That’s what I felt and that’s what I said. While trying to move a box, I fell backwards and was not hurt, more startled than anything. My husband with Alz, got mad and jutting out his hand and said “get up” with such venom, I said no, just get away from me. Of course, then he turns and says I am so mean to him and walks off having a tantrum, leaving me on the floor!
He is still in the early stages…I have so much worse yet to come. I am the one who fell, and my husband acted as if I did something wrong, then has the audacity to claim I hurt his feelings, and he leaves me on the floor.
How can I keep my temper in check? On the plus side, he won’t remember I told him I hated him, of course, I don’t hate him, I just hate Alzheimer’s. It’s just he and I, so no other family to help out. I just get so tired of doing EVERYTHING, only to be either ignored or treated badly.
He is very self sufficient still…it’s just his hateful attitude. After falling today, I wonder what would happen if I had a real medical emergency? Would he just look at me with disdain while I’m turning blue? It’s just scary and I don’t have any answers or any control.
The only thing you can do is realize that this will continue to happen. It will get worse. He can't help it, it is the part of his brain that is damaged.
You have to learn to laugh. Yup. Even when you would least expect it. I found that a good belly laugh would stop my Husband in his tracks and then he would start laughing, forgetting what was going on, or what he was fixated on at the time. Making it easier to redirect him or diffuse the situation. Not easy to laugh sometimes but pretty soon a "forced" laugh becomes real especially when the whole situation is or seems ridiculous.
I will add this. My Husband was NEVER violent. Had he been it would not have been safe for me to keep him at home. That is one of the reasons that I established "my" break point. I always said if it became unsafe for ME to keep him at home I would have to place him. If it ever became unsafe for HIM for me to keep him at home I would have to place him. So for me it was completely based on safety. (I include not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety)
I think it's very important for you to formulate a plan for the future. To place him in managed care of some kind if things get bad and you can't manage him at home anymore. Even if you don't actually place him, just having the plan to do so allows your mind an escape route and thereby, a way to calm down. There's nothing worse than feeling trapped, in my opinion, to have panic attacks and feel hopelessly desperate.
Then go talk to an elder care attorney about your options down the road, about your financial situation, about Medicaid and the Look back period in your state, etc. S/he can guide you accordingly and help relieve your mind of more concerns. More plans = less stress.
This is what I did in 2014 on behalf of my parents after dad fell and broke his hip. Assisted Living followed. My mother is now 95 with advanced dementia living in Memory Care Assisted Living and brutally mean and nasty to me, the only child and only person in her life that's cared for her for 64 years aside from dad who died in 2015. The elder care attorney advised me about Medicaid requirements back in 2014 and now mom will be out of money soon, so I know what to do next, thank God.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and sending you a hug of understanding and empathy. See if you can find DH daycare so you have some downtime for yourself. Don't lose yourself in the quagmire of caregiving which we see happen here ALL the time.
One thing I learned from someone on this forum is that he will mirror my moods. If I become angry, he becomes very stubborn and refuses to shower, eat, etc. If I manage to stay calm, he will do whatever I ask. I pray every day for patience and kindness.
He was a wonderful husband and father. Now he does not remember our children or grandchildren. I don't think he remembers me. I'm just here all the time. This forum is a wonderful place to vent and to get advice. It has kept me from "sticking my head in the oven" many times.
Take care of yourself and hire some help if you can. I have a lady from an agency come three times a week for four hours each time. It gives me a little time to get away for a few hours. I look forward to that "me" time. Dementia is an awful diagnosis because your person is pretty much gone. (((((Hugs to you))))
Nevertheless, I need to be more aware of my moods. I never thought that my mother may be mirroring my moods. When I get frustrated with her I often let it show and I need to put more effort into overcoming the urge to reveal how I'm feeling.
Thanks for your post.
Many of the entries included the statement, "I don't like her." Here was a place I could put it all down without holding back. My 96 year old mother has lived with me for a year and a half. I have told her on several occasions that she's a Diva. She doesn't argue.
Of course you don't hate your husband, but hate the situation you are faced with and came to a point where your feelings came pouring out. I think we have all been there. I have blown my top at my mother only to receive a bewildering look from her.
I don't know if writing in a journal will help you, but I find it a great relief to be able to "say" everything I'm thinking and feeling, good, bad, and ugly.
God Bless us all who have taken on the task He has given us - serve others.
Only it’s my 91 year old mom that lives in my home & I am her caregiver. My only sibling( older brother) passed away in 2017. My mom lives in my home with me & my hubby.She has sundowners. So after dark, her behavior changes. She becomes aggressive with me. She will argue with me & will sometimes throw items. She often tells my husband how much she appreciates him & thanks him when he does something. Nothing said to me. Its tough, I take it personally. I know she’s not always aware. Sadly she’s my sole responsibility, I can’t count on anyone. It gets very overwhelming, even with my hubby helping.
My husband reassured me, that she will not remember her behavior or being mean. It’s very tough. Her social worker & mine have also told me that she sees me more as her “maid” than daughter. Soon we are getting her placed into an assisted living facility. It’s the best as she will have care 24/7. Also so I can regain my role as daughter.
Only advice I can suggest “ endure best you can “
Hope you stay healthy and have happiness.
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