Hi,
I cannot get my husband to understand he can not drive anymore. He left yesterday and got lost, he did finally make his way home. I have talked to police, doctor and have basically gotten no where! Of course it is all my fault! Any suggestions please! I am desperate.
Thanks, Dot
Trying to reason with dementia is impossible. People think they’re just fine, how dare you tell me I can’t drive.
Police, doctors and the DMV may or may not help. In my case with my dad I got nothing from any of these folks. Most of us will be on our own when it comes to ending the driving.
Id had a tracking device on dads car for a couple years. He still handled the car fine, no wrecks, scratches or dents but had no short term memory and began to wander and get lost. After mom was admitted to the hospital he was driving all over the place but couldn’t find the hospital.
I lived out of state, called some of the grandkids to go over and park behind his car and keep him occupied until I could get there.
Upon arriving I popped the hood and pulled the starter relay out of the fuse box. Very easy to do. Much simpler than removing the battery or pulling wires loose. Dad would try to start it and didn’t even get a click. I told him I’d called the dealer and they were coming to tow it. That night I drove it to a neighbors house and parked it out of sight.
I was there with dad for three days, moved mom from the hospital to assisted living while I tried to keep him out of trouble. He couldn’t remember anything about moms fall or where his car was. I had to repeat the stories about every 5 minutes. Told him the car dealer was waiting on a new computer for his car. He would accept this but forget 5 minutes later.
I eventually got dad into care with mom and sold the car.
Some people find it better to leave the car for awhile so the elder can see it. It was better for me to get rid of the car. Dad would go out to the garage and try to hook an old battery charger to the car. I was afraid he’d burn us down.
Looking back I wish I had ended dads driving sooner. We were just lucky nothing terrible happened. But like many folks I was accommodating his dementia. Afraid to make him mad, rather than face the facts.
With my mom, I tried a different strategy: SUPPORT. First, we just did our weekly grocery shopping together. Then, I'd drive her to the salon on rainy days. Eventually, she knew she would not be stranded without a way to get somewhere and she said, "I don't need to drive any more. You drive everywhere and it's nice!"
It is critical that a car is not taken away without a demonstrated way the person is not stranded or isolated. Key being "demonstrated."
Also, before mom stopped driving, I had a tracking app on her phone (like parents have for teens) to notify me when she left the house and where she was. It also gave me driving reports: how fast she was driving, any sudden stops, or if there is an accident. That app was a great peace of mind for me.
Long story short . Her doctors told her she shouldn’t drive. They would not tell her she can not drive any longer.
DMV tested her. She failed the eye test Miserably. But in the end they gave her the license!! When I went into the DMV the next day to complain, the owner/manager told me “we are not here to fail anyone”!!!!!
Took her to driving evaluation test. He gave her step by step instructions. Instead of telling her, example, turn right on Edward Street, he told her where to turn and when. He passed her also!
I spoke to the PoliceDepartment.
They all told me until she had a serious accident, there was nothing they could do.
I had been in the car with her. She scared me to death. Couldn’t stay in her lane.
She ran Stop signs, red lights. Couldn’t remember how to get where she was going.
Mind you, she was 89 at the time and had been diagnosed with dementia.
We argued over this for years. And by the way, I moved in with her after my dad passed away. So she got to go everywhere she wanted to go.
I couldn’t disable her car as she still had the sense to call someone to come and fix it.
My last resort was take the keys. I just couldn’t live with myself if she would have killed a child, pregnant mother, mother or father of little ones at home. The guilt would have been too much.
It has been a tumultuous 6 years. Explaining, arguing, her crying, her telling others that I have ruined her life as she is now in prison in her own home.
But she is still alive and not responsible for taking anyone’s lives.
If your gut is telling you it’s time for him to stop driving, for his well being, and others, do what you have to do. It is hard. I wish you luck and peace with your decision .
I got him to agree to sell his car to an acquaintance shortly thereafter. Fortunately, the two times AFTER surrendering his license that he tried to hop into MY car & drive, he was unable to figure out a push-button start. Although he can still read to this day (six years later), the meaning of the words escaped him even then, so despite the screen saying to press on the brake pedal then push the button, he couldn’t figure it out. Found him sitting in the driver’s seat when I got home from being out with a friend who had driven me, saying he was “going to come looking for me”, all distressed because he’d forgotten I’d said I was going out.
It worked with my Grandmother with dementia
Hugs 🤗
It is easy to say, "take the keys or disable the car". It is not so easy to implement. My husband is mild mannered, but I believe he would have physically attacked me if I had done anything like that.
I suggest you enlist his doctor's help. Hubby's doctor explained that if he hurt someone in an accident and they subpoenaed his medical records, they would see he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and they would take everything we had. ***So, it wasn't his ability to drive, but those lawyers taking advantage.***
You need to get rid of his car too. I was able to keep my car because he had never driven it. My girlfriend, whose husband was farther along than mine, sold their car, bought another one that looked nothing like the old one and had her key ring changed to something totally different. That solved her problem because he didn't recognize it as "their car".
They can send somebody out to your home to give him a "driving test" on the spot to show that he is not a safe driver. (I know people who have had this done.)
My father, however, drove longer than he should have. I asked and asked and asked that he give up driving, but no he was more than capable. Mom said as long as she felt safe with his driving shed continue to ride with him. Sheesh! Finally I talked him into donating his car to charity, but I dithered too long and he drove again after he promised he wouldn't - "Well the car was still there and there is nothing wrong with my driving." From this I knew I needed to get a move on. Got dad's car donated, but he was not at all happy and complained and complained and complained. I took him to the Dr and he complained at which point she said "We've talked about your driving."
If you have children, I'd get them involved, better he be mad at his children rather than you. But no matter what he needs to stop driving - and no matter what, he's going to be mad about it. While I feared my father would have an accident and kill someone, I was also worried about him getting lost - really lost - where on the television the elder left in their car to go to the grocery store and ended up 400 miles away.
From the statement "Of course it is all my fault." no matter what you do there will be no gratitude from you spouse. But you will still have your spouse. Good luck.
Notify your auto insurance. In fact, you may want to call his insurance company *now*. I bet they will give you very good advice because they don't want to pay out on claims.
I hope this helps you.
Other than that, you'd have to wait until he can no longer get his Driver's License renewed.
I had a small safe where I kept the keys to the car or I had, and still do, them on a carabiner and clipped to my belt loop and I wear them all the time. AND I always kept the car locked.
The facilitator to my Support Group had a mechanic put a switch under the dash so that her husband could not start the car even if he got the keys.
I also told my Husband that the medication that he was taking said not to drive while taking it.
You’re right that many people take the chance of driving without a license or insurance.
I would be too nervous to drive without a license but people of all ages do it all the time.
My neighbor’s son took the car in the middle of the night to go for a joy ride with his friends.
He’s 18. They stayed out all night. The dad went to get in his car for work and no car in the driveway. That kid was punished for months!
Revoking someone's license won't necessarily stop them driving, there are plenty of unlicensed and uninsured drivers on the road.
Hiding the keys can cause problems if the person with dementia may become violently angry, and that is unpredictable.
Many (most?) cars today have a transponder key with a chip inside and the car won't start without these special keys. If you cut a plain key it will open doors and in my car at least turn over the engine but the car won't start (I learned this when I had a plain key cut to hide as a spare - lol). Ask your dealer/mechanic if this will work for you.
Personally I detest the push-button start, but even scarier, I saw an ad for a car that starts when you sit down in the driver's seat!
I did have the problem of my oldest brother (now deceased) wanting to buy a new motorcycle after totaling his. He nearly died in that accident and still dreamed of owning another bike!
The will to drive for some people is really strong. My brother wasn’t safe to drive with in a car or as a passenger on his bike. I never rode with him anywhere. I certainly wouldn’t ever have gotten on the back of his bike!
I stopped riding my uncle when he accidentally was driving up the exit ramp on the interstate! Thank goodness there were no cars behind us and I talked him into driving backwards for us to get back on the road and drive in the correct direction.
I wouldn’t hesitate to do anything and everything to get a person who isn’t capable of driving to stop. It is a matter of safety for them and other people on the road.
I have always admired the group started by moms (MADD) against drunk drivers.
We all have a responsibility to be safe drivers and to ensure that others are safe drivers.
Doctors and the DMV should do their part to ensure safety as well.
Good luck with getting your dad to stop driving.
Finally the state denied my FIL (92 then) a renewal because he couldn't pass the eye test AND had had a couple of fender benders. He STILL drove around town in spite of having a neighbor who offered (and we sneak her money) to take him anywhere he wants/needs to go. We "thought" he had given up as for months he only drove from the carport to the church parking lot beside his house so that he could sit in the sun during the winter months. He did not need to get on any road for that and the parking lot is empty except for Sunday morning. No one wanted to deny him that. He hadn't been legally judged incompetent and no one wanted to steal or vandalize his vehicle.
BUT THEN!!!!! his second COVID vax was due. He had GONE by himself 20 miles down a state highway to get it himself. And he did it too. So now the fuse to the fuel pump or something like that is in his neighbor's pocket.
There has to be an excuse to put his vehicle in the shop, ie: in a relative's garage indefinitely. We got so lucky.
My Mom was a piece of cake in comparison. All I had to do was point out a little dog she couldn't see (hmmm, was it really there?) and tell her she could have hit it and what if it had been a child? Then of course I promised she would have a ride anywhere she needed to go and most of the places she wanted to go.