I feel blessed compared to many of the stories I've read in this forum. My situation is that I feel stretched to the breaking point in dealing with my 91 year old mother. Let me say, she never complains about her physical ailments and SHE worries about ME. But she has low vision, is very hard of hearing, is a cardiac patient with a pacemaker, and shows early signs of dementia. These are but a few of her issues. I feel my life revolves around her care. She lives independently in a senior center. Soon she will need assisted living. All she does is complain to me about the other residents. She brings up stories of the past as if they are now taking place. She talks unceasingly about past resentments of hers. I see her about 3-4 times a week (it's a 70 mile round trip) and speak to her on the phone every day. This is hurting my marriage. And I hate to burden my married daughter with MY complaining about it. But inside, I have pains in my stomach. My mom is lonely and bored and my plate is FULL. Sorry, but I just needed to vent to someone!
I don't see how you can stop your mom from her incessant talking. What keeps popping up in my head is - to Lovingly Detach from her. Set Boundaries of what you are willing to do for her. If you're talking on the phone daily is one hour, why not limit it down to 30 minutes since you're already visiting her 3-4 times a week? Or try to distract her when she starts talking? Sometimes it works with father, sometimes not.
I think with your mom and the stresses she's bringing on to you... I have read over and over on this site that the husbands are not as patient about hearing their wives complain over and over of the same thing. They have found that venting here has helped them a lot! No need to vent to their husband.
There is a thread that I go to regularly to Vent about Me and my frustrations with father and oldest sis. Because I'm a regular, the other posters know me and I don't need to keep bringing up my history. It's the: Caregivers: How are YOU?
I do know that a lot of posters do not find this thread as Their thing. They find more help just from hopping from one thread to another. And that is their thing. I do both. I cannot just stick to one thread. One learns soooo much from hopping around. Take care... and I hope you get different ideas of how to handle your mother.
A suggestion for booklvr Earphones!!!!!!. Put them on and get on your computer and you are in another world.
Guilt is a useless emotion especially among us caregivers. We do the very best we can balancing our lives and being the one person responsible for keeping another human being alive. It's too much to ask but we rise to the occasion and do it anyway, successfully for the most part. If we break down, cry, vent, and say things we think we shouldn't say it's only because we're in an unnatural position trying to do an impossible job usually with someone who doesn't give a damn about how hard we try everyday to do the right thing by them. Guilt has no place in our lives. I cared for my father for 5 years in my home and then he went into a nursing home. I could feel the guilt bubbling up but it went away because I knew I made the right choice, the only choice I could. When he had encephalopathy of the brain which changed his behavior and he called me at 11pm on a week night asking me where his pants were I could have felt guilty that I was not there to care for him or that he still lived with me but I decided that I didn't feel that guilty and then I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty!! We're in desperate situations and we do the best we can. Our lives as caregivers are difficult enough without feeling guilty all the time. There is nothing to feel guilty for. Unless you beat your mom you have nothing to feel guilty for. NOTHING.
My dad died 6 weeks ago and I waited for the guilt to wash over me but it never did. I didn't kill him so why should I feel guilty? I got to tell him how much I loved him. I was able to care for him in his last days. Because of the swelling in his brain his behavior had changed and he was brutally honest with me near the end. He told me how much he loved me, that I was the only person he trusted 100% and that I should never feel guilty about him being in a nursing home.
Just because someone says, "You shouldn't feel guilty" doesn't mean you will automatically stop feeling guilty but try. We carry so much on our shoulders and guilt shouldn't be something we need to deal with.
xoxo