I've lost all my friends, even long term friends of 25 yrs.+ Is this unusual or pretty much the norm? I can't say I saddled my friends excessively with lots of what is going on here, but this IS my life now. I am terribly disappointed, hurt and angry, especially since I was there for some of them when they were taking care of their loved one.
Please share some of your experiences so I can better see this........cadams
Jenaynay, is there any version of you being able to return to your town with your dad in tow? I know a gal who works in health care, and she always says how her parents have already been warned (by her) that when the day comes that they need assisted living or nursing care, they will be transported to where SHE lives (and works); not the other way around. Of course, none of us on this thread did it that way (most likely). I, for one, dropped everything and left my life behind to care for my mother in her home. That is probably the most common version of being a caregiver.
But maybe it's not too late, and you can take him home with you, to where all your friends and contacts are located.
There may also be a support group that you could attend in your area, and you could establish some new relationships there. I guess that could work for all of us!
All I do is work to make the money needed to keep dad in this crap town he loves. I feel like it will never end.
However, THIS is the weird and unexpected loss I did experience - my aunt... my mother's sister, who lives 5 minutes from my mother... She's healthy and active...drives... in fact, she's a lot younger than my mother. I had always enjoyed a close and solid relationship with her, until I had been caring for my mother for about a year. I may never understand what happened in her mind that caused her to act and treat me very differently all of a sudden! I'll share my speculation with you, because it may shed some light on your own dilemma...
I decided, going into the role of full-time caregiver, that I didn't want to "use up" any, one person's favors. I would only ask for help when I ABSOLUTELY couldn't do something (for example, I had to leave town on a few occasions, and I needed my aunt and the other friend to step up in my absence). But my desire to be considerate of not exploiting her, actually, backfired on me! In her case, I believe, she interpreted this as me shutting her out, or WORSE, isolating my mother from the world (which, couldn't be further from reality, because my mom insisted on remaining social as much as possible). Now that my mother is gone, my aunt has only been moderately warmer towards me. She helps me with aftercare issues, but only when I ask her for help. I feel like she's punishing me for being as responsible as I was... cooking, cleaning, laundry, hygiene, meds, driving to doctors' appointments, household maintenance, etc.
Anyway, as I share my experience here, it is interesting to note that the person I became closer to was the one who offered to help (and did so), yet, the person I fell out with is the one whom I didn't want to bother unless I absolutely had to. It's as if my aunt was offended. But that wasn't my intention, at all. I was just focused on doing the right thing for my mother. If others were offended by my actions, I guess that will have to be their problem, because I've got enough of my own.
I don't blame them. I never said "no" to an invite, but just the fact I was tired and stressed out for about 5 years made all the but the hardiest friends just not want to be around me. My therapist has "required" of my to make a new set of friends, but this is a daunting task, in my 60's. My sibs are all fractured over mom's care and so we don't even talk any more. My sister (who had been my best friend) doesn't return phone calls b/c she will not talk about mother and she is too busy. I'm extremely lonely, and trying to fill up the time.
Hubby is a "lone wolf" type guy and doesn't like to socialize. We have no couples friends, and that makes it lonelier still.
What's sad for me is that my family has mostly abandoned me as well, no phone calls, visits or invitations unless they need me to babysit. It's like my mom was the glue that kept us together. They very rarely visit her either.
I still visit my mom every day and neither of my siblings do, one lives five minutes away and the other moved two hours away so she wouldn't have to deal with her. I am the only one of us that works full time and do everything for my mom.
it's a sad situation for all of us here going through this but I know in my heart that when she passes, I will have done everything for her that I could have and that's the only thing that gets me through the days and nights alone without the help of people who used to be there for me.
Is it possible that you are no longer reaching out to your friends? It isn't always possible to know when is convenient. If I am having to change Ray or feed him or shower him, a phone call sometimes has to be ignored. It can get to the point where people stop trying - not because they don't care, but because they don't know when is a good time.
Instead of having a "pity-party" - I have learned to reach out to them for some idle chit-chat while Ray is sleeping. They all know my circumstances and that I sometimes must run at a moment's notice. Like if Ray falls down - I must go immediately to help him get back up. They know not to be offended if I say, I have to go and then abruptly hang up the phone.
Most just ask me to call them back to let them know if all is ok or if I need help.
Every coin has 2 sides.
Sometimes those who have already been in the trenches are damaged by the ordeal to such an extent that they totally withdraw, especially from those who are still in the midst of it. There have been so many on this site who have expressed a feeling of total disconnection, who just wander through their life in a daze hoping to find a new normal once their caregiving days are over. It has got to be even harder for you to keep the connection when you are physically so far removed and there is no chance of a face to face meeting.
I can only recommend to you that you open new avenues for your interests. Happiness can only come inside ourselves.
I have always maintained my own plans, dreams. I continued to pursue them. Sometimes it was just doing more reading on the topic at night after everyone was in bed. But, each day I continued to move forward.
Build new friendships....pursue your dreams....look into yourself for your happiness.
With the friends I've also found you can only say "no" so many times to invites. No matter how understanding they are, it gets old fast.
My mother enjoys being difficult, (also in my 9th year of ft) even with all the brushes she's had with death especially this past year. It didn't make me a happy person so I assumed some invites stopped because my personality had become negative in social situations. I didn't mind the time to to some self-observations... take stock.
As learned harshly with family, some of those friends as cetude said are afraid they may be asked to help out.
Its hard not to feel ripped off. I also don't recall any other family elders requiring such care, and for years... decades on end. Did I b*tch about that too much with them?
Harpcat raises some very good points. Everyone here did. Every time I see freqflyer has posted, I know it will be gold. For this time, this forum and others like these, help to fulfill what caring (& informed!) friends may say.
Thanks again for raising this discussion.