Dad has 2 siblings. Both are far away, one halfway across the country and the other many states away. Apparently, he has been complaining to them. The one who always interjects in every family issue as the expert. So now texting me that she found a place for him back home and they will look after him while he is at the facility. I have researched the facility and it is not as she presents. Even if it was, it's not all roses. Plus the fact they are not even close to the place. I have for the past nine years been caring for my father, not all fun and games. I took care of my sister-in-law with cancer until her death and my brother-in-law in a nursing home for 9 years until his death so I know what I am dealing with. So now they want him to go 8 states away to a facility where his family is. News flash I am his family and the other 2 children are not there either. "Oh, they will visit often". Nope, I know how it works, maybe holidays and random visits but he will be alone.
My siblings are out of state and one is in-state but has their own issues and cant drive anyway and is very sick. The other puts on a great act but does not want to even visit him. So if I do send him to this place, it's a day's travel to get there for me. Yes, I b*tch and moan but I do care about the man and I don't want him to go to a place unless he is really in need. Once he is there he will have nothing, they will take his social security and give him a small stipend and he won't be doing what they say he will be getting.
Now, what do I do? I guess I have to have a talk with him and see what he wants to do. Once this goes through, it's one way, no coming back.
I know what it is like for people to be in a NH, not always like the cruise ship commercials all pretty like until you get there. And TBH more work for me to deal with. Let's face it, my aunts are getting up there in age as well. Not sure how to handle all this.
Yes, I would like my house back, but man this is working on my brain and my guilt. Yes, I am a grumpy asshat to deal with. There are days I don't like living with me and yes we all have been grumpy (long winter). I can't at the drop of a hat take him everywhere. Pretty sure once he gets there he will be parked. His daughter won't even give me time to take a vacation so I am pretty sure she's not going to drive 6 hours to visit with him when he is six hours here and she has only visited 1 time since he is here (surgery visit and she felt guilty). Not sure what to do at this point.
I told my dad that he could do whatever he could do. That meant him doing it, not directing me what to do. I told him I would not prop him up or bring him back.
He actually bought a truck, loaded it and moved. He made it very clear he would rather die in a Walmart parking lot, in his truck then be in a facility. I honored his wishes.
I think that our parents are free to make their own choices but, that applies to us too. I do not believe in steppin and fetching, jumping and accommodating them when they make it hard on us.
If he moves that far away, you can't be his solution to anything. You will be a sometime visitor and you should make this very clear to him. He should understand the consequences of his choices.
Best of luck, interference from family that doesn't do the boots on the ground work just makes a difficult situation even harder.
Tell him. Don’t ask.
He has to contribute $$ for his share of expenses.
You and your wife will go out without him.
He is to pick up/clean up after himself as much as he physically can.
Etc.
Make it clear to him that he’s had it so easy so good for years on your expense.
If you just let things continue as usual, then this will be a lost opportunity.
You've wanted peace in your house for a long time. I'm not saying that time has come, but it's up to your dad, right? You've done a great job caring for him. It's ok to pass the baton to someone else, especially if they're stepping up for the position. You can see if your dad wants to make this move and go from there.
It was a challenging time for you, as I recall. There was a sister involved, but I don't remember much about her involvement.
Now, it seems, relatives want to get involved, allegedly. I don't have any good insights, but I think that the years you, your wife and anyone else sacrificed while adapting and accommodating your father and in cases compromising your own lives, should be more of a guiding factor than what relatives want now.
I haven't read all the comments here as I usually do, but I do think that the distant relatives have their own goals, that your father would be lonely not only b/c he'd be away from his friends and his routine, but also that after a few months or so he'd probably be lonely for the companionship and the routines established while living with you. In addition, you'd then have to travel miles away to keep in touch with him,
Another factor is I think this would be too drastic a change for your father; he's used to you and your family, getting to know distant relatives, adapting to a new facility, would be challenging, and perhaps negative. I think he would decline quickly. Just my $.02 worth though.
I've never been impressed with people, relatives or others, who become involved for what could be their own personal reasons, after others have sacrificed for years.
YES.
when that happens, it's always a bit fishy.
hug, garden artist!! :)
Is he running up a CC balance?
Shouldn't his funds cover respite for you and wife, either people to come in and check on him or a week or two in a facility?
Have you looked into the Masonicare facility in Wallingford? I believe they have Assisted Living. We looked at it for my mom and we liked it, as I recall.
Is he cognizant? Can he make a decision like this?
Are you POA? if not who is?
If he can make the move and wants to let him.
And if he still wants to move ask him what he will do if he does not like it where he plans on going. Make it clear to him that if it does not work out if he moves back it will not be in with you but to an Assisted Living community or Senior community (wherever he is safest)
As for income, he has SSI that is it. No other assets. He will qualify. The facility is a fraternal facility which he actually did some construction work on years ago si he knows the place. The problem is they will take his SSI and give him $50 a month and pay for all his meals. Who will pay for his insurance and all the other bills? I am not willing to take on more expenses. his friends here won't go visit him at all (they are in the same boat). it will be a lonely place once the people he will meet start dying. that is a matter of fact in NH situations.
As for going there, he won't be living the high life, I have dealt with nursing homes for 10 years and out of state so I know what to look for. I have dealt with social security, NH paperwork, immigration ect.
He has made friends here, he is not as destitute as he leads on tho family, He goes to church every Sunday, lunch after, lunch with church people once a month, usually a gathering once or twice a month, Coffee with his lodge every week and lunch after, one or 2 lodge meetings a week and lunch or dinner with his friend 2 times a week. The man goes out more than me! He spends money like he has a job. He got income tax back this year and is taking everyone out for lunch or dinner every week. So for him to be isolated I am not sure where that is all coming from. None of the family has visited him here in 8 years except for a wedding and that was one sister and niece. No one else has traveled to see him. Yet I have had to fly him halfway across the country for his brother-in-law's funeral and drive him 7 hours for a few funerals and a couple of hunting trips (in the beginning).
I get it, he doesn't have the entire family around like before, but I am the one who left home and he followed. The issue he doesn't realize is the family is not back where they were before, they are scattered across the country.
I asked my sibling yesterday to have dad visit for a week so my wife and I can celebrate 40 years of marriage and I got a no. That was the start of yesterday.
My daughters are busy, one starts a new job and lives 5 states away, the other can check on him once a day but won't be staying for a week so I have no backup.
I deal with NHs here with EMS and I won't put him in one, to be frank, he is not ready yet. If he was non-ambulatory yes, he is having issues with stairs but I do not have $100K to put an addition on to my house (nor does he).
If he decides to pursue this it is a one-way ticket. I don't have the energy to deal with this. TBH it was a bit of a kick in the gut yesterday. Lots of guilt ('im good at that I am told).
I'll chat with him today when I take him to the barber and get his McDs. Oh, yeah, isolated.... he gets driven everywhere.
It's my father, I have to care for him because all everyone else does is spew ideas and no action.
I'll just chalk it up to family sticking their nose in it and not wanting to lend a hand.
Nothing will change, unfortunately. If it were a medical or mobility issue big difference. I did advise him people will visit for a while but that will stop. I don't think he grasped the entire issue. Once I advised when the facility takes his entire check and gives him $50 a month, he paused on that tidbit.
I'll just ignore the family messages like before. I have an adage, "clean your own house before you tell others how dirty theirs are". Funny, not one of them is offering to come and visit with him while we get away. Not one!
If we don't laugh at people's hair-brained, half-baked ideas, we'd end up on the evening news.
Next time they have such a solid plan, tell them yours: If they want to help, schedule their vacation to be with Dad so you can actually take a vacation you haven't had.
It is somewhat difficult to give suggestions without filling in some of the background.
If he is totally competent and has the funds, and if he decides to move, then I agree with the others that you will legally have to let him AND you work on not being his solution when (not if) it starts to go south. I agree that you don't help him move.
If his sisters are elderly I would try to reason with him that this will become an issue sooner rather than later and that you won't be flying there on any "regular" basis to visit him unless he puts up the funding for it.
But if you don't think he's cognitively competent, and doesn't have a PoA (and you are wiling) I would try to pursuade him to do this first, then get him a physical and request a cognitive/memory test. Depending on the test outcome and if you are the PoA then you will most likely be able to legally decide where he goes. BUT there's the issue of whether he can afford AF. Most states' Medicaid does not pay for it or MC, only LTC.
I think you're in one of those situations where you can get burned no matter what outcome unless you're able to really be at peace with him living far away once his sisters are unable to help or visit him and your Dad has no one remotely close to help manage his affairs and advocate for him. He may need to become a ward of the facility or the county/state.
You are not imagining that this is a tough decision. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart no matter the outcome.
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