Mom wants to go out every day, even if it is just to the store to get rubber bands. Today, one of the caregivers called me to say Mom was royally pissed because she told her it was too hot (heat index is close to 110 here today) to go out. Mom doesn't take no for an answer and will pout and told morning caregiver to go ahead and leave and not come back. She even called the afternoon caregiver and told her to come in early and that she is to take her to the store! She just won't let go when she wants something.
How do we tell her no without getting into an argument???
I don't know if we can tell some of our elders no without ticking them off. The only thing we can do is figure out what we will do when they get ticked off. Caving into their demands doesn't seem like a good idea. Ignoring them and taking away the power of their temper seems like a far better idea for family. I feel bad, though, that the hired caregivers are being put in a position where they have to worry about their jobs if they cave in to unwise demands. Your mother probably doesn't realize how important these caregivers are to her and you. Good caregivers are hard to find.
Mom thinks that caregivers are beating down the door to take care of her. No, they are not! I have been blessed to find the 3 that we have.
It is hard to tell your parent no; the roles have definitely been reversed!
If it weren't for the fact that there are heat waves in place in several states, I would suggest going out just for a walk, just to get out of the house and let Mom think she's still getting her way.
An alternative is to have the caregiver (or your mother) make a list of the places your mother wants to go (and what she needs to buy), the days on which the caregiver will be there as well as what needs to be done at home, then let your mother select which activities she wants for the given days. If the list is small, your mother can feel as if she's getting her own way.
Your mother still gets to go out, not on a demand responsive but rather a planned basis. Maybe she'll be able to feel as if she's still in control that way.
It's a subtle change, but maybe it'll work.
As to going out on excessive heat days, perhaps you can tell her that one of her doctors said neither she or the caregiver should not be out on those kinds of days. I'm not sure that would stop her though - she might want to call the doctor and challenge his/her opinion.
Or conspire with the caregiver to go outside for a few moments on a hot day, then the caregiver feigns passing out. It won't satisfy your mother, but at least she has to recognize that the caregiver tried to accommodate her.
Are there other alternate activities she can do, or is it the fact that she knows going out when she shouldn't will produce a standoff - another controlling tactic?
I would find an alternative: "wow, it's way too hot out there today! Why don't we bake some cookies and call the grandkids over and let them play in the water?" That worked well. Getting her started on her passion for genealogy also did it. I don't know that I ever actually said NO over anything other than her not wanting to wear a seatbelt. We'd sit in the car until she'd allow me to latch it. As her dementia increased it was harder. I wish you luck. In the end, the caregiver works for a company that insures the client's well being. It's a hard call sometimes.