My father passed away 7 years ago. My grandma's only son.I am the only grandchild. This past August i have come to rekindle my relationship with my grprts. I had a divorce from my spouse and was rejected from a potential job offer.
I had to take control of my life. It was spinning out of control.
Now I have a great relationship, career, and place to live. Live in Queens, NY.I dont live too far my grandparents house so i walk to visit every other weekend. I will call on a weekday after i get off from work to speak to them esp grandma. My grandma has dementia/ alzhemiers and parkinsons. At times my grandma will shout....sometimes whisper...other times she wont talk. She knows me as" Tee", baby and sweetie. My grandpa and the home health aide care for my grandmother on a daily basis. In the afternoon, she is more awake, so thats when i visit. She has a happy glow on face when she sees me. But her moods change from time to time. I feel alone at times because i have no one else. I dont want to feel I am not doing good enough. And i feel i dont want to be judged by my grandpa( step grandfather) and his family. I know i haven't been around. But i am making an effort. You see i have no one. My ma and stepdad live in NC. My Bro has a family. His arms is full as it is and he lives far Upstate, Mount Vernon.he is having his struggles. So who do i turn too? How do i contribute with out being judged and without losing out on life?
Thank you.
Concerned granddaughter
You are doing a lot considering your are a grandchild by visiting and by calling. Don't try to think that you have to carry the load of *caring* for your grandparents all on your shoulders. There are other family members who can help out, even from out-of-state. Don't stress yourself out worrying that you aren't doing enough. The fact that there is a Home Health Aid at their house speaks volumes that your grandparents are doing the right thing.
Sometimes people who have a really big prone ( an elderly wife with dementia, failing health) will avoid thinking about or dealing with the BIG problem by focusing on a nonessential one, like getting the right bed. Ultimately, it's not your fault that he and grandma are getting old. You are doing what you can to help them. Don't worry so much about what others say.
I can understand how your Grandpa feels there are enough people in his home. With an Aide there for your Grandma, and a nurse who comes by every third day, that's a busy household. It's nice that Grandpa still tries to help care for his wife :)
As for Grandpa needing an Aide some time in the future, don't bring it up to him again, let him tell you he thinks it is time he needs help for himself. He wants to stay as independent for as long as he can, so let him.
Some people age gracefully, others fight it until the very end.
Is someone else turning the guilt screws on you? Are you comparing yourself unfavourably with other people who seem to do more? You really needn't, you know. You're there, and you care. That's plenty.
Don't feel guilty for cutting back on your time with grandma either. She has her husband and aide there and is happy, and she probably does not remember the last time you came, just that you came.
NC is a great growing area - look at Cary (near Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill) and Charlotte. There are an abundance of jobs and cheap housing, and lots of new people in the area. You would be closer to your own mom (perhaps without being right under her!) and in a new area where it is SO MUCH EASIER to get established than NYC. It's ok for you to leave where grandma is - she is doing fine. She would want you to go out and have a great life FOR her, not limited BY her. I"m sure the aide would read her your cards and notes over and over!!