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You did not state the mental or physical conditions your mother may have. That would make a big difference in what you tell her. If she is fully aware and is emotionally close to her brother, she would probably want AND be able to process a lot more details than if she has limited mental acuity or is herself in failing health. It seems a shame to unload such sorrowful and hopeless news onto her if she is fragile or mentally diminished. You could simply tell her that her brother is ill (not doing too well) and is under doctor's care. What could she herself do if she were constantly kept apprised of detailed developments in his health and medical care other than to sit and worry helplessly?
If she can travel, and wants to visit him, understanding that he is ill, that opportunity might keep her from feeling that she was unable to go comfort him or had 'missed saying goodbye' if he should pass away before she does.
When my adult child passed away unexpectedly, I did not tell my aged mother.. I knew it would devastate her and engulf her in unbearable grief. for the remainder of her life. She was in no physical or mental shape to deal with such devastating news. She passed away 5 months later, never having known her precious granddaughter had died.
IMHO it depends on whether mom can handle and process the information. I would ask her doctor. The worst thing would be to make her condition deteriorate.
My dad did not have dementia. But some of his relatives do have dementia and we did not tell those members when he passed.
Crowemagnum, I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle's terminal illness. What a difficult time this must be for you. Earlier this year, I mulled it over for an entire day before deciding whether to let my mother know that her last surviving, and youngest sibling, had died. I didn't rush to tell her. I prayed for guidance. That night, as Mom was starting to wind down for the night, seemingly out of the blue, she mentioned her sibling and speculated as to why she had not heard from that sibling in the past couple of months. When Mom started erroneously assuming that her sibling may have become upset at her for reasons unknown to Mom or me, I knew that the universe had given me a window of opportunity to let her know. I sat down next to Mom, held her hand and told her in my softest voice. Her eyes looked startled though not distressed when she asked me "When....?" I truthfully told her that her sibling had died earlier that day.
I don't believe in coincidences, nor do I believe Mom's asking about her sibling on the same day was in any way a coincidence. I share that all to say, give yourself a little contemplative time. If you're not a believer in prayer, it doesn't really matter, just ask Spirit, or the universe to lead you in revealing when, and/or whether to let your Mom know what she may need to know. It all depends. I know you'll do the right thing.
Sending positive thoughts your way, Crowe, including for your Mom and her brother. Life sure throws its share of curve-balls, doesn't it? Best.
Visiting her husband is out of the question for she is so immobile that she can only be transported by stretcher. He had a very good opportunity months ago to come and see her, but he said that would be too depressing. I kept telling them to come on and finally he sent his wife who had a good visit with her. My mom has a rather negative relationship with her brother compared to her sister and never has liked her SIL. Now, with this development, they cannot go to see each other. They can talk by phone and I agree that she should know about this for she's known for sometime that his health has not been good, but not like this liver cancer.
Perfect peace would be nice, but I think will only be known in heaven given my Bipolar II as well as my wife's and our youngest son's ADHD. Thanks for your supportive prayers. We can use all of those we can get.
I have taken my mother in law to viewings and funerals but the dementia has really affected her emotions. It is as if she hears things but she doesn't have emotions anymore. She doesn't remember the family members who have passed. She asks everything as a question...How is Aunt Helen? I will tell her that she passed 3 years ago and she then says "Oh yeh, I remember that now". If she gets upset because people don't come in to visit her I tell her that she is sick or he is taking care of his wife...Sometimes, I will say things like this even though not completely true because so many people no longer come to see her. She will ask if relatives have called about her and I tell her that they have even though we haven't heard anything. If it were my uncle I would just tell her that Uncle "Bill" is sick right now but I wouldn't get into the details. My mother in law wouldn't remember anyway. And she may ask again and again and I would repeat the same story again and again. I just never say too much that would really upset her because when she gets upset about things, she gets worse..I will keep you in my prayers...This illness is so hard to handle.
CROW,seriously with something as important as thisI would ask her doc. That could turn very serious,and depending on her usual way of handling things, it may not be same with info like this..............I wish I had more to say to u, as I like u,and as soon as I say who the question was from I answered right away.............I would definetly get medical advice on this one! let us know what happens, please, I care,really do!!
My mom, who had dementia, would ask about her mother, and the one time I told her that she had died. She resonded with Oh no, Oh no!!. She was upset. The next time she asked, I said she was playing bingo in New York with Irene. This is my mom's sister with whom she had been living. They went to bingo all the time, so this was a completely natural reponse. Another time when she asked, it was late at night, and she wanted to call her mom. I told her it was past her bedtime. She was fine with that answer. I didn't want to lie to her so I didn't mention again that she had passed. I just said she was with one of her sister playing bingo. That was fine with her.
Always ask yourself this question: If I were in that situation, would I want to know if my beloved granddaughter had passed? If the answer is no, then you did the right thing. For do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.
Thanks everyone for your input. My mother is glad that I told her although it is sad that her brother is now terminal.
So much for his not wanting to see her several months ago because it would be too depressing. Now, neither is able to see each other and he may well die before she does. Life is so full of ironic turns and twists. The opportunity we have to do something good one day might not be possible on another day because of the unexpected.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
That would make a big difference in what you tell her. If she is fully aware and is emotionally close to her brother, she would probably want AND be able to process a lot more details than if she has limited mental acuity or is herself in failing health. It seems a shame to unload such sorrowful and hopeless news onto her if she is fragile or mentally diminished.
You could simply tell her that her brother is ill (not doing too well) and is under doctor's care. What could she herself do if she were constantly kept apprised of detailed developments in his health and medical care other than to sit and worry helplessly?
If she can travel, and wants to visit him, understanding that he is ill, that opportunity might keep her from feeling that she was unable to go comfort him or had 'missed saying goodbye' if he should pass away before she
does.
When my adult child passed away unexpectedly, I did not tell my aged mother.. I knew it would devastate her and engulf her in unbearable grief.
for the remainder of her life. She was in no physical or mental shape to deal with such devastating news. She passed away 5 months later, never having known her precious granddaughter had died.
My dad did not have dementia. But some of his relatives do have dementia and we did not tell those members when he passed.
I don't believe in coincidences, nor do I believe Mom's asking about her sibling on the same day was in any way a coincidence. I share that all to say, give yourself a little contemplative time. If you're not a believer in prayer, it doesn't really matter, just ask Spirit, or the universe to lead you in revealing when, and/or whether to let your Mom know what she may need to know. It all depends. I know you'll do the right thing.
Sending positive thoughts your way, Crowe, including for your Mom and her brother. Life sure throws its share of curve-balls, doesn't it? Best.
Perfect peace would be nice, but I think will only be known in heaven given my Bipolar II as well as my wife's and our youngest son's ADHD. Thanks for your supportive prayers. We can use all of those we can get.
Always ask yourself this question: If I were in that situation, would I want to know if my beloved granddaughter had passed? If the answer is no, then you did the right thing. For do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.
So much for his not wanting to see her several months ago because it would be too depressing. Now, neither is able to see each other and he may well die before she does. Life is so full of ironic turns and twists. The opportunity we have to do something good one day might not be possible on another day because of the unexpected.
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