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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Ditto, what Lilli said. Sometimes It seems that I failed all the lessons throughout my life about boudaries, humility, priorities, etc. So Someone said, "Christina, dear child of My Heart, you are past mid point of your life on earth and you have not learned what you have read about in magazines, watched on Oprah, got hammered in your pocketbook by therapists, heard from all the people who helped make "The Secret". This is sad and pathetic, Christina. I will make you a Caregiver for the person who caused you the most pain, frustration, and who was never there for you growing up. This will be your ultimate lesson. You must not complain, you must sacrifice many thingsuntil you learn to rebalance and juggle. It will give you time to reflect, and you will want to project; you will continue to want and try to make sense of your Mother's bizarre lifelong behavior, but this will not work. My, you are a slow learner, yet you seem to have endurance. You tire and complain, but I have given you a sense of humor, albeit somewhat obnoxious. Oh well. No one is perfect on the planet. I have surrounded you with less than ideal siblings, not only in relation to caregiving, but intelligence, drive and ability to do hard physical and emotional work. You must forgive them, for they actually know what they do, but they won't change, and this USA other part of your lesson.
This is Rebecca again. If your mother is driving you crazy, confront your doctor with what the experience is doing to you. It is amazing how fast they can find room at a nursing home if pushed a little. Anyway, my great-grandmother who was born in the 1880's, had to be placed in a nursing home because she was just plain MEAN. So, not every situation is the same and ask for help from doctors, nurses, case managers, and DFACS until you find what both of you need. Best Wishes!
I never expected it would continue as long. I am not handling it as well because it is so hard watching mom do her thing because it’s her life not mine. Her memory is short! I do know that what she says it at the moment but she gets so mad at me because I say she should be back on the oxygen after two cigarettes. Some days she realizes it others she fights it. I have told her that I will have to stop buying her cigarettes. I know I am the person buying them but she said she will have someone else get them for her. I am going insane inside because I feel that I am the person that has allowed her to smoke to this point. She said she doesn’t want her children taking her cig. But that it will be ok when she goes into a nursing home. That is a line of bull shit. I don’t know what her own choice is or is she playing games with me when she says she doesn’t remember. I am not good for this job because I cannot turn my head and ignore what she is doing any longer. I have to put an end to it or I will be going with her into a nursing home only the mental ward for me. It’s either get someone in there or get her into nursing care. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell! There are no nursing home that have room for her right now and sis is reluctant about makeing that move anyway.
Most caregivers believe their commitment will be around a year, while in reality it averages about 7 years. So the answer is yes, it is alot longer than many thought. While I love the the ideals of RLP, the reality for most is very different. 90 years ago families were very large living in small communities. Sharing the responsibilities of caregiving can energize and be the focus of a family, being isolated and alone has the extreme opposite affect. It sounds like you need some help.
I brought my Mom to my home 6 years ago, thinking she only had a few years to go. Well we don't know do we. I think I did well the first 3 years or so. But this last year has been rough. I now realize the toll its has taken on me and my marriage. So now I am doing something about it because complaining doesn't fix it. Siblings try but they can't fix it either, they can help but I am the one to make plans. I now have an agency that supplies me with reliable sitters one time a week. Mom pays for this. And I just found a daycare program in a local assisted living facility and within the next few weeks I plan starting out with a few hours maybe one to two days a week, then if all goes well maybe two or three full days. The fee for this is by the hour and very reasonable. I am very blessed at this point that Mom can afford this and it will keep her in my home for a little longer. I think its all about having a plan, not to far into the future but maybe just a few months at a time. I will like to say "God Bless the Caregivers" You are all so special"
It is unrealistic, on so many levels, to promise a parent that they will not need the assistance of others and perhaps another living arrangement. So I wish families would stop makeing that promise to their loved ones because it spells disaster from the start. I, too, started this journey 4 years ago, thinking I could do it all. The reality hit me within the first few months. It takes a village to care for an ailing elder. Times have changed. Extended family no longer lives in the same town, both husbands and wives work full time to make ends meet, and for some reason we are afraid to ask the younger members of the family to pitch in for fear they will become "scarred" by the experience. The result is usually one family member who steps up while the others step back, and that is not fair. I say do this for as long as you can on your own. Then add paid help. Then consider a facility whose staff can do it better. Then you can go back to being the loving, devotd child who is still looking after his or her parent. To turn yourself into the fall guy so that your sibs can live a life of freedom does not sound like a good plan to me. Everyone should be pitching in - and if that doesn't happen, then protect your health and future. Honoring a mother and father does not mean making brutal self-sacrifice and losing ones own marriage and family in the process.
Ditto, what Lilli said. Sometimes It seems that I failed all the lessons throughout my life about boudaries, humility, priorities, etc. So Someone said, "Christina, dear child of My Heart, you are past mid point of your life on earth and you have not learned what you have read about in magazines, watched on Oprah, got hammered in your pocketbook by therapists, heard from all the people who helped make "The Secret". This is sad and pathetic, Christina. I will make you a
Caregiver for the person who caused you the most pain, frustration, and who was never there for you growing up. This will be your ultimate lesson. You must not complain, you must sacrifice many things until you learn to rebalance and juggle. It will give you time to reflect, and you will want to project; you will continue to want and try to make sense of your Mother's bizarre lifelong behavior, but this will not work. My, you are a slow learner, yet you seem to have endurance. You tire and complain, but I have given you a sense of humor, albeit somewhat obnoxious. Oh well. No one is perfect on the planet. I have surrounded you with less than ideal siblings, not only in relation to caregiving, but intelligence, drive and ability to do hard physical and emotional work. You must forgive them, for they actually know what they do, but they won't change, and this Is another part of your lesson. Oi Vey, I exclaim. He knows what I mean. So, I figure we have time to figure it out, as these difficult parents seem to have a very strong life force. I am absolutely amazed at what they endure, especially if any of them read minds. I think they must be in on "The Lesson". Partnering with you know who, maybe? That is my take on it, Dear Friends:) hugs, Christina xo
I was kind of "eased" into it, for want of a better word, but mom has not made it any easier. I really had to make a change of location for other reasons, including a more affordable place for my own retirement than where I was, when I arrived mom was still pretty mobile, but that did not mean that I had a lot of time to myself. While my dad was alive she had a focus for her neediness, when he died and I moved back here to "look after" her, she had to change focus - me. I was suddenly 12 years old again, and please don't get all warm and fuzzy about me always being her "baby", it is demeaning and insulting (I was 58 when I arrived and used to living on my own, I am now 68 with a few medical problems of my own), because you do not know the extent she carried her neediness, which was to the extream. As time went on she slid farther downhill, though I always wonder how long she could have been mobile if it had not been for me to order around, I think she would have been a lot longer. Anyway, she has been fairly incapacitated for about 2 years now, she will not take physical therapy to give her limbs any strength, content to let me do it with criticism. In short, I was last able to get away for a vacation in '03, and not much hope of ever getting away again. No, there is no one else to help. She keeps having bad times in which she has to stay in hospital for a few days, but she keeps on keepin' on - she is 94 now. To answer the question, I did not know how long it was going to be for, I bought the house from her and promised her a place to live for her lifetime, so that ws OK, but not only did I not consider the time but the conditions under which I was to serve my time.
Barb - It sound as if you were "eased" into it just like I was. I know and understand - you dream about the day when you will not have to be a caregiver anymore, then you feel guilty for having those thoughts because the only solution to the problem seems to be the death of the parent and it seems as if you are looking forward to that, but of course you are not. Catch-22, right? The only solution is for somebody to die! So, you feel boxed in and just about feel as if the top of your head is going to blow off. I do try and work in some hobbies especially in the morning. In the summer I also have garden duties which at least gets me out of the house for awhile, in the winter time I retreat to the basement and work on my projects - modelmaking, refinishing, repairing while listening to music or wathing a movie, and I work in a couple hours two days a week with a personal trainer (my one great self-indulgence) while mom takes a nap (she has Lifeline and hospice care too). It does not beat having friends or especially travelling, but it is something for myself, as is this site, which I appreciate being able to vent on from time to time.
I walked into this blinded. I guess I had no time limit. I think in the beginning it was denial of the seriousness of it? Yes, I quite understood about dementia. I worked in home health for years, and dealt with elders. But soon enough I learned the hard way. I thought I could beg my siblings to help. When reality hit me hard, I knew I was in it for the long haul. I am a people pleaser so this experience has mentally overloaded me. But on the other hand I do see the positives. It took me two years to see the "bright side" I have learned that if I turn off the negatives and only focus on positive, I feel lighter, less stress. Which in turn makes me a better caregiver. Many of times, I pity myself, I look at my mother and think, How selfish am I? There lays a 66yr old woman who has been robbed of her life. While most her age are retiring from there jobs and planning that ever needed vacation,enjoying their grandkids. My mom is confined to a bed, 100% dependent on me. She is a shell of a woman thats just "here", Her mind is off in a distant place which I hope is at peace. All I can do is comfort her physical body and let God comfort her emotional body. Cause in the end no matter what I do, its in God's hands and always have been.
Through all the craziness over the last few years, I now look back and see my personal growth. Its was a struggle to get here but it was well worth it. The "things" I gave up are just "things". Someday, when the season changes I will have things again. Familes are priceless, I hope that this experience has taught my children how important unconditional love is!! And sometimes we have to make sacrifices when it comes to family, regardless of issues. Let the past in the past, and be present in the present. God has a plan for all of us!!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Caregiver for the person who caused you the most pain, frustration, and who was never there for you growing up. This will be your ultimate lesson. You must not complain, you must sacrifice many thingsuntil you learn to rebalance and juggle. It will give you time to reflect, and you will want to project; you will continue to want and try to make sense of your Mother's bizarre lifelong behavior, but this will not work. My, you are a slow learner, yet you seem to have endurance. You tire and complain, but I have given you a sense of humor, albeit somewhat obnoxious. Oh well. No one is perfect on the planet. I have surrounded you with less than ideal siblings, not only in relation to caregiving, but intelligence, drive and ability to do hard physical and emotional work. You must forgive them, for they actually know what they do, but they won't change, and this USA other part of your lesson.
Her memory is short! I do know that what she says it at the moment but she gets so mad at me because I say she should be back on the oxygen after two cigarettes. Some days she realizes it others she fights it. I have told her that I will have to stop buying her cigarettes.
I know I am the person buying them but she said she will have someone else get them for her.
I am going insane inside because I feel that I am the person that has allowed her to smoke to this point. She said she doesn’t want her children taking her cig. But that it will be ok when she goes into a nursing home. That is a line of bull shit.
I don’t know what her own choice is or is she playing games with me when she says she doesn’t remember.
I am not good for this job because I cannot turn my head and ignore what she is doing any longer.
I have to put an end to it or I will be going with her into a nursing home only the mental ward for me.
It’s either get someone in there or get her into nursing care. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell! There are no nursing home that have room for her right now and sis is reluctant about makeing that move anyway.
I, too, started this journey 4 years ago, thinking I could do it all. The reality hit me within the first few months. It takes a village to care for an ailing elder. Times have changed. Extended family no longer lives in the same town, both husbands and wives work full time to make ends meet, and for some reason we are afraid to ask the younger members of the family to pitch in for fear they will become "scarred" by the experience. The result is usually one family member who steps up while the others step back, and that is not fair.
I say do this for as long as you can on your own. Then add paid help. Then consider a facility whose staff can do it better. Then you can go back to being the loving, devotd child who is still looking after his or her parent.
To turn yourself into the fall guy so that your sibs can live a life of freedom does not sound like a good plan to me. Everyone should be pitching in - and if that doesn't happen, then protect your health and future. Honoring a mother and father does not mean making brutal self-sacrifice and losing ones own marriage and family in the process.
hammered in your pocketbook by therapists, heard from all the people who
helped make "The Secret". This is sad and pathetic, Christina. I will make you a
Caregiver for the person who caused you the most pain, frustration, and who was never there for you growing up. This will be your ultimate lesson. You must not complain, you must sacrifice many things until you learn to rebalance and juggle. It will give you time to reflect, and you will want to project; you will continue to
want and try to make sense of your Mother's bizarre lifelong behavior, but this
will not work. My, you are a slow learner, yet you seem to have endurance. You
tire and complain, but I have given you a sense of humor, albeit somewhat
obnoxious. Oh well. No one is perfect on the planet. I have surrounded you with
less than ideal siblings, not only in relation to caregiving, but intelligence, drive
and ability to do hard physical and emotional work. You must forgive them, for
they actually know what they do, but they won't change, and this Is another part
of your lesson. Oi Vey, I exclaim. He knows what I mean.
So, I figure we have time to figure it out, as these difficult parents seem to have a very strong life force. I am absolutely amazed at what they endure, especially if any of them read minds. I think they must be in on "The Lesson". Partnering with you know who, maybe? That is my take on it, Dear Friends:) hugs, Christina xo
Many of times, I pity myself, I look at my mother and think, How selfish am I? There lays a 66yr old woman who has been robbed of her life. While most her age are retiring from there jobs and planning that ever needed vacation,enjoying their grandkids. My mom is confined to a bed, 100% dependent on me. She is a shell of a woman thats just "here", Her mind is off in a distant place which I hope is at peace. All I can do is comfort her physical body and let God comfort her emotional body. Cause in the end no matter what I do, its in God's hands and always have been.
Through all the craziness over the last few years, I now look back and see my personal growth. Its was a struggle to get here but it was well worth it. The "things" I gave up are just "things". Someday, when the season changes I will have things again. Familes are priceless, I hope that this experience has taught my children how important unconditional love is!! And sometimes we have to make sacrifices when it comes to family, regardless of issues. Let the past in the past, and be present in the present. God has a plan for all of us!!
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