About 6 years ago, when I was 25, my father was trying to get on SSDI due to being unable to work because of his diabetes. At that time, he was having problems with his vision, but having multiple surgeries that were helping gradually. When I offered to let him stay with me, it was supposed to be temporary while he got back to getting around. Over that time period until now, I have seen him getting worse and worse. He used to grunt a little when putting on shoes, now he yells and cusses and has to use a pair of pliers to get them on.
Over these 6 years, he as gone from about 275 to over 400 lbs. He claims he isn't much over 300, but he can't even use his old scale, claims it doesn't work, yet I weigh the same on it as at the doctors. I have tried to make him eat better, however he will just call a delivery in if I don't have what he wants.
Over this time period, my epilepsy came back too, and now I am on SSDI, but am not yet eligible for medicare so i have to come up with large amounts to cover medications at times when patient assistance does not come.
My father is to the point he only leaves his computer chair to take a shower, go to the bathroom, go to the kitchen to grab food to take back to his computer and to go to bed. He also has sleep apnea and now he has come to the point that his CPAP is running 14 to 16 hours a day.
He came back from one of his appointments the other day and told me that I would have to help care for a wound on his foot. When I finally saw it, I researched it and found out it is a neuropathic ulcer, and as I have been dressing it, I have also noticed others forming, I told him about it and he ignored me, when it got 3 times bigger, he asked me about it, and then started picking at it. I told him not to mess with it. I immediately went and got some of my nitrile gloves as I keep them for cleaning, and my bottle of antiseptic soap, Hibiclens, that I used after my brain surgery last month and cleaned it. I tried to get him to put socks and shoes on also as I found out he should not be barefoot, plus his room has not been thouroughly cleaned since we moved in as he will not clean up after himself at all anymore, even when his dog has an accident in his room.
Now we started getting cockroaches and then a couple weeks after my brain surgery he clogged the kitchen sink again, I was unable to try to fix it for a week as i was still in severe pain, when I was able to get to it, it had water in it which caused mold which made me ill. I had to buy 2 drain snakes to clean it and have been doing nothing but cleaning house for the month since, all day long each day as I realized how messy he makes the house.
I had been in a bad depression which made things worse, but as I came out of it through my therapy and my medication, I started getting things back into shape. I have realized however how expensive cleaning and caring for him is getting, I had to spend almost 700 dollars in cleaning supplies this month, which is about all I get for disability, but realizing where he is at now I have to put a stop to it as best as I can. I have a bad feeling that he is not telling me things the doctor says, as he has had to have the surgery for Dialysis, and goes to the wound clinic 3 times a week, plus recently had to get a special shoe for his foot. I have a feeling that what is going to happen is that he will lose it soon as he also has a spot on his toe where the callus broke open and sometimes bleeds.
I have 3 siblings, all of which are married with a family, I was the one that ended up doing this, not that I was ever unwilling, but get no support at all and they have high income jobs. My doctors and my therapist are now telling me that I need to get out and have a life and it is someone elses turn to step up. I no longer know what to do, as I cannot make any decisions on him without the actual information from his dr appointments and how he is supposed to be treating himself. He refuses to give me access to any information and yet I have to do all of the decision making on the entire household.
Does anyone know of how to approach this kind of issue and what to do? I know there is a way to have him as medically invalid, however I know how he would feel towards me about it.
Even if you do not have access to your father's actual medical records, you are still able to get out and get a life. You know he's Diabetic, right? You know he's obese. Treating one helps the other. Does he also have kidney failure, related to Diabetes? What surgery are you talking about? Fistula? Dialysis clinics provide nutritional support - maybe he'll listen to them.
Needless to say, I also started giving up on keeping the house up as I couldn't stand trying to do everything. The most recent issue of the drain problem just put me into a place that I decided I was fed up with living like that.
It was alot of money, but alot of it included the repairs in the house, such as I also decided to recaulk the bathroom and kitchen, plus since the dogs had not been taken out while I was gone for my surgery, I have had to shampoo every single carpet which has cost alot. It has also taken alot to kill of the smell in the house until I finally found out that the furnace air return was in his room covered in dust and an old dirty blanket. Replaced the filter and took the Kirby to the return vent and that made a huge difference. Plus, Kirby brand belts, bags and shampoo are pretty pricey but made a huge difference compared to the old vacuum.
As far as cleaners, I use alcohol and water on some things, vinegar on alot of things such as on the carpets, had to get ammonia to clean the refrigerator as it was bad, plus alot of Mean Green from the nearby parts store, that stuff cleans anything. I also spent money on totes and space bags to get rid of the boxes. So it has been a total redoing of the house. I won't have to buy much more in cleaners except having to make sure to keep gloves on hand.
As far as the surgery it was when they did something in the arm, not certain, but now his kidneys have shown improvement from then, the one good thing, so they say he does not need it yet. Maybe I am over reacting on it, but I am worried especially since the rest of the family lives miles away, and neither my father nor I can drive.
Ruth
I think it's time for the 2 of you to take a break from each other. If your sibs don't want to help with his care, they can at least pitch in or put him in a NH -- or since he isn't completely helpless.
Either he's in denial about his conditions or uses them to emotionally blackmail you into letting him stay where he can continue to self-destruct. (Slow suicide is more like it.)
Whatever the case may be, find a way to put your foot down and take back your house. Tell him the gravy train has come to its last stop, and that he has to take responsibility for his own life. He's going down in flames quickly, and expecting you to keep him company.
I was amazed today, when I was doing the dishes he happened to start griping about them being in the way of the microwave, all I said to that was, "Well, I could stop then" and just walked outside for a moment, as I needed a breather anyway. I came back in and he was putting dishes away. Shocked me, haven't seen that in awhile.
I do appreciate what you are saying though, I think it is actually a combination of denial and emotional blackmail. When I started to stand my ground again, things started making a change in some ways.