Step dad is 85 with dementia and won't shower. I am care giver to my mom 87 and him.........his family is about 1000 miles away. His mind does seems to be getting worse. Mommy dearest is no help as she constantly yells at him. She yells at him every day about something.....
Even with someone coming in to help, he would have your mother yelling at him the rest of the time. Do what you can to remove him from this environment.
The exception would be if your parents live in an area of the country with very bad nursing homes. If that's the case, you are between a rock and a hard place. In-home help may be better then. Research should help you decide.
Take care,
Carol
My father did not want to shower. We only forced the issue once or twice a week. When it was time, we would turn the heat on in the house to make it warm and toasty, then turn the water on while he was getting undressed. I put his towel over the heating vent in the bathroom so it would be warm and waiting when he got out. My mother would sit in the bathroom with his while he showered and help him out when needed. He always felt better after he showered, so it was a bit of a reward. We have a walk-in shower with a seat and hand-held water massage, so that made it easier on him.
There's no way in H### that shopping for NH's for mom would be fun. She doesn't drink, so that's out. Thanks for the idea.
I know a lot of people who have helped their folks make that transition. Mother has been to several of these facilities as she goes to visit friends on occasion, and they also "sponsor" Bingo games. She always says she glad she's not "stuck in some dump". Well, they all happen to be much nicer and cleaner than her own place, but the point is, we are doing this to just see what's available, what the costs would be and just for our own information. She is going to go into a "home" kicking and screaming. Hopefully, she CAN have the care she wants and needs at home until the end of her life. We're just looking at the possibilities.
SO many of my friends have parents in ALF's and to a man, they are all happy in their current situations. Family relationships got better, stress levels dropped--we just aren't going to see that in her case.
I think for the original poster, it's time to step in and protect dad and help him get away from a toxic situation--poor man. Getting old is not for sissies!