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If you are going to be the live in, primary caregiver, please make certain to arrange some time just for you. Statistics indicate that primary, family caregivers of individuals with Alzheimer's Disease experience stress related illnesses at a higher rate and a higher death rate from stress related illnesses. Get some help and get to a support group, spiritual counselor, anyone to whom you can look for support. Some days with your dad will be fulfilling and make you glad you made the decision, others will make you wonder whatever were you thinking. Try to stay in the moment with him, maintain your sense of humor, and again, take care of yourself in all of it. Bless you for your loving hear.
this is hard i know i move in with dad so i know this is not going to be easy im with MINDING OUR ELDERS, i would try the in home care or someone like a pastor to talk to. them they have been indenpendent so long its gonna be extremly hard i will pray that every thing goes well for you
Yes, think about it. I thought about it too. Those that haven't been through it, even though they think about it, don't realize how it will truly be with them living in their home. I know I didn't realize how hard it would be until after I moved Dad in with me. But I still think I made the right decision in trying my very best, and to let my Dad know there was a safe and loving place for him with family, instead of strangers. If I didn't try, I would have always lived with the thought of "could I have made a difference?"
Be careful before you make that decision to have him living in your home. Voice of experience here. Have you considered talking to him about having his own flat in a Warden Assisted block near to you ? Once you take on an Alzheimers sufferer - you will have no life of your own. You will have to tolerate changes in behaviour - violent outbursts - incontinence etc etc. Voice of experience here.
I do feel for you but please please think about it before you make the decision.
Dear zacher, most definately, the mental stimulation, regular exercise and better food will help so much. The dementia will get worse, and acting now instead of later will make it easier on dad and yourself as well. I tried talking my dad into moving close to me for 7 years, and it didn't work, and I had no idea, the amount of damage that had been done to him financially, or the self neglect that took place. So I did the only thing I could do to help dad. You are on the right track in doing what is best for your dad, and people here on this site will give you so much support and compassion in your journey. Wishing you all the best, and prayers to you.
Zacher, sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation and direction you need to go with your Dad. Some medications can help with his anxiety. Making important decisions with him or for him may ease some of his distress, especially if you limit the choices, while retaining a few (so he doesn't feel completely powerless.)
My dad is doing better, in some respects, with routine, and proper care. Too much stimulation can backfire for those with Alzheimer's, so it may just be a matter of semantics. Perhaps channeling is a good term. Experts can direct and redirect, as necessary, suited to his particular needs. Many hands make light work. Each has differing talents and gifts, and a team approach can benefit everyone. My dad has a better quality of life where he resides, and more peacful surroundings than he had at home. But his disease is progressing to the point that he is losing many valuable skills and abilities. It's a terrible disease to have to contend with. Just know you are a blessing to your dad to look after his well being. Take care.
Thank you for the advise. Dad does have impaired decision making and he is nearly blind. We have tried to "leave him there" as long as possible. We have tried daily non professional care and meals on wheels but it has reached the point where he needs more. We fear wondering off also think the dementia would progress slower if he had more mental stimulation, better food and regular exercise. His friends have all died or gone into nursing homes. I think once we get him settled he will be happier and healther. Whenever he has to make a decision he has gets very stressed. Zacher
Nauseated, you have helped many, many people. There will always be different takes on things, since people don't know all the details. Also, people who haven't lived it often don't "get" it.
Everyone views things from their own perspective based on their own history of events. I like to see the discussions on here offer lots of views. I don't like to see judgment, but it will happen. Most often people word things badly and it sounds worse than they mean it. But, either way, opinions are what make a discussion.
You'll never really know how much your courage helped other people, but I know your sharing it did. I'm so thrilled you had such a sweet ending with your dad. That really shows that, through all of your agony, you did what was right for him. Your note made me smile. Carol
Carol made a good distinction in this thread, as well as some valid considerations. I did notice the "pre-Alzheimer's" part of this post, and meant to comment on it, but the comments seemed to go in a different direction.
It is always wonderful when a parent can state their wished, and plan for the future, but this is not always the case. Often, judgement is one of the first things to go, then memory. Without these, victims of this disease falter, and often need assistance from other in matters of important decision-making. To allow one their "rights," and just "let them do what they want," can often have disastrous results. Many family members step in out of concern for their loved one, and try to do what is best for them. Just letting things go may sometimes be considered neglect. It is a fine, and delicate line. Most often, it is very difficult for all concerned. Safety and well being for the individual are important considerations. Love should be the dominating factor, as well as a sensitivity for all.
Dear Sis, that is so true. I have had to learn everything the hard way too. But you are right, we become stronger for it. In the end, my dad understood that I was always trying to protect him, and make sure no one took advantage of him ever again. Do you know the only complaint I heard from him, in his last month was that the ALF fed him too much LOL. :) I was so very blessed to have him turn sweet towards the end, that is how I will always remember him. :) I was hoping that by sharing my personal trials, here on this site, that I might be able to help someone else who may be going through these exact same things. I'm not so sure anymore.
I agree, Naus. Your situation left you with no choice. No one can say what another should do, since every case if different. Your case was especailly difficult and you showed great courage in what you did. Not everyone would have fought so hard for a parent.
I hear you, Naus. It takes creativity to do what must be done sometimes. My husband reminds me I try to reason with unreasonable people, and that is next to impossible. Sometimes we have to take a stand, even when others don't understand. And somtimes our firm stand is very misunderstood by the one we're trying to protect. This can lead to other difficulties. Having walked this way for awhile, I am learning everything the hard way, as no one "trained me" for this position. I'm often accused of for caring: "Well, you're the one who volunteered for this!" (Said sarcastically, of coarse.) Caregiving is not for sissies. We become stronger in the doing, against difficult, and seemingly impossible odds.
Some of us must do whatever it takes to protect our loved ones. If that includes tricking a loved one with dementia, who does not have the cognitive skills left to realize they are in danger healthwise, safetywise, and financially, then so be it. I would have done ANYTHING to protect my dad, and I did just that. Being 1,200 miles away from my father, and having NO ONE else to check on his safety more than occassionally, not even social services. They were too busy. Even meals on wheels had no openings to deliver one meal a day. So I had to be quick and decisive, and creative, when it came to bringing my dad home with me. People who have never been in that situation, do not understand, and should not cast judgement. I wish the very best and pray for all who have to deal with this very same situation.
Let me amend my response a bit. This post said "pre-Alzheimer's." So much depends on his state of mind. You may want to have him move sooner rather than later, and that is probably wise, but if he is still capable of making his own decisions, and he may be, you may have to back off until the decline gets worse.
There are a lot of things you have to get ready for. Find and get all your fathers important paper work together, if you not the power of attorney get with his docotor and find yourself a lawyer near by dad and get the legal paper work done. talk to his docotor about the a move, and he or she can help you talking to dad, You want him near by so he is safe, and be with family. Sometime they will disagree but at times they will change their minds. My mom had all her paper work done in 1999 way before she got sick. Also start looking in you neighborhood for day care or places that in case dad gets bad you can place him. Look and different times, also call you state elder care,get a power of attorney, and heath epoxy, and will also prepared. you can also call the Alzheimers assocation/ hours they can give you a list of helpful info. Keep in touch with this HELP LINE it helps.If it is just the begining of the illness you can still enjoy a loving time with your dad. patricia61
Sometimes, when dementia is present, "tricks" such as Nauseated was forced to use are the only safe thing to do for the elder. If they are in danger and have no one but perhaps social services in their area to watch over them, family can be forced to make some decisions such as moving them to a new enviroment. The idea that someone with dementia is all alone in a city with no caring person to watch over him or her is frightening.
Of course, if there is no dementia, that is different. I totally agree that elders have a right to make decisions, even if we don't think they are doing what is best for them, but dementia can change the picture very much. Carol
Sorry, Nauseted, I can't condone "tricks" or little white lies. I stand by my first thought, let him live where he wants to live. Get help there. The money is the same money whether it's spent in Peoria or Sheboygan. Where does the "luxury" come into it?
..one of the hardest things in life is to see a loved one ill or unable to care for himself and not be able to provide the care that you would like to give. Sometimes when a situation becomes totally unsafe, a decision can be force.. I also think that finding a local assistance can be helpful, when someone is checking on him, making sure he has food, and that gets any care he can get from them.. also, to install an emergency response system at his place. And maybe have his doctor to explain him that living on his own at his age is not safe..
"If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move?" "Let him be as he is?" Some of us do not have that luxury, when it comes to their health and safety, and have limited time to make the right choices, especially if they are out of state, or too far away to check on them. Also, if there is no POA, you cannot force them to pay for in-home help/care. And some of us cannot afford to do the paying for them. This is a tough choice, I too know, I have been there myself. I had to force or rather trick my dad into moving in with me. I told him I was taking him away to my house for the Thanksgiving Holiday. The vacation became longer and longer, and of course there was some resistance. No one can tell you what to do. But just do the very best you can for your dad to keep him safe, and well, and most of all, trust your instincts, they will tell you what is right.
You and your dad are at a very delicate point in your lives. He is very aware of the changes going on with his cognition and may very well be fighting with everything in him to hold on to his independence and self-determination. He may perceive moving in with you as giving up all that he holds so dear. Please read Barbara Perman's book "No Easy Move." It is available on Amazon.com. She discusses difficult conversations, the process for assisting with change, and helps her readers explore some options that may be acceptable to the adult child (with concerns about safety and security) and more palatable to the elder with independence still intact. You are wise to start consideration making changes when you and your dad are not in crisis. Good Luck!
You can't. Put yourself in his position. If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move. Here's what I would do if he were my Dad: Hire a near-by (nearby-to him) to stop in daily to look in on him and care for his needs. Let him be as he is. I would not want to move in with my child/children so why should he? For YOUR convenience? If, however, things should get worse. Dementia has a way of increasing itself, and if he cannot, and I mean CANNOT eat, bathe, walk or go potty by himself, then ANOTHER decision can be made, but not until then.
These are some good answers. If you can't get him to move, you may have to start by trying in-home care for him where he lives. It will be trial and error. If he has a close friend or pastor who can convince him that changes need to be made, that will help.
Yes, tread lightly. Each person is different, and each reacts differently to the disease and disease process. My dad got real quirky, with bouts of anger, delusion, and then, catastrophic reactions. Then he got lost while driving, started wandering, and lost all inhibitions, and became innappropriate with women and children, and going in neighbor's mailboxes. He was losing his abilities to handle his finances, and making grave errors. It was heart wrenching to discover. If you haven't seen anything like this, rejoice.
Have you studied up on this disease? There is so much to learn, and it can be a long, long road. Local libraries carry lots of books on this subject, and your local Alzheimer's Association as well. Though it is different for everyone. They often need 24 hour care. This can be very difficult for one person, and can be draining emotionally.
You are brave to consider it, and compassionate to offer assistance. Count the costs, then count them again. Get wise counsel before you move him anywhere. What does he say? It's a terrifying scenario for some. There's lots of threads on this subject, such as: "Regret," "Don't Want Mom to Live With Me Anymore," etc.
How to convince him to move in with you? Depends on many factors. But if he is struggling with communication, remember, it's hard to reason when reason starts to slip. Sometimes you need to trust your instincts, and prayer helps. Take care.
Well zacher, it is not easy to talk a parent into moving in with their child. No matter how confused they get, they still think they can take care of themselves. Put yourself in their shoes and think how you would feel giving up your home and independence. Not good. And you need to be very sure that you want this move. Believe me it is not only a BIG change for your dad but also a LIFE change for you. How bad is your dad's mind. Is he a danger to himself and others. If he is not too bad yet you might want to take it real easy. Can you hire an agency to check on him each day? Does he qualify for Meals on Wheels? Is he a veteran? Is he on medicare? Look into Power of Attorney for health and finances. Talk to his doctor and make an appointment so you and your dad can attend together. If he is beginning Alzheimer's he might still have some reasoning power's left. i feel for you because i have been there. My dad lives with me and he has Alzheimer's.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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Once you take on an Alzheimers sufferer - you will have no life of your own. You will have to tolerate changes in behaviour - violent outbursts - incontinence etc etc. Voice of experience here.
I do feel for you but please please think about it before you make the decision.
My dad is doing better, in some respects, with routine, and proper care. Too much stimulation can backfire for those with Alzheimer's, so it may just be a matter of semantics. Perhaps channeling is a good term. Experts can direct and redirect, as necessary, suited to his particular needs. Many hands make light work. Each has differing talents and gifts, and a team approach can benefit everyone. My dad has a better quality of life where he resides, and more peacful surroundings than he had at home. But his disease is progressing to the point that he is losing many valuable skills and abilities. It's a terrible disease to have to contend with. Just know you are a blessing to your dad to look after his well being. Take care.
Zacher
Everyone views things from their own perspective based on their own history of events. I like to see the discussions on here offer lots of views. I don't like to see judgment, but it will happen. Most often people word things badly and it sounds worse than they mean it. But, either way, opinions are what make a discussion.
You'll never really know how much your courage helped other people, but I know your sharing it did. I'm so thrilled you had such a sweet ending with your dad. That really shows that, through all of your agony, you did what was right for him. Your note made me smile.
Carol
It is always wonderful when a parent can state their wished, and plan for the future, but this is not always the case. Often, judgement is one of the first things to go, then memory. Without these, victims of this disease falter, and often need assistance from other in matters of important decision-making. To allow one their "rights," and just "let them do what they want," can often have disastrous results. Many family members step in out of concern for their loved one, and try to do what is best for them. Just letting things go may sometimes be considered neglect. It is a fine, and delicate line. Most often, it is very difficult for all concerned. Safety and well being for the individual are important considerations. Love should be the dominating factor, as well as a sensitivity for all.
Carol
Carol
Carol
Of course, if there is no dementia, that is different. I totally agree that elders have a right to make decisions, even if we don't think they are doing what is best for them, but dementia can change the picture very much.
Carol
Carol
I would not want to move in with my child/children so why should he? For YOUR convenience?
If, however, things should get worse. Dementia has a way of increasing itself, and if he cannot, and I mean CANNOT eat, bathe, walk or go potty by himself, then ANOTHER decision can be made, but not until then.
Carol
Have you studied up on this disease? There is so much to learn, and it can be a long, long road. Local libraries carry lots of books on this subject, and your local Alzheimer's Association as well. Though it is different for everyone. They often need 24 hour care. This can be very difficult for one person, and can be draining emotionally.
You are brave to consider it, and compassionate to offer assistance. Count the costs, then count them again. Get wise counsel before you move him anywhere. What does he say? It's a terrifying scenario for some. There's lots of threads on this subject, such as: "Regret," "Don't Want Mom to Live With Me Anymore," etc.
How to convince him to move in with you? Depends on many factors. But if he is struggling with communication, remember, it's hard to reason when reason starts to slip. Sometimes you need to trust your instincts, and prayer helps. Take care.
And you need to be very sure that you want this move. Believe me it is not only a BIG change for your dad but also a LIFE change for you.
How bad is your dad's mind. Is he a danger to himself and others. If he is not too bad yet you might want to take it real easy. Can you hire an agency to check on him each day? Does he qualify for Meals on Wheels? Is he a veteran? Is he on medicare? Look into Power of Attorney for health and finances. Talk to his doctor and make an appointment so you and your dad can attend together. If he is beginning Alzheimer's he might still have some reasoning power's left. i feel for you because i have been there. My dad lives with me and he has Alzheimer's.