wife'...(for 24 yrs). Bummer.
Ot has it always been his way or the highway?
Do you want something to change? If so, YOU are the one who has to change.
You can't change HIS behavior.
This is why you needed to make the decision together. So u could sit down and hash things out. Such as, u having a fulltime job. What kind of support is he looking for? You to take over care when u come home or just support his decision? U weren't at the meeting. You have no idea what his siblings said. Did they guilt him?
She is there and probably can feel ur not happy about it. Is that fair to her? Can't change the past, so u move on from there. You now need to think, what am I willing to do to help. Are there resources that u can take advantage of. If Mom has money, use it. If not get Medicaid to evaluate her for homecare. Even a few hours a day she gets bathed and maybe DH can get out of the house. There are things I am sure u can do to make his load lighter but in the end she is his responsibility. You are suppose to be a team.
If you can't come to a compromise, maybe its time to leave. Personally, I could not live this way.
Go see a divorce lawyer on Monday morning.
MIL has SS and is eligible for Medicaid, right?
You have some serious decisions to make, and only you can make them. But if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
Also consider talking to a councellor/therapist to discuss your own needs & help plan YOUR future life. DH has chosen to spend his with his Mofher it seems.
I think you have 2 choices here. To either accept the situation or to leave the home and the husband, either via separation or divorce. What you shouldn't do is stew over this and create such a level of anger and resentment that you'll get sick and ruin your life even further. If your marriage is worth saving, in your estimation, maybe you can find forgiveness in your heart for his boorish and thoughtless behavior, I don't know. That would be asking too much for most women, but.......
I think you can have a chat with your sister in law about giving you respite care for MIL. In any event, you're going to have to have a serious talk with your husband about how to handle all of this moving forward if you choose to stay with him. He's mad at you, you're mad at him, and meanwhile, communication shuts down even further. We on this forum are not going to be able to truly help you out of this mess.....only open and honest communication between you, your husband and his sister can help find some sort of workable solution here.
I'd like you to remember that you are valuable. Your opinion matters. You have rights in your own home, regardless of whether they're being recognized or not. You have a voice. Use it. And best of luck in navigating the future you choose for yourself.
Lealonnie, I think she should stay in HER house, b/c if she leaves, and if she is truly sole owner, it might be considered abandonment of her property. I'm not current on those kinds of title issue laws, but I think that it's dangerous to just physically leave her house while allowing someone who apparently has no vested title interest to remain there.
That's another question, to which I have no answers: i.e., whether over the course of their marriage he acquired any rights to the property besides that of a tenant (which would require that he be legally evicted).
Another issue is that of making unauthorized alterations to the house, whether or not he paid in full for the alterations, and if not, whether the unauthorized alterations give rise to liens against the property.